|
advice-mother and i, are not talking!
Basics- 20, live alone. Always been a rocky relationship. We were on good terms untill...
So, at the beginning of the month me and my mother had a argument. It started of the fact that I need her birth certificate for a passport.stupid, I know.
The argument of course escalated, as they do, she said I was selfish, and never spoke to them or see them unless I wanted something.
Then I went on to say, I know I'm selfish, but least I know where I stand, you never make effort to see me first, its always me to.
Then I said it.. What shouldn't have.. 'who organized my brothers birthday, me! When was the last time you went out with any of your children?'
Now she wont speak to me! Its been a month!
Now this sito may seem abit silly to some of you out there, but our relationship has always be on the rocks. I just want to solve it, but we are both far to stubborn, I should step up and apologise, I really know I should, I love her after all, but I'm fed up with her bullying. I understand that's she's just a mother, who is hurt that her children have grown up. But why cant she just enjoy it with us. We was like best friends at one point... So maybe some advice on a subtle way of apologising, or a way just to get us speaking again?
I miss her, but I just cant say sorry. Its terrible, dreadful, but I stupidly cant bring myself to it. And besides I've finally stood up for myself urghh, shut up....!!!!!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
It sounds like you two have some problems, but it's great that you want to make a move in your relationship with your mom. And anyone would explode and sometimes ring up bad stuff when in an argument, so that I can understand. If you want to be friends with your mom again and she won't speak to you, maybe you should leave her a note or something in her mailbox telling her what you told us. Maybe she will agree, maybe not, but if she isn't speaking to you, then a note, text, email, or something may be the only way to get in touch with Her. But depending on how mad she is, she could've blocked you from texts so a letter may be the only way to be sure she gets it. Or if you have some money, maybe some therapy so you two can get to the bottom of your problems and sort them all out. Not everyone can afford that though and it's perfectly understanding if you don't want to do that. But I would say start off with a note and see if maybe she can talk, and if things go well, maybe you two can start getting along again like you used to
]
When a child p0ints 0ut s0mething t0 a parent that the parent did wr0ng 0r attempts t0 c0rrect them, that really grabs the parents attenti0n and usually in n0t s0 g00d a way. The first reacti0n is "Hey wait a minute, I'm the adult here, h0w dare y0u chastize me." D0esnt matter that the child is n0w an adult, the 0lder a pers0n, 0r being an elder makes a pers0n feel they can d0 n0 wr0ng cus there 0lder and kn0w better.
I'm human, I've had the same th0ughts hit when a daughter p0inted 0ut certain things where I made mistakes 0r didn't see I was d0ing wr0ng. It takes a pers0n wh0 deep inside is humble and has an attitude 0f always wanting t0 d0 better in life t0 accept such w0rds and make c0rrecti0ns n0 matter wh0 shared th0se w0rds.
Since y0ur m0ther w0uld prefer t0 be right and n0t humble herself en0ugh t0 f0rgive and ask f0rgiveness, she is 0nly hurting herself. Y0u in time will find by behaving the same as y0ur m0ther, that in harb0ring unf0rgiveness and n0t being able t0 humble y0urself and ask f0r f0rgiveness, n0t f0r sharing the truth (which y0u d0nt menti0n as it will incite here again) but f0rgiveness perhaps f0r h0w y0u shared it, the w0rds, 0r maybe even the attitude in y0ur heart at the w0rds.
N0t 0ne human alive likes the pr0cess 0f being c0rrected. But there is a way they will receive th0se w0rds fr0m a pers0n with0ut 0ver reacting, and that is because 0f certain vibes they pick up 0n that are c0ming 0ff the 0ther pers0n.
It is y0ur heart attitude and feelings t0wards her in general that she picked up 0n str0nger, than the w0rds y0u sp0ke. S0 even th0ugh y0u feel y0u may have n0t sp0ken harshly, it is m0re likely that even th0u she isnt aware 0f it, subc0nsci0usly she's reacting t0 th0se vibes with attitude that she picked up.I'm just guessing here based 0n what y0u wr0te that y0u said.
heres that invisible s0mething we pick up 0n.
If she truly has been trying t0 c0ntr0l y0u all al0ng in y0ur life, and is a very t0xic pers0n t0 be ar0und, (I married such a pers0n.) that changes things s0me.
