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death/hate my family
My dad died last week and I do not get along with my family, and this is something I've accepted for years now. From the outside, we looked like the perfect family, and everyone thinks I'm the sweetest, nicest, most perfect daughter. But in reality, I am the emotionally out of control black sheep in my family. I've never felt truly understood by them. At times in which I've felt suicidal throughout my life, they weren't there for me emotionally.Everyone keeps telling me how highly my dad spoke of me and how much he loved me, but all I can remember are our fights and horrible, hateful words toward each other, that most people who "know us so well" could never imagine. The two of us have had a very distant relationship since I'm 11 or 12. Now I'm 22. I have wonderful friends, thank god, who make me feel amazing but they live very far away. I feel totally and completely alone right now. Anyone who says things like, "blood is thicker than water.." and "family is everything" clearly can't know where I'm coming from, because honestly the most loving supportive people in my life are friends and teachers. Thankfully, I will be away from home next year. What can I do cope with this until then?
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I can understand where you are coming from. My family isn't someone I've ever been able to talk to either. My friends live half an hour away from me and I'm homeschool, so am never around anyone even close to my age. I don't know if you are already doing this, but it may help getting a part time job or something. It keeps your mind off things, and sometimes helps work off any sadness or stress, and maybe when that someone shows you the ropes, you can speak with that person and maybe have someone else you can talk to about your troubles. You could try to get to know the other employees, and it helps to be with people who may become your friends instead of people who are always pretending to be the perfect family. I hope this helps!
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First my condolences on your loss.
I'm a little confused at what I'm reading. I see lot of anger here. Anger is one of the five stages of grief which is why I'm confused. Are you angry over losing your father or are you just plain angry at you family for the way you feel they have treated you.
I never got along with my father as he blamed me for whatever was wrong in his life. Nothing I could do about it except keep my distance from him when I realized there was nothing I could do about it. When he passed I did not suffer grief I was relieved.
You are right about "blood is being thicker than water" though it does not mean what you think it means. Good or bad they are your family and we do not get to choose them, it also does not mean we have to like them or even love them and I may just know a little about where you are coming from.
This all may straighten out in a year when you are away from them but that is too long to wait. Your friends are too far away to lean on for support. What you need is someone to lean on, who will support you, who will help you find the root cause of your anger, you may not realize the root cause, and help you channel it properly or it will follow you for the rest of your life.
The person best capable to do this for you and with you is a psychologist. If you are covered under moms health insurance or her employer has an EAP program you can see a psychologist under both programs. The psychologist is a person who can become that best friend you can tell your deepest secrets to confident that no one will ever hear them. With the help of the psychologist you will learn how to deal with your family and channel these feelings you have in a more constructive manner so that you don't feel as the "emotionally out of control black sheep in my family."
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Hi there. As a matter of fact, despite what you say I would suggest that you are actually very much IN control of your emotions. You've processed and accepted the situation within YOUR family (which is, as you also point out, the only one that actually matters and not a subject for cliches and/or the matter of things might appear from the outside). Dealing with death of people we are close to (and you HAVE been close in many ways, it's unavoidable) is of course never an easy matter. There's a lot of feelings flying around. Some you wish you might have worked harder to resolve, some you might have wished to have resolved differently. There'll be some unique stuff, and it will through plenty of existing stuff into sharp relief, lend a new perspective...and so on. Despite the fact that your relationship with him was far from what you might have wanted, you are not going to be able to process his death as though it was reading of the death of a celebrity or various public figure (who you have no direct connection with) in a newspaper. You're going to have to 'process' the loss and all it's entailments in some way, whether you want to or not. Your coping mechanism will undoubtedly centre around these good friends and acquaintances you mention. You don't specifically mention your mum or other family members, but don't shut THEM out if you can help it. They'll be grieving in their own ways. Perhaps you could try to be the 'supportive friend' to them? We cannot have 'too much' empathy and understanding in our character. They're good things to develop. It'll be a transitional and turbulent time for all, and as you say, there is a definite cut-off point for you when you leave. So use the time to help ensure that when you physically distance yourself you don't take too much unresolved 'emotional baggage' with you. At 22 you're an adult. It should be possible to reach amicable terms. That essential 'acceptance' (what a huge statement it is to truly be able to say we have reached that point??) which allows us to truly 'move on' without either longing for 'what might have been' or resenting what actually happened. Look inside yourself for these answers. Condolences, and also my VERY best wishes for YOUR future. I guess what I'm saying is that there IS a loss to be processed. There will be a sense of 'grieving' (if not in the 'traditional' way, as we might say). If you simply push these emotions down, and do not acknowledge and process them, if you leave them unresolved, then they'll almost certainly 'pop up' and manifest themselves in some way, at some time in the future. Let yourself 'grieve' in some sense. And deny them this opportunity. X
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I see where you're coming from, and you're right. Sometimes the best relationships we have in are lives are not blood related. You have to keep your chin up and don't give up until you can get out of your house, and then you don't have to see those people as much, or anymore if you like. You could always just try avoiding them and not be around them as much as possible, and just detach yourself and ignore the irrelevant things they say to you. I know you can feel alone sometimes, but you never are. You have your friends, and I am always here for you, if you need it. Try to stay positive and focus on taking care of yourself, and focus on the little simple, but nice things in life, like things that make you happy and such. You are your most important priority, and your family don't deserve the time of day if they can't treat you accordingly.
Hope this helps~
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