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Still heartbroken...all over again
22/f
My ex and I broke up nearly a year ago. Before that, we were dating for 3 years and best friends for 2. I was insanely depressed when we broke up - I couldn't sleep for a month, slept too much for another, and hardly ate for 2 or 3 months. I didn't start feeling better for a really long time, and when I did, he came back into my life. He said he missed his best friend and still wanted us to stay in each other's lives.
In trying to be friends, one thing led to another and you could say we became friends with benefits. I was fine with that; I wasn't trying to get him back or anything. After a while though I realized I couldn't keep doing that. I still had (have) intense feelings for him. So we stopped.
I just found out he has a new girlfriend. She's absolutely gorgeous, and seems to have a lot more in common with him than I ever did (one of the many reasons we called it quits). I'm trying to stay rational and think that she's great for him, and I should be happy that he's happy - or at least, not be bitter. But it stings...really bad. I feel so stupid for being his plaything while he found someone better for him...and for still being in love with him.
It's currently 7:56am and I've been awake for 3 hours. That's after not being able to fall asleep until past 2am. I can't expect it not to hurt but I'm terrified of falling back into the depression I felt a year ago. The sleepless nights have apparently already started and I've been throwing up a lot ever since I found out (not intentionally l; I just literally feel sick to my stomach).
I know everyone says "focus on yourself, find someone better, stop thinking about him, forget he exists, etc" but it's ridiculously difficult to see past all this to get to that. Keep in mind, it's been about a year. And I'm still in the same place I was when it first happened. Any way I can avoid having this hurt to bad? Or am I really gonna be forced to feel it out until the end
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It sounds like you may have been best of friends but that maybe you didn't have enough chemistry to be sexually compatible. This doesnt reflect bad on you or him since it has nothing to do with something either did wrong or lacking doing. It's a matter of having the right pheremone connection and that is what causes the sex beyond mere attraction to actually be out of this world or just enough to barely take care of the horniness for some and for others not at all. So you weren't the best match for him but you will be for someone else. Since you gave it two good trys and it didn't work but he found someone who is a great match for him, you feel left out and want the same while at same time missing him cus thats all you know..you don't know anything better than that in relationships but girl, ya gotta trust me, it can be way the hell better when you find the right one for you. Yes, there is no person without their faults however their faults shouldn't be something that harms you or hurts or disrepects you. If so, and you're best of friends and also sexually compatible, then you've found a keeper. So how to find that? You may not feel ready yet. But amazingly, when you do find Mr Right, your mind begins to think less of your past and only focuses on what you have right now if its good. Since I don't know when you'll be ready, I'll share my instructions for how to find the best match for you, right now. Here goes dear:
How to determine someone is a good match for you
Dating is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in one or both people that would harm the partner emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up. Dating in the beginning should be more of an investigative process, to learn about the other, not to become instant bf/gf and date socially until something breaks you up.
After a divorce when starting my search again, I believe my Angels gave me this idea, and it worked. I found it most helpful. You will make two lists. I choose to call it a list of criteria for finding the right partner/mate because that's exactly what it is. So here's the tool you use to help you in determining if someone is a good match for you.
You will make two lists. The first most crucial one is a list of Must Haves. A 'must have' for you is something which if it doesn't apply to this other person, then that's a deal breaker, you don't date or get into relationship with them. Very important serious stuff here. So how do you know what to put on the list? Think of things that are very important to you in life, things that no one can sway your mind to a different viewpoint and importance in your life. Major issues seem to hinge on topics such as religion/beliefs, sexuality and children. Here's an example of what I am talking about. Even tho a person wanting to date isn't ready to have kids yet for 5-8 years, they know they do want children someday, their own or adopted is another concern. If one does not ever want kids and can't be swayed to change their mind, even if in love, then that is a deal breaker and must be on the list. Not to sound shallow, but the wanna be stay at home mom will never be happy if she must compromise that dream when the kids are little because the guy doesn't earn enough to support both. If she isn't flexible enough to be able to deal with reality and uncertainties of life, she could have emotional issues for being forced to work or he with her staying home and not able to meet the budget and fighting ensues. Why take a chance that something might go wrong in the future, long after your heart has fallen in love?
Finding ones best friend and sexual equal should be top priorities and whatever pertains to that in which you have specific requirements had better be on your list. You want a mate who likes to travel an incredible amount but she is a home body, no match. You may coax her on one vacation a year but more she'll be miserable, and it becomes a battle. You have a high libido. Spell out what you want. If its sex once a day, you better be sure before you even get to the point of being ready to try sex whether she also has a high libido or she thinks thats over kill and once a week or twice a month is reasonable. I hope you understand the importance of a list of Must haves. I had about 5-7 if I remember right.
Next list is a list of Wants, and a want is like the frosting on the cake, it is not a deal breaker, and you can live happily without it but here's where you might think about others who do meet this or admire others who do. That's okay. I have great memories of past guys who loved to dance as I do. It was on my list as was a guy with long hair and much more. I didnt get the dancer but I got long hair. You will only need to use the lists of wants if by some miracle you find two or even 3 people who meet all your criteria of must haves, and need something else to determine which one to choose, you go for the one who meets most of them. In my case, the man I married met all my 'must haves' but no one else did, however he met half of my wants list. So I am very happy and in my mind, I have sorted out that it is okay that he never will meet the other half of my list of wants.
A person who knows what they want, and won't back down under harrassment, won't settle for less and isn't afraid to tell others what they are looking for in a mate, is going to come across as confident to others and that is an attractive trait in people and will draw the right one to you. I didn't find my right one instantly though. Many sounded great because they lied or didn't understand their own needs and wants well and once I met them and got to know them better, saw they were not a match for me according to my criteria. Hope this helps you.
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Falling in love with somebody could be so easy and feel so good, but falling out of love with somebody is even more difficult and hurts so much more and may feel so terrible. Don't let anyone rush you into moving on. One day you will want to put yourself back out there and that doesn't have to be soon. Being friends with benefits with somebody is so dangerous. The benefits comes along with that physical connection which could cause emotional connection to occur. It's mostly the girl who expresses that emotional connection or feels that connections because us girls are sensitive. We want to be able to have one night stands or not have to fall for somebody, but we aren't wired that way. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this pain. If you need to talk, e-mail me at theonenonlyandie@aol.com
Good luck!
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You're definitely not going to feel like this for ever. It just takes time. You will move on eventually and find the person you're meant to be with. I know what people say might seem ridiculous, but it really is up to you how your life goes and how your happy ending turns out. Just go with life and do things you enjoy like see the world or party with friends a lot or aim for success. Those symptoms sound pretty serious, and I suggest if it gets like that again, to seak help I'm therapy or medication. (There is all natural meds, too) but try to distract yourself with things you like, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Hope this helps~
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