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Confused about my romantic and sexual orientations?
Hi everyone! I'm new here and have been struggling with my romantic and sexual orientations. My feelings seem to be very contradictory and so I was hoping for some outside perspectives.
I'm 22, female, and for a few years now have identified as biromantic bisexual, though I am not sure how accurate that is. I'm just gonna reel off relevant information to try and give you a thorough picture of my experience with romance/sexuality thus far (it's pretty long but I don't know how else to explain everything fully):
As a child I experienced infatuations with both boys and girls, which generally involved a desire to be with, to touch (non-sexually) and to kiss that person. However, these were often quite fleeting and not always based in any sort of depth/reality, more an idea of that person. The only infatuation which seemed more substantial was, at age ten, with my best female friend. We were close and I found myself wanting to be with her all the time, feeling butterflies at the thought of seeing her, wanting her and I to be a pair - more accurately, a couple, which I didn't realise at the time. My first best friend as a child was a boy whom I didn't feel any romantic attraction towards, but whom I had an incredible bond with, stronger than anything I have experienced since with any of my friends - I am not, and never have been, a touchy-feely person, but would hold hands with him and be very tactile with him. But it was definitely not at all romantic in nature. (I mention this because it could be relevant later on.)
As an early/mid teenager in high school, dating became a big social pressure, and I had lots of crushes on boys. It was also at this time that I became aware and accepted that I was sexually attracted to women, though this was something I compartmentalised and shut off from in my everyday life, I imagine because of the overwhelming heteronormativity and homophobia of high school. Again, almost all of my crushes on boys began with pinning an idea onto them and didn't have that much depth (though they were often not fleeting and could be very intense for months). I had some crushes on girls as well, always friends (whereas with boys they were usually people I knew of or at the most were acquainted with), but because I never realised at the time that that's what they were, I didn't latch on to the idea and focused instead on my male crushes.
Aged 14 - 16 I experienced more substantial and reciprocated feelings for four different guys, and in each of these cases there was sexual desire, a feeling of emotional connection, and the desire to be in a romantic relationship. Throughout these years I fantasised sexually about men and women equally, but still shut off from my sexual attraction to women in my daily life.
However, at 17, after around 6 months of nothing romantic or sexual, I became infatuated with an online female friend, and it was the first time I acknowledged the feelings for what they were. I felt deeply emotionally connected to her, overwhelmingly sexually attracted to her, and definitely wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her, and imagined us being together, kissing, touching etc. It was after a while of this that I began to question my sexuality, as up to this point I had identified as straight (though not exclusively). Nothing ever came of this as she didn't feel the same, but from then on it really was like I had had an epiphany, I began to properly acknowledge my feelings and attraction for women and as soon as I had done so, found that I just felt no desire for men any more. For the most part it wasn't that I hated the idea of being with men, it was just that the idea of being with men paled in comparison to the idea of being with women. At 18 I fell, again, for an online female friend (I was somewhat of a recluse for those two years and didn't socialise much in person) though this time the emphasis was more on the romantic and emotional feelings, and much less on the sexual.
Through the three years of 17 - 19, I felt very little romantic or sexual attraction to men, and was very preoccupied with my feelings and attraction for women, which was without a doubt both romantic and sexual, and very much wanted a girlfriend (which didn't happen). For about a year I even felt repulsed at the idea of being with men sexually.
After this, I unexpectedly grew romantically and sexually attracted to a male friend, who felt the same, and we ended up seeing one another. For the first 7 months of our relationship my sexual interest was strong, but I felt incredibly uncomfortable with many of the romantic aspects: people knowing we were seeing each other, meeting his parents, playing the 'girlfriend' role (I say playing because it felt like acting), holding hands in public, romantic rituals etc. After that 7 months my sexual desire for him began to wane, and then I began to feel very uncomfortable with kissing and anything sexual. I would try to make myself enjoy it and end up in tears, feeling sick and invaded. It is worth noting that a few months after this began I started taking anti-depressants, which lowered my sex drive further, and our relationship became very dysfunctional. I kept feeling throughout the relationship that I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman, sometimes I would feel entirely gay and almost feel closeted by the relationship (even though he knew and was supportive.) He was in love with me but as much as I loved him (and still do), I wasn't in love with him and knew that I never would be.
We broke up a year ago, and I was happy to be single - being single feels to me like my natural state, and I seem always to feel somewhat stifled simply by being in a relationship, no matter how healthy it is. I was also decided on not letting myself get into anything serious with a man again, though I still felt attractions to men and women. However, four months later (this January), I ended up seeing another, newer, male friend, and we are still together now. At the beginning I was sexually attracted to him, and we've always clicked emotionally, but I didn't feel any desire for a romantic relationship. The romantic side came about more because he wanted a romantic relationship, and as I had become attached to him and enjoyed being with him, I agreed to it, though (for me) we also agreed to be polyamorous.
