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I want to date but..my mom
My mom woulnt let me have a boyfriend...what should i do because im 12 but my friends are not dateing but i really want to!!
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"I'm afraid I have to side with mom on this; that at 12 you are too young to date. You have a few more years to socialize and mature before actual dating can start.
I have a question for you. It seems the young people your age have a different definition of dating then people your parents age and I do. My question is by the dictionary definition of dating are your friends actually dating?
If I use the dictionary definition of dating I believe what your friends are doing is what your parents and I called going steady. We weren't actually dating but we walked the halls in school together. When a group of us went to the mall or the movies we held hands and maybe hugged and kissed in the dark at the movies though by definition we were not dating. Young people today are in such a great hurry to grow up that they have redefined many things. I believe dating is one of them. You are about to enter your teenage years which come only once in a lifetime. This is the time when as parents we expect you to grow and explore your way to becoming an adult. Do not rush through this period in your life as you miss too much of what you will need later in life. This is when you learn the social graces or refine the social graces your parents have taught you. You learn more of what society expects from you.
There is an old Indian saying; "It takes an entire village to raise a child." This is a true statement and is very much in play in today’s society. It is during your teenage years when parents allow their children to spread their wings and grow that the village (your town or city) really steps in to help raise you.
Slow down this is not the time to jump from 12 to 16 or 18 you will miss too much.
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While it may be young to start dating according to most adults, you feel it unfair due to your growing interest in boys.
The interest is natural but actual 'dating' is not the best process for learning more about guys at your age. With 'actual dating' comes the pressure of romance and though you might get feelings for a guy, its better to get down the friendship angle fully and know how to understand and converse and just enjoy the presence of a guy as a friend first.
You need to learn the different ways another person views a situation, let alone how guys reason and comprehend situations differently than girls, etc.
So the next question is, do the parents let you have girlfriends come over to the house to visit you? If yes, then it should be no different issue to allow a friend who is a boy, a male come to hang out with you at home. They like all parents, including myself, want to assure you don't get into the romance and sex part of a relationship too early. Even in our later teens we are poorly equipped. But you will have a jump start if you start to learn the difference in a guys mind from yours now and how to form a friendship because both friendship and the romance are needed to have successful relationships, and will come in handly later on.
So here's what I did for my girls, i had 3. Told them that friendship with a boy was important, that dating could wait. But to help with the friendship part, it was okay for them to have guy friends come to the house to hang with them, as long as a parent was home. two reasons: to supervise and make sure they stuck with just the friendship part for now and another to see how he treated her when he didnt know we were watching. Mental and physical abuse among teens is very high and often for girls comes from the guy she is dating. We wanted to be able to get to know him and his character to know she's be safe with him, no different really than any girlfriend who might be going the wrong way, into drugs, stealing, drinking, and could be a possible influence on our daughters.
So you need to forget using the term boyfriend with the parents because that automatically will make their minds switch over to their 'romance' version of a 'boyfriend' and shut you down.
He is at friend status just as your female friends and just happens to be a male.
If you explain to Mom that when you said boyfriend, you just want to learn the right way to have a guy as a friend and there is a guy whom you'd like to be friends with, perhaps you will have a chance. As long as you don't have ulterior motives, Mom really should feel comfortable with this. If I were you, I would also flatter her because in truth, as your mom, she should be the one to go to whenever you come across misunderstandings and communication problems with a guy, since she's had more time and experience than you and can be helpful. Let her know that you want her help to guide you as you learn how to be friends with a guy and learn how to understand them and this way, you'll be better prepared when the time comes they allow you to date and she'll also have a good feeling for the character of the boy you like and have as a close friend. He can't keep up a pretend nice self for more than a couple months so if over a couple years time, she see's who the real guy is and likes him too as your friend and approves, its more likely that you will be able to date freely without the parents setting too many rules with him. Now if its a new guy, even later on, I would suggest allowing them to get to know this new guy same way so they feel confident about him with you. I will say that there are few boys at your age who will have the guts to even come visit at your house knowing your parents are observing him.
My girls had an extremely hard time finding any guy willing to come over, One almost did once and chickened out at last minute.
So, if you agree with me, that this is really all you want right now in a male friend and are willing to go with the program, then present it to mom and see what she says. If you get an initial no, the next time the family is planning an event like going as a family to the beach one Saturday, having a back yard bar b cue and having their friends over, ask if you can invite a girl and guy over too. These are some of friends you hang out with at school. Having the girl there too diffuses away from Moms concern that this is only a boyfriend thing and should break the barrier of her feeling uncomfortable with it.
good luck dear! If you get any more questions about this situation as they occur, just write to me from my column and I'll be glad to help.
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Personally I would say leave the whole dating thing until you are a bit older since there's really no rush and in all honesty enjoy being 12 because when you reach 16 (or whenever your mom is okay with you dating) you'll only look back eventually and think why didn't you enjoy the stress free childhood when you had the chance.
Why is it you want to date so much even though your friends are not dating? Is it purely to show you have superseded them or is it because there is someone you are interested in?
If there is someone you like and its why you want to date then by all means talk to your mom about it. Parents are strict because they care about your well-being but I would like to think that your mom would also listen to you and listen to reason provided its constructive - so screaming at your mom sayin it's not fair wouldn't really achieve anything but talking to her about it and explaining your side of it (if there's someone you like) she may listen and hopefully you both can come to some kind of mutual understanding. I personally think she just wants you to enjoy being a kid while you can without having to deal so soon with all the stress and complications that come along with dating. If nothing else your mom may explain why she doesn't wish for you to date and it may all make a lot more sense to you as to why she's being the way she is.
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