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Am I making a good/right decision?
Hi,
I live in Canada and I am 18 years old. Throughout my life, I have come across many ups and downs. Things such as losing friends, not being able to find work, and etc., haven't bothered me as much as what I am about to tell you. I have grown up in a religious family of 6. My parents, my siblings and me. I always used to get beat up over the littlest things, and I used to cry, as every child would when their mother would beat them up, and I get that. I understand that in certain cultures/societies children get hurt over something little and their parents hurt them so the child doesn't make the same mistake over again. When I was in grade 7, my beliefs in religion changed and I stopped praying and practising my religion's ways. No one knew about this, not even my own family members but I used to act like I was praying when I was forced to so they wouldn't think anything skeptical. Ever since grade 7 , and even before that, I am always getting hurt, physically abused, by my mother. There's been hitting my head against a wall, swearing at me, calling me names, threatining me (for ex. "Dont tell your dad I did this to you or else"), leaving red and purple marks/bruises on my body (which are long gone now), and etc. When I was in grade 12, I was 17 years old. I went through even more pain and suffering at home and because of that I ended up skipping my classes and I almost came close to failing my courses and not being able to graduate. My mom went back home during that time for about 1 1/2 months, and I had some freedom from the pain. While she was gone, I was still living in the darkness, not going to classes and I was able to get into touch with a social worker at my school. She helped me a bit but couldn't do anything for me, like take me out of the home, because I was not 18 and she needed parental consent, which I did not want. My mother came back from her trip and she found out about my not wanting to wear the religious headwrap. I always used to tell her that I do not want to wear it and she never knew why because of my beliefs and yet I used to get physically hurt so much. In September 2014, I started college and I dropped out during the second week because everyday she would make me wear the religious headwrap to school (which I never did, I would sneakily take it off and on). Also, I never had a proper study table, no laptop , and no books. My older sister, however, had everything given to her. I used to get beat up over that and then I dropped out and for the past year now, I have been going through so much pain. In December of 2014, I met someone. Someone who loves and cares for me more than anything in this world. Someone who would do anything for me, and I kept that person a secret from my family all my life. One day, in April 2014, I decided to write a letter to someone who I knew would help me on this religion issue. I wrote about how I did not believe in the religion, I wrote about what I was going through because of it, such as the physical abuse and so forth. I came home one day to see that my mom had already opened the reply, which I got about 3 months later. She got mad as to why I talked about her abusing me physically in the letter and so forth, and out of anger I said that If I couldnt talk to you or dad about it, then who could I turn to? She hasn't beat me up since that, but she did yesterday. Today, I still hear about her yelling at me because of the letter and so forth. Today, I am in college, however I cant continue anymore. I am 18 now, and I can make my own decisions. I have somewhere to go, somewhere where people love and care for me, somewhere where I will have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am planning to book a flight soon and wanting, well needing to leave soon. I would have to drop my college courses and pay back student loans but I need to be out of this home as soon as possible. I wish there was somewhere near for me to go, like rent an apartment or so but I cant afford to as I am not working and I do not have a stable income. The person I mentioned earlier who loves me endlessly and so forth, is my partner. His mother and him want me to be safe and are willing to take me into their home for as long as I need so I dont have to go through any of the pain and suffering here anymore. I want to know, is the decision that I am taking, to leave a not and just leave from here for once and for all, a good decision? As I am the age of majority, they cant force me to come back. I need some light to shed on me. Thank you.
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I back up adviceman wholeheartedly. I feel though that I must address the issue of her demanding you never tell Dad what she's doing and your not reporting it ever to authorities.
If your mother had been reported to the authorities for abusing her children, then she could have gotten the help she needed because what she is doing is Not Normal parenting. It is far more likely she came from an abusive background herself and this is typical for abused children. AS few become adults and vow to do the total opposite of what their bad parents did, but most go on to abuse children of their own some day and the abuse cycle continues.
