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Dating and virginity
I'm so worried about dating. I'm 18 and in university and I haven't dated anyone or even kissed a guy. I do want to eventually settle down and I have had crushed on guys but it's just so hard for me to talk to them and I feel that sometimes it's just not worth the effort. Then there is a the whole virginity thing, in my culture it's expected that I will only lose my virginity after marriage and I want it to be that way, but it seems so unlikely that someone will want to wait that long! I don't know how to find out if they would or not! Even guys from my culture aren't interested as far as I know! I'm not really sure what kind of advice I want but anything would be helpful I guess! Have you experienced anything similar?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Virginity is a great, but often unrealistic expectations in thus culture and modern times.
Make sure you are honest with your love interest and ask his respect and understanding.
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There are plusses and minuses to both sides dear.
Understand first that the practice of remaining a virgin til marriage was once instigated ages ago for men to know whether a child was his or not. It wasn't about raising and caring for one that wasn't his, but actually having a blood related heir to passing their holdings and estate on to. Paternity tests are only a thing of modern times.
Back then, a girl remaining virgin guaranteed that she wasn't already carrying a lovers child when she married her husband. That practice was used ONLY for that reason back then. And in todays time, it has been pointless to use for that reason when there is such a thing as birth control to prevent getting pregnant before finding your mate for life, condoms to prevent getting an STD.
I was a virgin when I married as I was part of the CHristian church and they too taught this custom of remaining a virgin til marriage. I was, fiancee wasn't. Until I became married and all that followed, I would have been the first to say, wait til marriage. I just want to toss out a possibility that can ruin a marriage for virgins.
My experience: We felt the excitement of new experience, new person when dating and getting engaged. I took it to mean we had the chemistry to make the sex life part of relationship work. This is the same level of excitement a child has anticipating birthday or christmas and knowing all the gifts they'll have to open. With a relationship, its even stronger but still not the real thing. Once it fades and a couples feelings return to normal after experiencing the newness of each other and sex with each other, eventually you are left with what the REAL chemistry is between you two. In my case, we were totally mismatched sexually. He had a low libido, didnt want often, I had the high libido, and no, there was no compromising with him. The attraction level for him after honeymoon just wasn't there. He never looked at me in 30 yrs with desire in his eyes. He didn't take the time to really please me and His chemistry was such that I never felt aroused by him, never had orgasms, it was just doing it like a programmed robot. Had 3 kids out of it. But thats the only good I can say there was. His frustrations grew as he wasnt happy either. He started verbally abusing me. BUT i stayed because of the kids. One bad decision led to more for me. Staying was the wrong thing as I can now see how it messed up my 3 daughters mentally witnessing what they did and getting some verbal abuse of their own from him. I left once the kids were out of the house. And this all started because I didn't know any better back then to 'test drive the car before i buy it' so to speak. If I had had regular sex with him for a month and gotten beyond that honeymoon state, I would have seen the glaring difference and decided not to continue dating him let alone entertain thoughts of marriage. However back then I felt remaining a virgin had its good points.
The real and only good point to being a virgin? Really only one I can see, since you would only decide to have sex with someone you have developed strong feelings for, is that if you or he or both change your minds after a little while and realize you aren't the perfect match, that your heart will feel broken. Staying virgin is a good way to protect yourself from having your heart broken also by a guy who pretends to love you and want to marry you and only wants sex and betrays and uses you that way. Welcome to the real world. So remaining a virgin can only prevent being hurt like this before getting married. It doesn't guarantee what can and might actually happen after you get married dear.
So in the end, if you simply like the notion and custom of your culture to remain virgin because its what YOU want to still do, then that's great. But do not choose to follow this custom blindly simply because the culture has always done it....these are modern times and technology has changed all the original reasons for remaining virgin. So be honest with yourself as to what you want. If you do choose to become sexual with a man you think might be the one for life for you, then be prepared and get on birth control first, and make sure he uses condoms.
I will share this, after a divorce at 30 yrs with the ex, I wanted to finally find someone I was truly compatible with and experience real love. the ex said he was never in love with me either!?
So when I met my current husband, you bet I had sex with him before we married. I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. Just another perspective for you to think about, not trying to convince you either way, just the facts and some possibilities you may not have thought of.
good luck dear.
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Never give in to what others want for you,you have your own mind and standards so don't lower them.
Only a few girls like you follow that culture.Virginity should be given after marriage.Good for you!
Keep that standard.If you have a boyfriend and he wants you to give your virginity even though you don't want to don't.It just means he doesn't love you.He only LUSTS for you
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Don't give up your standards for yourself, for anyone. If you want to wait for marriage, then stick with that, and eventually you will find someone who will accept all of you, which includes your standards. I believe there is someone out there for everyone, so don't worry about never finding someone or anything like that. I definitely understand where you're coming from, though. I know how it is to talk to guys, and I am trying myself to push myself out of my comfort zone and talk to guys more. It's a work in progress, and I believe it could happen for anyone.
I hope this helps~
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