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I love my BF, but I can't stop cheating.
I'm a 27 year old gay male. He's 34, also gay male. We live apart in the same city. We mostly see one another on weekends, even though he works just two blocks from my apartment. Truly, I love him and don't want to hurt him. I know this is bad for me, and for him, even if he never finds out. I don't want to continue these patterns of behavior, but can't manage quitting them, and don't have people in my life I trust to confide in. I have been trying to stop cheating for over a year now, but I end up giving in about every 2-3 months by having a one night stand on a gay dating app or website. I feel awful afterward, delete any profile or email or pictures I used, and vow that this time was the last time and that I won't ever do it again. But eventually I do, and the cycle repeats. I don't trust myself anymore after seeing failure after failure. This is so unfair to him and so wrong. I fear if I told him the truth that I would lose him, and that's the last thing I want, but it's not right to keep on like this, even though I really do want to stop. If I break up with him (for his own sake), I would still have that problem with someone else down the road, so breaking up won't really fix anything in me, and I would lose him.
I've questioned myself a lot about why I cheat. Here are a few factors that I feel contribute to my tendency toward infidelity. I have a higher sex drive in general, than he does, and feel bad initiating sex when he isn't interested. His lower drive is at least partly due to his psych medications, so there is little we can do to fix that. We have limited time together, so it makes it that much more frustrating when sex doesn't happen during our weekends at his place. Sex is great when we have it, and I like being intimate with him as a person, not just the physical pleasure aspect, but certainly that too. He also does not "bottom" for me, mostly for health reasons complicated by his medications. I like both sexual roles equally, so it can be frustrating not being able to fully express myself in those ways in the bedroom. I accepted this after a lot of talking with him about it and trying things to help him feel more comfortable, but then gave up many months later and tried to move on and be happy as exclusively the "bottom" in bed. Don't get me wrong, I like that, but I like to "top" just as much, and it feels like something is missing never getting to have sex that way. We have a good relationship outside of the bedroom and love each other very much, but my sexual interests and urges keep drawing me away to other outlets to satisfy them. I feel like I should be able to control myself, but I apparently I can't because I've been trying for so long to stay away from casual sex outside the relationship, but keep failing. Not being together all the time also makes it hard to be as spontaneous or frequent about sex. I hesitate about moving in with him because I fear my infidelity could continue - despite my best best intentions - but living with him would give me much less opportunity to seek out sex outside the relationship, and more opportunity to enjoy sex inside the relationship. What should I do?
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Maybe your not meant to be in a steady relationship right at the moment. You can only see him on weekends, so you have a strong desire to be with someone and its causing you to grow weak and download those dating apps. I don't think you would have any trouble whatsoever staying in a steady relationship if you could see each other regularly, but you can't and you want someone to fill the other days of the week. This may seem a little drastic, but maybe you should get couciling and see if the councilar can help you stay with him. I think your desires are getting the best of you, so it causes you to hook up with someone else.
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You are facing the same issue that tears apart relationships of hetero's, they may be best friends, have that emotional bond and love each other but are mismatched sexually. A couple needs the chemistry to be equal in friendship and sexually for it to work, no different for gays.
Consider that most gays are also monogamous like hetero's.
Either the two of you come to a compromise that can be worked out where you find your needs being met, or as painful as it is to part, it is the more loving thing to do for each other. Its no fair to expect him to ever have your sex drive and participate equally in an exchange of what things you do. It's also not fair of him if he knew how you felt, to expect you to not have some other outlet to take care of your sexual needs or to be happy settling for less. Whenever we change something about who we are at core to match a partner or their wishes, the one changing or denying something to themselves becomes very unhappy and that can continue over years to lead to others things that affect you mentally, emotionally or physically.
SO it's probably best to tell him that you love him but that you are not fulfilled sexually and you understand that medication affects him. But you are tempted to go find your needs met by other men and you don't want to hurt him. As odd as it may seem, you could ask his permission to have a lover on the side. Hetero couples have had open marriages, done swapping or tried polyamory to meet their needs. Sometimes it works. The issue is jealousy. It is no longer cheating if a partner gives their permission. I could some adults where the husband couldn't perform at all and was on lots of medications. the Wife wasn't getting hardly any of her sexual needs met and out of love these guys gave their okay for the wife to have a lover. In fact, I know a couple where the wife had severe fibromalygia pain and never wanted sex ever. He finally said he was too much in love to ever leave her, she has his support and love forever, it won't change but he asked for her blessing to take on a lover. And I know its worked for him. How do I know all this personal stuff? The people who know me know i am very open minded and also have no problem discussing sex and such. The man actually asked for my advice and i am glad he found it she had a physical problem he wasn't aware of. shE never said a word before except no to sex.
So dicussing this, getting it out in the open is the best thing. Either you'll find a way to move forward or not.
As a last resort, You might decide to try for an online lover if he is agreeable to that. Many people usually older 40's and up is the majority in the game but look up Second Life, its a very realistic simulation game with people creating avatars and interacting with other people. You can act out all your sexual needs in SL or experience role play in the wild west, in medieval times, be a vampire, werewolf, etc...or yourself. Yes there is sex in the game with sims made for that, and gays and hetero's and all inbetween acting out their desires or exploring parts of themselves they are afraid to do in real life. Its a big learning curve at first but i'd say in a month you could probably master it. Younger people figure out that kind of pc avi world stuff faster than me in my 50's. If this seems like a plausible outlet for you, then mention it and see how it goes. If he says no to SL or live lover, he's never going to be able to be what you need sexually, so either you settle for less and don't cheat, or find a relationship where you and he are not only best of friends but each others sexual equals. good luck.
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I get that you love him, but if you do, then do the right thing. I think you should either break it off, or tell him the truth, and see if there is a small possibility he will stay with you. Either way, I think that you can't work on cheating problems, In a relationship, because you are hurting the other person while trying to work out your own issues. If you're going to work on your cheating problem, you should do it single, so that you're not effecting anyone else in the process, and that way you won't even be cheating. Once you can get yourself to stop having these one night stands for a long period of time, then you can start thinking about a relationship, and who knows, maybe your boyfriend will take you back then or something. You said that you can't imagine not doing it, and that is not a good sign. Put your boyfriend first and do him the decency of at least breaking up, or telling him the truth, for his sake. There are also sex addiction classes if you need it.
Hope this helps~
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