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My parents are acting abnormal...
So my parents have a big relationship issue. they are constanly fighting over the stupidest things (such as how much laundry detergent needs to go in the washer) and it ends up turning into screaming matches. I can tell my mom hates my dad. She's always rolling her eyes at him, making rude comments about his weight, and she never tells him any of her plans. Also, when I was about 5 or 6 (I'm 15 now) they stopped sleeping in the same bed. My mom said it was "because he snores" but he sleeps on the air mattress across the hall from their bedroom. Before my sisters wedding, my mom said "I regret getting married and not waiting until I knew your father better". They seem like they should be getting a divorce except my mom is highly against getting a divorce. I don't know if I should tell them how their relationship make me feel, and how it effects my life, or if I should try to convince them to get couples therapy. I'm just afraid that they will think it's not my business and not listen.
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It is a bad situation in that mom is against divorce no matter how miserable she is in this marriage. They co-habitat, produced kids together but are not in essense, a couple. Only a marriage license, a piece of paper says so. two people don't have to be in love with each other and perfect for each other to produce kids. And such was the case for me. I married a church going guy, thought it was a good choice but too naive and inexperienced to see the subtle clues that something was off. I wasn't experienced sexually, a virgin so I had no idea that he and I did not incite passion in each other. So from my wedding night on, I never was satisfied by him, and he wasnt by me. However he had mental health issues and yet I stayed against my familys counseling because at the time I believed what i was taught at church, that it is wrong to divorce, as they said, instead, let God heal your marriage. Have faith. Well, I had faith for 30 yrs before God finally got through to me and said, I gave each of you a free will. If I choose to change him from who he is, into someone perfect for you, then I take away his right and free will to be who he is. In the end I realized it was more important to my physical health which was suffering, to leave him. I now have the perfect husband in a new man.
So if they stopped sleeping together, its not just the snoring, that was the excuse they gave, but something deeper, they were likely not right for each other. Unfortunately, in staying, the 3 daughters got to witness their fathers verbal abuse towards me and it over all the years did have an impact on them. So I am sure it may be doing the same to you. WHile you still feel normal to yourself, it is more likely that you could easily explain away bad or dangerous behaviour in a guy. One daughter married 3rd time even tho not yet 30 and the guy is a total mental nutcase, so dangerous to himself that we fear for the safety of her and kids.ling his responses or anger in situations so I do worry for her too. the 3rd, is not able to commit long term to any guy because, she has such high expectations in wanting to be sure she doesn't marry someone anywehere near like Dad, that no man on the planet can meet her criteria. SHe finds fault in all of them eventually after dating for a while. She's on #5 right now. I wish I knew back then what I know looking back. It would have been better to leave him earlier for the kids mental/emotional development. But even if they had said something, like your mom, I was totally against divorce, so it would have done nothing. What damage may have been done inside yuou giving yu a warped perspective of relationships if any, has already had its effect by now. YOu've witness way too much of the negative and likely have no idea what a harmonious loving relationship between a man and woman should look like. Definately, if they have been a mismatch since day one, then couples therapy is not the answer, divorce is. I am sure each loves you in their own way, just not each other. that is something that your saying anything to them is not going to magically fix. It will only make mom feel more miserable. As long as you are provided for and your are not being neglected or physically abused, the law would uphold them that they are doing all that is needed for kids and they are still within the bounds of the law. So you wouldnt even have the law on your side.
You are right they will feel its none of your business and not listen even though technically as it does effect you, it should be. But in real life, things don't work that way. If you still are determined to b ring it up, just do it one at a time cus if you bring it up to both at the same time, they will immediately start fighting and blaming each other. If you just can't let things be and wait until you can move out, then the next time Mom makes a comment like she did before the wedding, use the opportunity to launch a convo based on what she said, like "Mom, in what ways do you regret getting married to Dad. What is it about him. I am not taking sides, just want to understand. SHe may or may not go into detail. Either way, you could say, I know you don't want to really turn me against my Dad by saying all that kind of stuff, but I know nothing but what I can observe and I know something is seriously wrong. You may think it doesn't affect me, but it does. It really bothers me emotional Mom. I just want you to be happy and Dad too. If you are not happy being together, then having stayed together for my sake isn't helping me any. Just thought you might want to know. Its probably not my business but the emotional concerns i have are too heavy to bear in silence. Please know I still love you both and that will never change.
It is only a slight chance that pouring out your hearth and thoughts will have a positive response or no effect at all. More likely to receive an angry reaction towards you in response. After years of misery never being in love and being with the wrong person, mom could have shut down her positive emotions and only allows her negatives ones to flourish, her only release for her unhappiness as far as she thinks.
So in the end, even tho you get it off your chest, it will still have no effect. You might ask Dad alone why he still hangs around if the two of them dont get along. You could ask if its truly because of you kids cus you'd rather see him happy, or if its just financial reasons. Its hard to start a new life financially in a a bad economy, losing each others income may make it hard to find a place to live and that Would affect you for sure if they were to part ways today.
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I think you should stay out of your parents marriage. It has been 10 years and has become their normal. It is not your place to play marriage counselor to your parents. As long as they are loving parents to you and not supplying you with all the things a parent is required to give to their children their marriage problems are not your concern.
I understand that their marriage and relationship will or does have its affect on you. Your parents marriage is not the stereotypical marriage one expects to see and once a child would be best to be brought up in. It is better than a one parent home as both your father and mother are in your home to nurture you. If this is true then while their living arrangement is abnormal you are not suffering all that much and in a much better place than children of a one parent home.
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