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My boyfriend shoved me
I know most people will read the header of this question and immediately have their mind made up. And I used to be one of those people.
I am 21 and he's 22. I've been with this man for 2 years and 10 months. We've had our fights and struggles, sure, but we've always been a pretty strong couple. I trust him more than I trust myself. He's a wonderful person and I never in a million years thought I would be asking myself this question.
It happened when we were out at a bar, and we were arguing about whatever it is drunk couples argue about at 1:30 am on a street outside of a bar. Something about me not wanting to leave and he being upset that I called him a jerk. We hardly ever speak harshly towards each other. Honestly it doesn't matter what the fight was because the fact of the matter is he shoved me, hard. Had I been sober, it may not have mattered. But between that and the force of his push I fell, hit my face on the curb, scratched my face and busted my lip. It looks bad. Of course he felt bad, and of course he apologized. My friends were horrified and he couldn't even look at me. And now I'm just angry. I'm angry for getting drunk and fighting. I'm angry that he pushed me. And I'm angry that I was so badly hurt because I want to just pretend like it never happened. But I feel like everyone is looking at me like I have to dump him... I love him and I never want this to happen again. I respect myself. But I feel like unless I do something, I will look like I don't. I'm just confused and lost and hurt and am looking for any insight what so ever!
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To begin the first problem is that you trust him more then you trust yourself. If the relationship doesn't go well and ends, the last thing you want is to feel like the only person you could trust is out of your life. Secondly, don't think that just because he is really sorry this time that it won't happen again. Don't think that just because he was drunk that it won't happen again. I know that this hurts you a lot but you really need to think in the sense of long term. Do you want to marry someone who shoves you around, or does worse? I'm not saying he has to be a perfect man who never gets upset, I'm just saying be careful. At the end of the day the choice is yours whether you should stay with him or not. But take into consideration all the things I've said please. Hoped that I could help.
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Hi there. Just reading through adviceman49's reply which get a well-deserved 5. Pretending it never happened is not an option. The tendency is there, and unchecked you are storing up a lot of unhappiness for yourself, if not worse. But you might try talking to your boyfriend very seriously and thoroughly. We are not all perfectly-compensated in character. We could well argue that nobody is in all respects. But much can be done if we are willing to try. Is he willing to undertake some proper and formal anger-management counselling? We all feel frustration and anger, the only difference is in how we manage these emotions. Lashing out like this against you is not acceptable. Wrong on every level. If he isn't willing to admit he has a problem, and isn't committed enough to seek a proper solution right now, dump him.
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wow yeah i actually remember this being asked before too but i hadnt looked back and realized it was the same girl thanks.
It sounds like the love is there between you two OK, but even someone that loves you should never EVER think its ok to harm you. if anything they should be MORE cautious and protective to make sure that DOESNT happen, not the opposite.
maybe you both shouldnt go out drinking but rather stay home where your safer just to make sure you avoid these kinds of problems. if hes still doing it at home then you know shits bad and things need to change.
but i DO have to back up the others here that it sounds like hes a problem drinker. if hes nice when hes sober and then easily has temper tantrums or mood swings while intoxicated then hes not safe to drink and needs to just stay away from that stuff or you need to walk away not before something else happens.
try to talk to him when hes calm and if he argues dont feed into the bullshit, just stay calm, let him vent and get out everything he wants to get out and make sure you make eye contact so that he knows your listening and give this your full attention.
say poker faced, do NOT make dumb immature faces while hes trying to talk to you that will also only fuel shit and get him more mad giving him full rights to go off into another rant.
stay quiet.
make full eye contact.
dont make any faces.
nothing but a blank face.
let him say everything he wants to say so that he feels your really trying to hear him out in your attempt to be serious about this.
and most importantly ASK "can we talk?" because it may NOT be a good time when you DO so if hes not open to it then he should let you know and you can come back later.
Not addressing this is NOT going to work, and needs to be nipped in the bud pronto.
i hope you can make this happen and good luck.
I dont think anyone here really just WANTS to see a couple that can make things work break up because thats not fair. We dont know you well enough to be able to do anything but take what your saying at face value, and from what youve described here, it sounds pretty bad.
good luck and i hope you love each other enough to grow passed this. some couples grow together through this life while some grow apart.
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Honestly, you are right to be angry, and you are right to feel some shame. Getting so drunk that you get in a physical altercation with your partner, in public no less, that's not normal. That's not healthy. That is not how normal, healthy couples, deal with this disagreements, not even when they are 20 years old and drunk.
If either of you got so drunk that either of you couldn't stop yourself from getting into a physical fight - and yeah, shoving counts - then that person was too fucking drunk and needs to seriously revaluate their relationship with alcohol.
If you are going to stay with him (and that is entirely up to you) then you both need to have a serious conversation about how you are going to disagree in the future without doing stupid ass shit. If he can't get drunk, and still remember not to do stupid ass shit - like shove people - then perhaps he, or both of you, should both stop drinking so much. If either of you think that alcohol is totally not a problem here, that's a damn good sign that Yes, alcohol is totally a problem here.
Seriously. This is not a mistake that happened because you are young. This is a mistake that should never have happened. If you both know that, are are serious about making sure you deal with disagreements in the future in healthy (preferably sober) ways, then fine, but if you just pretend this never happened, then you should break up. Because if you lie to yourselves and pretend this didn't happen, it will happen again.
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You may not be aware of the fact that certain advisors are moderators on this site. Those that are, I am one of them, have the ability to look back at questions you may have asked in the past. I have just done so. I do this to give me some insight into you and the question you are now asking.
Six months ago you wrote that you and your boyfriend of 2 1/2 years had broken up and that you were devastated; you did not say why you broke up. I assume you have reunited.
Pushing, shoving, hitting or physically harming someone is always wrong regardless of who is doing the harming. For a man to harm a woman, even with all the liberalization women have earned, it is still wrong for a man to hit a woman. While in certain circumstances it is justified for a woman to slap a man.
Pushing you in such a manner that you fall to the ground and are harmed falls into the category of him being wrong regardless of his reasons or what you may have said to provoke him. Drunk or sober there is no excuse for losing control and pushing you to the ground.
So what to do about it. If this has happened once it will happen again. If this is not the first time and the reason you broke up with him was he has hit you or harmed you in the past; then the answer is simple. You walk away for this is a toxic relationship where you can end up being seriously harmed one day.
If this is the first time he has harmed you then there are two things I suggest you two do.
1. If you both drink to the point of being drunk, reading back through your questions that is the impression I have, you are what is considered a problem drinker. No one should drink to the point of getting drunk every time they go out drinking. IF this description of your drinking fits one or both of you then I suggest getting help for your drinking. alcohol Anonymous (AA) is a place to start.
2. Given the fact that your boyfriend got so enraged as to lash out at you he needs to seek out anger management help as well. Even drunk one should be able to control their anger so as not to lash out at a loved one.
IF you two are not willing to do this for each other then your relationship is most likely headed in the wrong direction with you being the one to be physically harmed someday in the future. It is unfortunately true that the evidence and statistics on these things are not in your favor. Correction now will save much pain and heartache later.
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