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Boyfriend, snapchat, and ex-girlfriend
22/f, 28/m
My boyfriend has proven himself disloyal and dishonest. We have been trying to rebuild trust and have been trying to make things work.
He has fixed what he has done wrong before: he got deleted his dating apps/websites, removed random girls he has randomly added in the past, etc. And he has been giving me a lot of reassurance telling me that he's all mine, he's not seeing, dating, or talking to anyone else, he only wants me, and for the past two months he has not done anything that I would not approve of.
For those who doesn't know what snapchat is: I don't have it, but from what I have heard. It's where people can follow you and when that person is being followed posts a picture, it can send it to a list of people/everyone that is following you on snapchat. But the thing is, it's a picture app and you only have about 5-10 seconds to see it before the picture disappears.
I went through my boyfriend's phone (please don't judge me on that), and one of the apps that were opened was snapchat, and his ex-girlfriend's name was on it. Obviously, the picture was gone but I became suspicious on why he was looking at her picture or why she would even send one.
So, I asked if he used snapchat. He says that he hardly uses it, but he does use it to follow people on it. He said he has never received or sent any nudes and that the only time he uses it is when he would like to post pictures that he wouldn't on facebook such as food, travel pictures, etc. For some reason, I'm having a hard time believing him. He told me that he has not spoken to his ex-girlfriend since December (the last time we argued over him lying to me about telling her that he missed her) and that he has been completely over his ex since early January.
Do I have anything to worry about? Should I just let it go? How can I trust him again? How should I approach this situation if I should talk to him about this?
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Of course you have something to worry about. I feel as if once a man proves his disloyalty " even if changed " that constant should I search his phone? Will he do so again stays? Which is deserved male or female.
I feel as if without trust you can't have a healthy relationship. You will most likely continue to stay this way. Unless you lay down the law. Which in most cases works but still a chance so keep an eye out.
But when you confront him don't let him hug you or say oh Im so sorry or let him avoid it or he won't be serious.
Now how to confront him
Whether he likes it or not be rude or he'll be laughing at you inside and do it again. Has a little kid when you were a teen ever yelled at you or threatened you? If so Im sure you weren't threatened or scared. Don't let your bf feel the same
How can you trust him?
Two answers you can't or time
It may take years of loyalty proving or maybe he isn't the right one
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I have the feeling that the two of you may not even have been dating long enough to really get to know each other, to have visible confirmation of his consistancies...the good ones. If a handful of months, it usually is not enough for most people to really learn who their partner is at core.
Deep down inside of all of us, at core there is a mixture of what we believe in, our morals, what we stand for, what we are supportive of, etc.... that will spur us to act a certain way in life. this is what's called our true nature. People can attempt to hide the not so good parts of their true nature but it will always find ways to make itself known in little, sometimes subtle ways. You have had a glimpse of some so I would dare say, either he is not mature enough to realize how to treat a partner in a relationship and out of naivity he is making mistakes of inexperience or he has shown you a portion of his true nature and since people don't just change overnight or in a months time or so, (usually takes years or a lifetime) you'd have to be okay with him being just as he is, no improvement. Since this man is 28, he's had enough time to figure out basics of relationships and that women want to be the only one he gives his attention and love too, not others on social websites or in person.
Sometimes, a womans intuition or subconscious picks up on some of these things and thats why she can't trust him and knows she never really will. That's reason to break up. Or the woman herself has a string of failed relationships because she has a problem for whatever her own reason not being able to trust even the most trustworthy people.
As Razhie said, the fact you felt you had to check his phone is a sign that you can't trust him whether he's innocent or not. Even if innocent, something is missing in how he builds you up, supports you and communicates with you. Also I would guess in communicating, he seldom compliments or tells you how special you really are...at random times, not only when he is trying to prove he's done nothing wrong on social sites. I'm on a 2nd marriage and this guy has from the beginning told me every day something to confirm in me that he has only eyes for me. One day he'll comment on how he loves my sense of humor, another, how having me with him while doing mundane things makes life more exciting and fun, how I have the exact shape and looks that he finds attractive, How another woman with the same shape and looks is not attractive because we observe other people together and he points out that she is maybe the same on the outside but could never match the person I AM on the inside. He affirms that he is attracted to the whole package, me on the inside and outside. I hear often 'i love you', or 'I couldnt keep my eyes off your chest in that shirt today, etc... the confirmations continue on and on and there's something said every day. A drunk hostess once asked him to dance, well, sort of, she grabbed his hands and pulled on him. I know he cant stand dancing and that he didn't even have much respect for her as a person and I laughed at his discomfort knowing that whatever she tried with him while dancing to catch his interest would never work in a million years. He's mine and I know it, know it so securely that other women can talk to him, flirt, and I am still the one he is in love with and wants to be in bed with every night. I hope you can find the guy that inspires that confidence in you. Sounds like this guy doesn't.
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If you are dedicated to working on this relationship, you should probably let this go.
You know he's been dishonest in the past, so sure, there is 'something' to worry about, but probably not this thing. He's explanation is utterly reasonable.
If you want a healthy relationship, you are going to need to trust him. If you can't trust him on this, then this is probably not the right relationship for you. Frankly, if you can't trust him without checking his phone, that is also a sign this isn't the right relationship for you.
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It's normal that you have trouble trusting someone after they have betrayed your trust. It should have said when the time was of the last snapchat that she sent, if not, it was probably from a while ago. You could look into it some more? And ask some more about it? I personally don't see how you (anyone) could trust someone after they do something like that, but maybe he could be telling the truth. You should probably confront him about it if it really bothers you.
Hope this helps~
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