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I feel extremely jealous of my bestfriend
I have a bestfriend and I feel he's slowly drifting away. We graduated and he told me we would be bestfriends forever, and he still checked up on me, and he still meets me regularly, but once i see him enjoying with his other friends, he feels so distant... I want our relationship to be kept... how
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My first thought was the same as solidadvices last thought, that you might be female and possibly in love with him and not know it.
When two people of opposite sex are best of friends, it is possible for one or both to develop romantic feelings for each other over time. How can someone not know they are in love in this case? Because the feelings sneak up on you totally, not a big flash bang explosion of desire as some feel when they meet someone the first time. Both are valid ways to be romantically attracted and fall in love. In your case, its easier when the other is someone who's your best friend, an important component of healthy long term relationships and marriages.
First, I don't want you to feel you're bad for feeling jealousy. Let me explain what jealousy actually is with an analogy and you'll see. Jealousy is like an indicator light on the dashboard of your car, alerting you that something needs tending or needs to be fixed in order for it to remain running and in good condition. In humans, jealousy is the indicator on the dashboard of Your life, not his, he's not feeling jealous. So you need to really that jealous feelings in you mean that there is something wrong inside you that needs to be discovered so it can be taken care of.
What this analogy does is tell you that for certain, it is not his new friends, and a change from how often he saw you before that is the problem.
It could be as simple as unreal expectations if not being in love. Your mind does the same thing everyones mind does so easily. We all have issues with negative distorted thoughts that creep into our minds more often than positive ones. Heres an easy one. A daughter of mine threw up after a dinner that included peas. Her thoughts were, I got sick to my stomach after eating peas so I need to avoid peas the rest of my life. She totally dismissed the fact that she had gotten the flu and any food would have come up. To this day, she avoids eating peas. That is not such a big deal but other distorted thoughts can make us really miserable in life and hold us back from living life to the fullest. Its a long list which I wont go into. But I will say that some people are good at snapping out of it after a short time dwelling on negative thoughts and realization they are nothing but distortions that sucked our emotions in to involvement which is what makes these thoughts or fears or jealousys feel so real and valid when in reality, its only a situation made up in our minds with no real life validity.
If you are not in love, or lets say you are a male missing his company...then you interpreted his words, “ We will be best friends forever" to mean something in your mind, had a picture of it and expectations of it, which in reality are far from what real life is for graduating seniors. It doesnt mean he lied. You simply thought something entirely different. H.S. Friends rarely are ever seen again on a daily basis as when one was in H.S. Some go far away to college, some get full time jobs that keep them busy, or even jobs out of state, some are doing local college and a job and their time and schedules don't allow for seeing a best friend or even calling them daily to chat as before. I am sure you do understand this too. But the trouble is, some of us have a hard time making the adjustment, the switch to life being different now that one is out of H.S. Life goes on but it only goes on if there are changes. Your friends finish college, get a job, marry and have kids and become g randparents and later die. It is the circle of life. Nothing can stay the same. Those who vainly try to keep things the same as always without change, will find themselves miserable. If you can't correct your thinking and adjust, you may need a little extra help called Cognitive behavior therapy, CBT. Cognitions is a fancy word for thoughts. You can find a psychologist trained in CBT and find help. It is not a long term year after year process but works much faster as it is you learning how to control your thoughts from an expert in the field.
If you are in love, you may want to say something to him to see if he feels the same. However do not come out and say 'I am in love with you” because this puts the other person awkwardly on the spot if they dont feel the same and causes other issues. It is better to state it as if it is something just starting to develop which means a friend doesnt feels as awkward saying they dont feel the same if thats the case. I don't know why this is so, I just share what the relationship experts have said.
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There is NOTHING wrong with your friendship except for your creating an issue in your mind that there is. You can bet he's not worrying about you. Would he meet with you regularly if there were? What more do you want from him or anyone?
When you start at a new school, job or enter post-secondary education it's a whole new world. He's meeting new people and is free to hang out with them alone or with you. It changes nothing and the novelty of always being with new people wears off.
The thing is he probably hasn't told or shown you that your behavior is pissing him off. I hate to be blunt but it is. He can sense or see the jealousy hence seeming distant. He also may have a lot of stuff he deals with privately that could also make him seem distant.
I would calm down, stop worrying and just enjoy the time he spends with you and focus on being in the moment with him. Let all the other pieces fall where they may and if you wind up best-friends forever great. But you won't if you operate from jealousy.
My suspicion is you are female and I may be wrong but your real issue may be that you have romantic feelings for him and they aren't known to him. That's where jealousy may come from. If you have been friends for a very long time get this stuff out. Find out where you stand and clear air about misunderstanding. You'll continue driving yourself nuts if you don't.
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