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When a guy says he doesn't want anything serious?
when a guy pursues you and tells you he doesn't want anything serious at the moment, how would you take that? I've known this amazing guy since 2007. He tells me that he really cares about me, holds my hands. spends time with me and shows affection. He acts like we're in a serious relationship? He's been there for me when I've went through things in my life. But he tells me he doesn't want anything serious. I can't imagine my life without him.
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he is trying to tell you that he wants to keep exploring his options and connect with other girls besides you . He Obviously has some sort of feelings for you because he shows it. but he might be in a position where:
1. He might not trust himself
2. there is more than one girl he is pursuing and he cant decide.
3. he doesn't feel you deserve his devotion ( your not trying hard enough)
4. he is afraid of commitment and having rules that he needs to follow in a relationship. for example: not hanging out with other girls.
truthfully he might feel your pretty, nice, trustworthy, good in bed, and honest to him. but ,those emotional sparks are just not there for him and he doesn't want to get serious with someone that even though they give him everything , they don't emotionally have a spark with him that he wants to feel. so he is only going to go so far with you I am sorry.
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It sounds to me like he's having his cake and eating it... although you might not realize or want to admit it, he's kind of stringing you along a bit.
You clearly think the world of him, and he probably knows this and is getting all the home comforts of a girlfriend without having to give any commitment,
He states 'doesn't want anything serious at the moment' which would indicate he could be like this for a while or until someone who takes his fancy comes along?
You shouldn't have to wait in line while someone decides if they want a serious relationship with you, and you should value yourself a lot more than to wait around for something that may not happen.
If this person means a lot more to you, than you do to them then I think you should have an open conversation with him and make your feelings and intentions very clear to him and depending on how he responds, you should make some decisions from there--- if he doesn't want to lose you and sees your relationship developing then you've got the answers and maybe he was testing the waters and seeing what you thought- he might have been too nervous to dive right in and played it cool.
However if after hearing how much you feel for him in a romantic way, he still says it's not something he wants 'now/right now' then you need to, for the sake of your heart and sanity, start moving on because it's not fair on you to be left hanging.
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I'm as baffled as you. Its one thing if a guy doesnt know the girl from before and just meets and starts dating, and says this. It then means he's only spending enough time to get to know her well enough to decide if this is someone he wants to commit to for long term or life long or not. If not, he then breaks if off, moving on.
In your case, there's lots of signs that he doe indeed have feelings for you and wants to continue to see you. So if he has in his own mind some reasons for not wanting to commit to you for long term, then thats why he would say he doesnt want anything serious.
As to what thoughts are in his head or what past experiences are keeping him from continuing on, only he knows. Possibly you can find out in time if he's comfortable enough with you and trusts you enough to not think his reasons odd or strange. Once confessed, then comes the stage of healing for him to get beyond what is holding him back and you may be able to be a catalyst for that. He knows you long enough to be able to trust you, so I would think it reasonable to ask questions of him. If he gives you an answer that you don't understand as in this case with "I dont want anything serious." dont assume you know what it means or guess at it in your head or just wonder forever what it meant. You have to ask as in, "I'm not sure why you would say such a thing when the way you act and treat me speak a different message. Could you please explain why it is that you even state such a thing to me?
Or
"I really don't understand what you are saying. Would you mind explaining?" If he is close mouthed or answers with No's. Then you can follow with, "I like you intensely too, so much I can see myself in a future with you but you cant or won't allow yourself to see yourself in a future with me. You may have a reason , you may not even know why. If you have a reason, I deserve to know what makes you so skittish. I want to be able to help you dissolve your fears or reservations if you'll let me. If you don't have a clue, I hope you spend some time doing inner reflecting and being truthful with yourself. I would rather choose you, but if you make yourself unavailable to me for a life long commitment, then the next good prospect of a guy that walks into my life will get me instead. I can't work with you on this if you don't let me. And I won't force you. So you have to make the moves here. If not, I will at some point go looking elsewhere for the love of my life.
You may not want to add that ultimatum because then you'd have to carry through on it if the worst happens and he is too hurt or damaged or thinking too negatively to think theres a future for him with you.
Read enough romance novels and you'll get a myriad of reasons why one person stupidly holds themselves back from moving forward with some they care deeply about or love. In talking to others, I've found these novels have the true reason humans hold back from commitment. It can be as crazy as "All relationships fail eventually so why even bother going there. My grandparents divorced, so did my parents, and so will I if I marry or make a commitment." It is fear of failure operating and it faulty negative thinking. Sometimes it only takes the perspective of the truth spoken by someoone once to make them realzie they were wrong. More often it takes some short term counseling to deal with this.
Another crazy reason is:"I'm not right for you. I don't want to end up tainting you with my past of wrong doing and such by getting into a relationship with you." Here the person doesn't feel worthy of you, having something bad in their past even though they have changed. They may feel that if a prospective partner were to learn the truth of what they used to do, that they would want nothing to do with them. Like driving drunk as a teen and injuring or killing the other driver. Even though having learned from their mistakes and now an upstanding citizen, they still deal with guilt and fear of distain of any girlfriend who discovers their past.
They may have another hidden secret, mental illness in family members, and afraid of passing it on, or perhaps are bi sexual, gender fluid, cross dressers in secret so rather than get rejected over it, they chose not to get serious in the first place to protect their tender heart.
Some have bitterness over past girlfriends rejections and never recovered and now assume everyone will treat them the same.
The human mind plays lots of crazy games with us like this and facing his fears or whatever makes him hesistate is the only way of making the first step to get beyond it. If you're unable to get him to do so, perhaps a counselor can but he has to be willing to go and see that he does have a problem he needs help with or it wont work.
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