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How to deal with people who gossip about their friends?
So i have this friend who gossips about her friends way too much I don't know if she does it as a topic of conversation because she just doesn't know how to start a convo with someone (that's how I was in elementary school cause I didn't know how to make friends but I'm not this way anymore) or that's how she genuinely is cause every time I talk to her it's like she's gossiping about a best friend. Then the next day you'll see her hanging out with the same person she just talked bad about. Usually the people she talks bad about are my friends too and even though I wanna tell them what she says I can't because I don't like spreading rumours and wouldn't wanna break friendships anyways. What do I do about this friend? How can I get her to stop talking bad about her friends?
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Hi! It's ridiculous how rumors can spread like wildfires. The best thing to do is to tell your friends. You're not breaking a friendship, because a true friend doesn't talk behind their friends back, it was never a friendship. If she wants to talk bad about them then she should do it to their faces unless she's too scared to do so. Also your job as a bystander/witness is to say stop, and don't add fuel to the fire.
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You need to stand up for your friends because what she's doing isn't good that's called being fake if someone was talking about you your friends would let you know or when she starts talking about your friends say hey that's my friend you talking about so could you like stopbut let her know you don't like what she's doing but keeping quiet is telling her its okay to talk about other people behind their backs
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Ok, let me just start by saying people are always going to talk... some just more so than others. It can be hard to give you an exact reason why your friend likes gossiping about other people, but it could never hurt to have a conversation with her about it. And as far as her talking bad about somebody one day and being friends with them the next, it's not fair to those people...you know these bad things she says about them and they don't. It's not spreading rumors if what you are saying is true and you just pull the person aside and have a private conversation with them about how this so called "friend" is talking about them. And you won't really be breaking any friendships, because if this girl was any kind of friend to these people she WOULDN'T be talking about them behind their back. Finally, just a little bit of personal experience... You're hearing the things she says about other people when they're not around, now imagine what she could be saying about you when YOU'RE not around. Maybe she's not too great of a friend... Just make it known that you don't like her talking about your friends that way, and if she doesn't accept that, then maybe it's time to move on... Best of luck. :)
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As you've already noticed, she has a bad habit and likely also idea how to make good conversation..
As with any other bad habit, habits are not selective, choosing only certain times or certain people so it is also certain that when not around you, she is also saying the same bad stuff about you behind your back. And you would be one to know if there was any truth in what she is saying. So the same goes with others, they likely know the same thing you do, that one can not trust anything that comes out of her mouth and to just ignore what she says about others.
The sad fact is, that we can't change a persons behavior at all unless they choose to want to change. And often it is extremely difficult to get a person to admit that they are lacking in some way and need improvement in their character. All you can do is be a good example to her. For all you know, she may come from a home where both parents are really messed up and belittle or call their children names all the time, verbal abuse, so she doesnt know any better. The best you can do is be a good example.
So the next time she opens her mouth and starts to talk bad about someone, stop her and say, "Tina, look...I like you very much as a person, I just don't like this one thing you do, which you may not even be aware that you do. All I want to do right now is point out what it is and ask that you never do it around me. What I am talking about is that the only conversation you have with me revolves around you saying bad things about others behind their backs. Maybe you are like I used to be in elementary school, not knowing what to say in conversation and so this is your way to have a conversation with people. It's probably just a bad habit. I am willing to help you try to get over it and learn how to talk about other things. I would be willing to use a secret hand signal or word to clue you in when I hear you doing it so you can stop yourself. But you need to know, I am serious bothered about this, just finally had the guts to let you know."
You can of course put it in your own words. But make sure you mention it like I did, without accusing her of doing it intentionally, even if she really is, because that gets a persons internal defenses up and they are not going to listen to the rest of what you say. That is why saying "you may not be aware..." or "I know you dont do this intentionally..." or "I know you're not trying to be mean on purpose..." all work very well. Also, it helps to let the person know that they aren't the only one who does or has done this. Often, I haven't done some of the really nasty stuff some humans do to but I find the closest example I can from my life and share my story to show I have struggled with the same or experienced it, and how I got past it.
It helps to be able to tell a person once that you once were there and reassure them that you don't hate or condemn her. This is how God treats us, so why not try treat others the same, with some understanding, no condemnation but challenging to improve and volunteering to help be their support as they embrace the change.
I have been both at the dishing it out end of bad talk about others as well as having been attacked by others behind my back and then to my face. I think you are an angel on earth for caring this deeply about a matter most teens wouldn't take the time to be concerned about. One last thing, make sure theres always a smile on your face, your tone of voice is soft not harsh and your body language open, meaning don't cross your arms which makes it seem you want nothing to do with her. Go spread some love little angel.
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