I know that most kids will not tell on a parent because they love their parent, despite the abuse and I understand that. But not saying something that could get help for Mom, allowing her to continue doing this isnt going to help her or any other siblings. You say one is getting favored. Whether hit or not, even a favored child lives in fear that one day Mom will snap and decide to start using them as a punching bag too. The abuse they witness goes into their memories and messes up the process of normal emotional growth from child to adult. My husband was verbally abuse towards me, a few times the kids, mostly me. The kids grew up watching him treat me so. I eventually left once they became adults of 18 and older. I should have left sooner. I can now witness the emotional damage in my adult daughters as they struggle to find good men they can trust. Two have chosen guys as bad as their own dad. The 3rd is gun-shy and unable to commit to a guy fully due to underlying fears of things going wrong and has a need to be in control and find a weak man who will be her lap dog instead of an equal partner. I feel horrible now that I didn't do something earlier. If you want to see any of your siblings grow up with emotional relationship problems, or become child abusers themselves, then all you have to do is say nothing. Even if you are 18 and would be wise to leave home to go live with this family, something still needs to happen to help mom and protect the rest of the kids in your family home. This is a serious matter. Mom isn't even following religion correctly. I know most all religions teach to love others and not do to others things you wouldnt care to have done to you. The golden rule its called and of the many religions i have studied some, Each has their own version of the same rule, just reworded differently, even in paganism, "If it harm none, do as you will." yES the bruises that harm the flesh fade but the greater harm is what that abuse does to the mind. You may even find that you could be in need of counseling too as a victim of abuse. In time, the issues will come up, they cant stay hidden in your subconscious forever without showing up as anxieties, physical health problems, problems sleeping, concentrating, trusting others, etc... If you truly love Mom and your siblings, you will speak up immediately, show your bruising to police and they will make sure MOM is taken in and mental health officials will likely check her out and get her help. Your Dad needs to know. He loves his children and surely would not choose to have his wife, beat and abuse his own children...and thats way she told you not to tell. She may be his wife and he loves her and wants the best for her, but never saying a thing is not helping her and the abuse has gone on long enough and needs to come to a stop. You are the oldest so it falls on you to do something now or forever live with the guilt as you watch your siblings live messed up lives because of it, or discover how it has messed up your own 'future' life.
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There are several things that need to be addressed in your question.
I will start with you. Yes you do need to get out of the house and your mother cannot stop you as you are now an adult in the eyes of the law. If your boyfriend and his mother are willing to offer you someplace safe to go to then I would suggest you do so immediately.
As an adult you mother no longer has the right to punish you or correct you for any wrongs she feels you made. Hitting you , knocking your head against the wall is called Battery or Assault by lawful definition. No one had the right to assault another including an adult child. TO do the same to a minor child is child abuse.
Once you are out of the house the first thing I would suggest you do is call local law enforcement and file a complaint against your mother for Battery while you still have the bruises to prove it. While talking with the police if your mother is disciplining your younger siblings in this manner you should make the police aware of this. As I said this is child abuse and like The USA Canada has strict laws against child abuse.
A parent does not have the right to physically hurt or harm a child as a form of punishment. There are many different ways a parent may discipline a child which includes spankings. Even a spanking can go too far and become child abuse depending on how the parent spanks the child. The only spanking allowed is an open palm applied to a child's fleshy bottom. Use of a hairbrush, slipper, strap or any other instrument of pain is child abuse.
As for moving to the other place you speak of? That is a decision only you can make and one you should reserve to make after you move out of your house and into your boyfriend's home. You boyfriends home is a safe haven where you can think clearly and make a sound decision that is right for you. You can if you which consult on this move with your boyfriend and his mother to get their thoughts.
My advice in short is:
1) Move out of your house to your boyfriends house today if possible or as soon as possible.
2) Call the Police and file charges of assault & Battery against your mom. If she is doing the same to younger children advice the police of her abusing of the minor children
While she may think or feel she can do so because her culture says she can this is not true. Culture and the law are different and the law overrides culture. She can be arrested for Assaulting you and child abuse. I recommend you do so to put a stop to this type of treatment not only by her but by others and to insure your siblings do not follow with their children.
3) Take your time make a decision on whether to move away from where you live. Make sure what you are giving up and what it will cost you will in the end be worthwhile.
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