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Confused on how to feel -vacation
My dream has always been to go to the ocean and etcc. My family has never gone for two main reasons my dad hates them, and my mom hates flying.
I told my boyfriend (whom I've been with 3 years) that I have always wanted to go there since I was little. Next month is my 23 birthday, and he surprised me by booking a trip to take me there! I am so excited!
However, I am worried my mom is going to be very angry. I told her how I wanted to visit a friend who moved to Texas for a job and she said "oh no I would be too nervous you flying there" she has always done stuff like this. I didn't go to the college of my choice, because it was 2 hours away and that was too far away from her.
I am worried about her reaction when I tell her. Should I feel bad? What should I say? I'm not wrong, am I?
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If its your dream vacation to go to the ocean then go ahead and go it doesn't matter what your parents say anymore your an adult and you can handle things on your own.I understand that your parents have been there for you since you were little but you can't let them take control of your life anymore. You saw what happened you didn't get to go to the college of your choice because your mom was afraid that it was to far away from her. They are done with their parenting and I'm pretty sure they did a great job on raising you but they can't keep on controlling your life. Talk to them and see what happens.
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Your parents job with parenting is done. They no longer have a say in what you do with your life. As a parent of 3 daughters from your age on up, I can say though, that we never stop worrying or even being concerned about our childrens choices in life. However its their life, not mine. I have no right to tell them what to do. I am now in the advisor role. But...and its a big BUT...I can not advise them what to do, share my opinion unless they are asking me for it. Thats my role now as parent, as someone who knows them well, their sounding board. I may at times have a point, but their mistakes, if any are theirs to make too.
Your mom has a fear. That is not asked for advise. If you choose not to fly out to the ocean to make her feel better...guess what you are doing? The truth is...you are enabling her to remain stuck with a fear. If this is her only fear, thats one thing but she may have other fears too. Fact is more people die in car accidents than plane accidents. Is she worried everytime you drive somewhere? I would say its not just personal fears like flying she's dealing with, but she is unable to release you to be an adult, she is clinging onto the parenting role, unable to make the natural move most parents do, to support their children through early adulthood.
You already are in a mode of catering to moms fears and moms suggestions to make her happy and not worry. This does not help her move on but you are supporting her in remaining stuck. And as much as you would like to think it, what you are doing has nothing to do with the Bibles admonition to Honor your parents. You can honor them as parents but not follow their bidding when it comes to living your life. You can consider and listen to what input they have to give...that is being honorful of your parents but YOU have to weigh their input in any big life decisions and then still decide for yourself which really hold any valid concern, which are flimsy or just plain fears of the parent. A parent can actually be wrong too at times. Imagine never in your life going to the ocean, never marrying the guy you wanted to, never taking the job you wanted to and when mom finally passes one day, you will realize you don't really know who you are anymore as you have lived your life for mom, allowing her to life her life through you. You don;t have the life you'd have wanted for yourself and at mid life may consider it too late to start so you are angry and miserable for the rest of yours feeling cheated. But I have to point out, it would be ALL your own fault. You made the choice to give the control of your life over to Mom. That is not what it takes to truly Love and honor a parent. So don't allow her to place any guilt trip on you if you choose and do contrary to what she likes. SHe can say you don't love her or care about her and that would be false, unfair and also manipulative and also a fact that with that manipulation, she has some very real issues with negative thought patterns and require counseling to learn how to not let negative thoughts control her life, and also how to not manipulate and control people. These are possibly very real issues she battles and you standing up to her, not caving in to her fears and wishes are only going to help her come to the point sooner where she hopefully realizes SHE is the one with issues and that it might be best for her to go see a counselor.
Go enjoy your trip to the ocean. I'd say you've found yourself you've found the most wonderful boyfriend is he cares this much about you to make one of your dreams come true. Hold onto that guy. He sounds like a keeper so far.
By the way, since you have caved in to her wishes before, you've spoiled her so expect a really big fight, basically...her totally throwing a fit like a spoiled bratty child. Yes, parents are capable of doing that. It isn't right and means she needs professional help. But be prepared, mom won't let this pass without making a big stink and trying everything she can to make you so miserable that you cave in again. Stay strong. Have a talk with her. Tell her you value her opinions and advice if you ask for it. But you were not asking for advice here, you are an adult now and its time she realized that. You realize you've allowed her to control and run your life and choices including college and she needs to let go. You are ready to live your own life and so are merely informing her of where you are going for your birthday next month just to be thoughtful so she doesnt wonder where you've disapppeared to...especially if you live at home still. If you have your own place, but mom might want to invite you over for your birthday, she'd need to know you'll be gone and have to see you before you leave to celebrate or after your return. You TELL her how its going to be, you don't ASK her if it will be okay with her, You don't ASK for her blessing, because you know in her current mental state, she is unable to give it. I am not saying she has a mental illness, but she's going to need help for a a short while with a counselor if she's going to be able to continue in life without having a fear of releasing you to live your own life.
HOpe this helps dear.
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You should not feel bad. You're 23, you can't be under the influence of your parents for ever. They can't have a say in everything you do. It's your life, and if you want to take a trip, then accept the awesome gift your boyfriend gave you, and don't let anyone have a say in it. Life is too short to not live it.
Hope this helps~
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You shouldn't feel bad.
Your mother's fears are her own, and she needs to handle them in a respectful way.
You don't OWE it to her to never fly. You do owe your boyfriend the respect of not cancelling this fantastic trip because you are worried about hurting your mother's crazy feelings!
Lots of people are afraid of flying. Many of those people STILL FLY, because they know despite their fears it's a rather safe thing to do and a necessary way of getting about.
Your mother is allowed to be afraid, but she has no right to be angry, and frankly, if you surrender to your mother's crazy, your boyfriend would have every right to be pissed off with you. I wouldn't want to date a 23 year old who lives their dedicated to making their mom not act like a crazy people, at the expense of their own life.
Tell your mother. It's okay to be nervous of her reaction - it will be bad, but don't back down. She can be as afraid as she wants. She has no right to be angry, and no reason to stop you. Be sympathetic to her - it's sad that she so scarred - but let her know that her fear will not be stopping you. If you are clear and firm, she will have to learn to cope with the fact that you are your own person.
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