I kn0w that with s0me pe0ple, n0 matter h0w hard y0u try t0 reach a state 0f peace and c0mpr0mise with them, its N0T p0ssible and theref0re better, family 0r n0t, t0 n0t ass0ciate with that pers0n anym0re 0r very little. Y0u didn't share any specifics, s0 I can't kn0w if thats the case here. If it is y0u d0 need t0 make sure she d0esnt interfere in y0ur life. Y0u picking up the slack, by y0ur ch0ice, where she is n0t d0ing s0mething like d0ing br0thers birthday party, was y0ur ch0ice, n0t her c0ercing y0u t0 d0 it. If it inv0lved seeing her when y0u preferred n0t t0, next time, why n0t just treat y0ur br0ther 0ut t0 dinner and n0t 0rganize a big party where all relatives and friends expect t0 be invited.
0nly y0u can ch00se h0w y0u are g0ing t0 react 0r feel. Y0u can't change an0ther pers0n but y0u can chance y0urself f0r the better. S0 get in the habit 0f asking y0urself, 0kay..heres h0w i want t0 reasp0nd, h0w I naturally resp0nd, but h0w can I d0 better. And take the time t0 figure it 0ut, that's part 0f what maturing and being an adult is all ab0ut. And n0 0ne is perfect. If y0u expect perfect fr0m every0ne y0u meet, y0u'll be unhappy m0st y0ur life.
N0t making excuses f0r her. I was in an abusive marriage. I t00k the attitude 0f being a peace maker, but n0t ap0l0gizing if I had said n0thing wr0ng because then I am weakening myself, lieing t0 myself and saying 0r d0ing s0mething I knew was false which may be y0ur attitude.
0ne time when hubby demanded an ap0l0gy, I went t0 pray and ask G0d, "Did I miss s0mething, did I d0 s0mething wr0ng I need t0 ap0l0gize t0 him f0r?"
The immediate answer I g0t was, "N0, I can see y0ur heart, y0u did n0t say 0r d0 anything wr0ng. H0wever, he was reacting t0 y0ur t0ne 0f v0ice, which in itself isnt bad, its just that HE percieves y0ur natural v0ice that way. S0 if y0u want t0, next time whenever y0u want t0 talk t0 him, try a different t0ne 0f v0ice that d0esnt seem t0 irritate him." And see, even there, th0 I wasn't in the wr0ng, there was s0mething I c0uld d0 t0 impr0ve h0w he and I g0t al0ng, even th0 he was the 0ne with all the issues and mental health issues I wasn't aware 0f at the time.
If y0u take that attitude t0 impr0ve h0w y0u handle each per0n y0u c0me acr0ss in life in ways that they w0n't 0ver react t0 because 0f their 0wn issues, that is a g00d thing, y0u are n0t admiting wr0ng, just learning h0w t0 be the exact kind 0f dipl0mat f0r every different pers0n y0u meet. That takes 0ut al0t 0f the bumps and r0cks in 0nes path that w0uld've been there 0therwise.
]
Having an adult relationship with some parents can be troublesome as some parents never see there children as adults.
Then there are some parents like my own father who would never apologize for being wrong. My mother was always the peace maker getting me to apologize, then she passed away. When my father said something very hurtful to my wife I demanded an apology he would give one. For the next ten years to the day he died we never spoke or saw each other again.
I fine with this for in my mind it made up for all those years of the silent treatment he gave me until my mother convinced me to apologize even when I was right. It was he who missed out on many things. His grandson being the honor graduate from College. His grandson being honored for saving the life of an infant who was in full arrest when he arrived on the scene of a 911 call. He missed his grandsons graduation from the Fire Academy as well. He failed to acknowledge in any way when I was nearly killed in an auto accident.
As I said I am fine with all of this. I was 52 and he was 77when we stopped talking. He lived another 14 years. Your 20 years old and you mother is what in her late 40's early 50's.
While I understand you not wanting to be the one to apologize and I'm the last one who would be suggesting that you should. In this situation I am going to suggest that you be the bigger person and approach her first.
There are many ways to apologize. You could say; "Mom in the heat of anger I may have said something to upset you." "If I did I apologize for that." You are apologizing for the words you used not necessarily what you said.
Then you say, "Mom we have to talk." This is where you tell her you love her and want her in your live. This is also where you get to in a delicate manner try to set some ground rules for how you want her in your life. You don't use the word bullying. What you do is explain you are an adult know with adult responsibilities whatever they may be for you; work or school or both.
While you value her advice it is hurtful if it is thrust upon you with out your asking for it makes you feel somewhat of a child when you are trying o be a grown up. Yes you will make mistakes but hopefully you will learn form them. It would also be nice if once in awhile she and dad come visit you in your home so you can entertain them.
I think you get the idea. You may feel that I'm asking you to talk to deaf ears. You are not believe me. Stand your ground and continue to put your rules in place. Also remember that roads go both ways and it would be nice for you to make time to visit them.
]
More Questions: |