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My parents treat me like a child
I am a 21 year old female university student and my parents really just won't leave me alone! I have a curfew of 12 o clock according to them, but if I ever go out they send me messages and call constantly asking when I'll be back, well before 12. I suppose the motivation behind this question goes back to an hour ago, I asked permission to go to the mall with my friends and my father said no that its too dangerous. I've spoken to them many times about this and at the time they agree that I would have some space but they never follow through. This is making me really miserable, and I just want them to understand that I'm an adult and want to have my own life. What could I do to make them let go?
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I think you should talk to them about being less involved in your life. You should show them that you can take care of yourself. they are most likely only afraid of losing there little girl, and I'm sure that deep down inside your scared to live on your own and be without your parents. I think you should meet them half way. Talk to them and Good Luck!
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Some parents believe in an old rule that says; "If you live under my roof you live by my rules." It is a good rule and it does have its' place though it is not meant to smother someone that is a full blown adult such as you. One reason parents impose this rule and get away with it is for people like you who may not be able to live on their own and who they may be supporting through college; more so if mom and dad are paying for college. This still does not make it right. As A parent myself I have gone through this with my son when he was in college.
What I asked of him is to be respectful of us. In that as long as he lived under our roof to let us know things such as when will he be home and if he is going to be delayed to call. Why would or did we ask this. Because he is our son and while he is living with us we would and di worry if he wasn't home when he said he would be; just like when he was younger. When he finally did leave home we still worry about him and always will though it is a different type of worry. IN fact the table have now turned as he gets upset if he doesn't know where we are so know we text him when we go out and when we return.
Other things we asked of him was not to make any extra work for his mother. To keep his room neat; to respect our things and if he makes a mess to clean up after himself. In general just be a respectful adult really not too much to ask.
When a child doesn't leave home or remains at home into adulthood that transition from child to adult is missing, especially for parents. For a daughter it is a harder thing to cut the apron strings for in the eyes of most fathers a daughter will always be his little girl even when she is all grown up and has children of her own.
What you need to do is to sit your parents down and talk with them. You start by telling them how much you love them and appreciate everything they have done and are doing for you. Then you need to remind them you are 21 legally an adult who by law they can no longer protect. Not only do you have the legal right to make your own decisions it is time that you started to make your own way in the world as you will not live with them forever and you need to prepare yourself to be on your own. Doing so with the safety net of living with them is a great help but should not be as stifling as it has been.
You gone on to say that at 21 a curfew is inappropriate. Instead you will advise them of when you expect to return so they not needlessly worry. If you are going to be late you will call or text them.
Unless you are using their car it is not appropriate for some one of your age to ask permission to go someplace so you are no longer going to ask but you may advise them if so inclined. The reason you need permission if you are using their car is because you are using their car and you need their permission because you are 21 and need permission to use their car.
You are 21 and unless and until you stand up for yourself you parent will continue to smother you. You have to break the ties that bind or they will continue even after you move out.
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Yup i agree with dragonfly here, why would you ASK if its ok? your a full blown adult?
have they always just been really strict? If so your going to need to stand up to them and if in that moment where they agree to let you have some space where you can got out with your friends then when you attempt to go out, you could bring up that they said when you talked last that they would "ease up" a bit.
They may have this idea that they "own you" basically because they may be paying your way through school and your still living under their roof but the fact that your aging still doesnt change a thing and theres not anything anyone can do to control THAT and they need to back off a little bit.
You could also try leaving earlier in the evening so that theres no chance for them to SAY no because your already still gone.
unless they need your help because they are old and sickly, they dont need to be calling you repeatedly like that. Threaten to not answer the phone if their going to insist on harassing you while your out "running errands" and having a meal with your friends.
did they say no to going out because it was ALREADY late?? like "its too late to be going out now its like 101" ??
that AS A PARENT i could understand and would be concerned for my child going out that late although i would feel better if i knew she was with other trusted friends that wouldnt let anything bad happen to you. (((you can always mention that too))
If i were you i would move out though, sorry but it must be said. in my world your too old for this, and getting some roomates should be a definite goal here. If your parents threaten to cut off your funding for school then their being selfish and dont care about you in reality and their just using this as a tool to control you longer. which isnt fair.
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You ASKED them for permission to go to the Mall? Why on earth at age 21 would you do that? There must be something you left out such as the parents are sickly and require an in home caregiver and you are it. Otherwise, you are an adult and can make such choices for yourself, even if you live with them. If you think you can be strong enough and have enough backbone to stand up to them, then have a talk with them and let them know how its going to be from now on.
Parents can get stuck in a rut, unable to leave behind the 'parenting' mode when their children reach adulthood. It's even harder if you're the only child or the last one at home and they are trying to stall having the 'empty nest' at home. Parents can still have input into their childrens lives, acting as advisors, a sounding board, but they no longer have any say over you unless you give it to them, which my dear, you have been doing whether you're aware of it or not.
So beware, they may throw their own equivalent of tantrums because you have 'spoiled them rotten' by catering to all their wishes when you assert your own choice as an adult. If they won't listen to reason at this point, your only choice will be to leave home and find roommates to share the cost. If you stay at their home, they will continue to fall back into old patterns and try to parent you. The worst possible case is that they give you an ultimatum of doing as they wish and abiding by their rules or else they kick you out of the house, in which case you'd need to find yourself your own place to have the peace of mind again and begin to learn to be an adult making your own choices rather than inadvertently giving your choices away to someone else. Its a good thing for you to learn now so you don't end up marrying a man who begins to control your life. That would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Good luck dear.
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