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Serious question about virginity (really)
I'm a 23 year old f and I'm a complete sexual virgin. Never kissed or did anything sexual, ever. There are two main reasons. I grew up in a religious community with the belief that sex is for marriage, and I've accepted that until now. Also, during my late teens, I experienced a serious illness and didn't respond well. So I was distracted from most normal things dating and friendships for a few years. I'm better physically but since I've come to college, I haven't moved on with dating.
I still like the idea of saving sex for serious relationships, but I'm so sexually frustrated, it's ridiculous. When I see an attractive guy, I feel kind of crazy and like a pervert. When I see a hot scene in a movie, it really turns me on. I feel so weird because I never dated and all my friends (who are all girls) are into bar hopping, boyfriends or married. I kind of want to start dating but I have no experience. I went to a girls school so I started off being not used to talking normally with guys and I never picked it up in college. I wouldn't say I'm ugly or completely socially inept, but I do react oddly to some normal situations. I don't know how to start having normal guy friends. And the other week, my friend's friend took me to a bar and drunk guys started hitting on me, but it was seedy so I freaked out and left. She thought it was weird I didn't give my number because she has a boyfriend and 2 sex buddies.
Help, I don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated
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Hi there. You're definitely not a pervert/crazy etc for having these reactions to males right now. It's a case of repressing (squashing down or bottling-up) the urges for long periods. The repression was somewhat enforced (or 'wired' into your psyche if you like) due to the environment and conditions you were in, from what you write. Repressing any strong urges and emotions will ultimately have some backlash, and/or manifest itself in other ways. Rather like the way a child's 'Jack in the box' toy pops out when it's released. A lot of random energy spilling out, bit of a surprise...and so on. So, at 23 you've decided to make your own mind up about sexual relationships. Try not to think of dating as something you will have abstract 'experience' of, since every different guy is in many ways a unique and new experience. Think, would the fact that a guy had dated 'lots of girls' cut much ice with you one way or another. If you like him...so what if he has. If you just don't'click' then equally, so what if he has!! Finding a seedy, drunken guy hitting on you (in a bar/environment that you think is a bit sleazy as well) is unlikley to be a situation many women would really appreciate. Don't worry about that. Your friend finds it acceptable? That's her right and her choice. But she's not you. You did right to keep your phone number dark I reckon. He wasn't the one for you. Follow your instincts. If you find yourself drawn to a guy and connecting on a social level, it will look a totally different ballgame. You'll be fine. You've got a good self-image (when a woman comments that she's "not socially dysfunctional or ugly" I tend to find she's a WHOLE lot better in both respects than her modest description!).
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Unfortunately, some religions make you feel guilt or shame to be sexual or have those desires. Sexuality and sexual desires are perfectly normal. It'd be much worse if you didn't have those desires. Sexual repression can lead to other psychological issues. If you don't believe me? Look it up.
That doesn't mean you should be like your slutty friend. Don't give into peer pressure and into doing something you don't wanna do. You were smart to leave that place.
Don't compare yourself to your friends. Just because they are married or have boyfriends doesn't mean they're happier than you, or even happy at all. No need to feel bad about yourself cause you don't have that.
I assume you don't. But maybe you should try to please yourself to get some release/relief. Its not weird, its not gross, you won't go to hell. You're not gonna be a disgusting human being for doing it. Nor should you feel guilt or shame.
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Being a 23 year old virgin is nothing to be ashamed of though I can understand your frustration as well. I am also glad to hear your health is better.
The best way I know to make friends and meet new people of both sexes is through activities of commonality. Being in college one of those areas would be study groups. The commonality there is the course of study. Be active and helpful in the group where you excel in that course of study. You would be surprised guys do make passes at girls that glasses. Meaning the smart girls.
Serious not hear and I will get thrown out of the boys club for this. Boys have trouble approaching pretty girls especially girls that are good looking and smart. If you develop a conversational relationship with someone in study group it is okay to suggest moving the conversation to getting coffee.
The next way I know to meet people, and this has been proven as I give this advice frequently. Is to sit down with a pencil and paper and make a list of all the things you like to do or are interested in. What do you like to do in your spare time. Maybe you like to go hiking, or camping. You might like to go bike riding or bowling. You could be into photography. You mentioned you come from a religious home so list the church activities you like.
Once you have made the list number them from 1 to however many you have then take the top 5 and look to see which of these activities are available in the form of club or activities in your area. once you find where and when these 5 activities are meeting go and attend the meeting or activity to see if it is for you. If it is join. Once you join you start by being a good listener when you have something relevant to add to a conversation you do so. In general you will find these activities are welcoming of new people as they are always looking for new ideas. Friendships are made and from friendships stable relationships grow.
One last suggestion would be if you are still following your religious upbringing would be to try a religious mat site such as http//www:Christianmingle.com
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