We became very tactile and very emotionally close quickly, but I was still very uncomfortable with the romantic aspects. After a few months, my sexual desire began to wane, and now unfortunately it has reached the point, as in with my previous relationship, where I try to make myself enjoy sexual things and just end up in tears, feeling that something is very wrong. In my past relationship I thought it could've been attributed to the dysfunctional nature of it, but my current relationship is very supportive and healthy. I very rarely enjoy kissing him, or any man, but whenever I've kissed women (always at clubs or parties) it's felt like, 'Oh, so this is how kissing's supposed to feel.' I can tell that he feels very strongly for him romantically, and is maybe falling in love with me, but again, I love him and care for him deeply, but I am not in love with him, and can tell that I won't be. As we become closer I care for him more but don't feel any more romantically for him.
With both of these relationships they have been more like very strong, intense friendships, with more non-sexual touching than would usually be in my friendships, a deep emotional connection, and at the beginning a sexual desire that disappears over time. I feel more romantically for women and more attracted to women, when I think about being in a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman it feels right, I crave it, but it comes more naturally to me to flirt with men (which may be socialised) and I seem to form deep emotional bonds with men easier, even though I am less sexually attracted to them and tend to feel uncomfortable being romantic with them.
I can make my own conclusions from this but I would like some unbiased, outside perspectives as I think it would be very helpful. So, basically, what conclusions would you draw from all this about my romantic and sexual orientations?
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Normally when asked to give advice on one's sexuality and given as much information as you have given; I might be willing to do so. You though seem to be well versed in your sexuality to the point of being slightly confused and at odds with yourself. Just my opinion but you seem to be fighting with your sexuality as if to say I need to be one or the other I can't be both and enjoy being me. As I said just my uneducated observation.
You should ask yourself; Why can't I enjoy being who I am and love as I wish to love? You might need help answering that question and I think you should get help of a professional as this question or the questioning of yourself is far too complicated. We do not possess the education in this arena to truly help you.
I am going to suggest you contact a psychologist, possibly one who practices sex counseling for help in delving into this. I believe with the right kind of help you can look at just who you are sexually and become more comfortable with your sexuality. Once your comfortable you can learn how to grow your sexuality and explain yourself, if need be to a love interest, to others and hopefully a future life partner. We can't do that for you as it requires a one on one conversation.
If you are working and your employer has an EAP program contact the EAP provider for assistance in finding a psychologist. It is all confidential and normally the EAP program pays for the first few sessions.
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Hello dear. While I think a label is not important as peoples sexual and romantic practices vary as greatly as do people and their personalities. I don't believe its something that is always easy to box up nice and neat with a label. But I can imagine you want to be able to understand it and explain it to any you meet in the future in hopes it may help you discover your path and perhaps individuals more like you.
According to Wikipedia, Bisexuality can be either or all of the following: a romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior toward both males and females. So its entirely possible that you are a bisexual who is romantically attracted to other females, not to males and sexually attracted to both. As the variations of sexuality in its basic of forms become known, I think people begin to have general expectations of what they all are, some precise description without variations but life isn't so. You may have a fear of people and what they think, especially in the area of sex but I am willing to bet it extends to other areas of your life, just not as strong a concern with you. I know what a fear of people is, mainly people watching me and wondering about what they might be thinking and how they might react to something I do. It is nerve wracking to always be so concerned...i was like that as a teen and young adult and thought I got over it but discovered through just a simple exercise of doing something in a public crowd that no one else was doing, made me really worried about peoples response and after I pushed thru and repeatedly did this activity, I realized it no longer bothered me what people think because I got all kinds of responses, approval and displeasure, non understanding, etc. But I didnt care anymore, it was about me living my life for me, not for the approval of others.
So I think whether you are even aware of it at a conscious level, that somewhere subconsciously it bothers you. You feel a need to fit what is in todays world becoming more acceptable, the basic explanation for bisexuality without any variations or differences from it cus that would make you stand out again and thats too uncomfortable.
It may also be that you are young enough to not have experienced everything you possibly can in the sexual world yet and you may find your niche sooner or later thru experience. It may be that once you meet a she-male, you find that this type of person is what rocks your boat. Or perhaps it is simply that you haven't found a male yet that you like the intimacy of romance with yet. Just plain old sex, for lust sake, taking care of ones need for sexual release can easily be done without having to have the romance side, or being in love. After a divorce, and before finding 2nd husband, I had some male friends with benefits deals, which helped my sexual needs feel taken care of but I was looking for one with whom I could have both. So perhaps, with males, you are more comfortable with a friends with benefits situation while with a female its for way more.
People are generally made to have a need for two basic things in a relationship, the emotional connection and the sexual one. It may be that you have your own version of what you require emotionally from males that differ from females. But when it comes to sexual needs, both are fine for you.
If you feel unhappy thinking that there may be something wrong with you, it might be reassuring just for the peace of mind to speak with a sex counselor/therapist. they are most likely to have heard of plenty of cases of people who describe themselves exactly as you do yourself. While not well known, they may even have a term for it. There are more variations in sexual and gender id and preferances today than there ever have been in the past. I wish you well and hope you are able to come to terms and a peace with your own uniqueness and not worry as to what others think which I beleive a counselor needs to hear too.
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