|
don't know how much more I can take
I am 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and moved to graduate housing at my university. before i begin, i just want to give a brief description of my family. they are extremely controlling. my mother is absolutely nuts. she is a narcissist and i can tell you that she has ruined my life. both my parents are the most irresponsible people i have ever met in my life and how someone gave them a child is beyond me. i was adopted at birth. all of the paperwork and everything was set up before i was even born. she confessed to me that the reason the adoption finally went through is because she called continuously and harassed them until they gave her the child. i would like to meet the social worker who ruined my life. at this point in my life, i love them because hey are my parents. but, i don't LIKE them as people. i know it's hard for some people to understand. some of you have already read some of the things that i've written, but i will write it again for those who didn't. i need to add a couple more things that happened this weekend.
basically, my mom plays a great actress when she pretends that she wants what is best for me. she doesn't. she wants whatever makes her look good or has money. i am a person of great faith (i am just angry right now). i always thought that the reason that she didn't like my current boyfriend is because we don't share that same faith (we were already together before my conversion) and because she thinks that he didn't have money. She said that he "lacks drive" and just isn't her type. I get that she doesn't like him, but she threatened me several times. She said that if I stayed with him, I could just think of her as dead. You think that might solve the problem if she was just out of the picture, but that isn't true. her threat is just that... a threat... what it really means is that she will make my life miserable. she doesn't mean that she will stay out of my life... but rather, that she will stalk, harass, show up at my door. she even threatened that she was going to beat him up. everyone says to call the police. but, seriously, the police isn't going to do anything about a verbal threat. he has also threatened her because he got angry. so, both of them would be in trouble. i basically told my mom that we broke up, which isn't true. but, it got her off my case. she has been harassing me and harassing me about finding a new boyfriend. she says that she wants to live to see her grandchildren. so, i basically told her that there was a guy from class that i thought was cute, just to get her off my back. at first, she saw a picture of him and she said he was ugly and "forbid" me from seeing him. Then, a few weeks later, she was pretty much telling me that i better knock on his door and throw myself at him. I told her my "concerns" about him were that we didn't share the same strong beliefs and that he was poor ( i just wanted to see what she would say, since that was her gripe about my bf). She said it didn't matter because he was "hot."
The other day, I came back from church and told her I had seen a friend. She asked me if he was cute (the only thing she thinks about is hooking me up with a guy). I told her who it was. I'm here thinking that she would think that this was the perfect guy. The reason I am doing this, by the way is because I'm trying to test what it is she would want from me. what is her ideal vision for my life that I could have for her to leave me alone. this guy is a little bit older, makes a lot of money, we met at church. i was like... she's has to give a positive review. She threw everything on the floor and almost started punching me. she said she forbids me to ever see him and that he's not allowed in the house ever. so, i got in my car, and drove an hour back to my dorm because i said that this is not home if i can't even bring a friend here. additionally, i would like to add that this person has been a great friend. like, he has gone above and beyond what it means to be a friend and if i were a mother and witnessed that, i would be writing thank you notes instead of forbidding the person in the house. i told her that i wasn't angry about her not liking him. i really could not care less. what I'm angry about is the way that she treated me with a lack of respect. till today, she continues to call me to tell me that i am wrong and try to get me to see things from her point of view.
there is nothing to see. she doesn't want what is best for me. her judgement is clouded. however, she continues to control me because i'm living on campus, not in my own apartment. realistically, no matter how much is say i won't speak to her again, she weaves her way into my life. my entire family takes her side because she is "unwell" and i should "know better." they will come to my door and call the police if i chose not to answer. my mom will put herself in an institution just to make it more dramatic. and everyone will say i'm evil. they already do. apparently, i'm the cause of everyone's misfortune.
when my mom has been out of money... since she decided not to work for 20 years. the solution was to steal my identity. even before i turned 18, i had a ton of debt because she used it up. that debt was deleted, but no legal action was taken and no apology was issued. before i came to the faith, my family was involved in the occult. when my 17 year old boyfriend broke up with me, my mom's idea of making me feel so much better was taking me to a warlock who sexually abused me. when i have brought it up to her, she said that she was just trying to make me feel better. i told her that a mother is suppose to build up a child's self esteem, not make them want back a guy that did so much harm to them. she told my cousin about the incident and then they both laughed about it.... i don't think it's funny. and i hate when people say "it could be worse." Everything could be worse. try telling that to a child who was sitting there afraid, being sexually abused and people laughing about. i finally told my dad about it and he said he was angry at both of us. I was just a child and I made that very clear to him. he said my mom has always been very smart and he doesn't know what happened. by the way, my parents are divorced.
most of all, i feel like my dad is a coward who left me with this lady so that he could get away from her. then, everyone just tells me that she is my mom and wants what is best for me because she loves me. she does not love me. she is obsessed with me and thinks that i'm her little barbie doll. if she really did care about me, she would be trying to direct me towards a guy like the third one I mentioned. She would treat me with respect and not throw things at me and people have to stop her from punching me in the face. if she cared about me, she wouldn't steal my identity to buy clothes and then think it's justified because some of the clothes were for me. she wouldn't be laughing about happened to me. i was a victim. i'm so angry at both of them. they could take them to jail, fine them, put a restraining order on them... but honestly, they don't see what they have done wrong. that is what gets me angry. i feel like i am owed an apology. if i can't get that, i feel like i need validation from a jury... someone. i feel so alone. please help.
now, about her being irresponsible
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Don't worry often, same sittuation here. My dad sent me here.you are not alone. Make friends.
]
Well, no one's ever stood up to your Mom. It started with her harassing the social worker until they finally gave her what she wanted just to be rid of her. I'll wager she's been doing this sort of thing since she was a child or teen. She's learned that harassing a person enough will get her what she wants so its natural she does it with you. It's almost 100% likely that your mother has some severe mental issues and should be under Drs care and then with these habits engrained, there's little to no chance of her improving enough before she dies to make life better. My ex husband was going to a counselor late in life and thats what the dR. Said, that all people are different in how they respond but for most human nature takes over, we all don't like change and tend to fight against it even if its for the better. So you'll have to pretty much count on them both never changing for the better. I know we all want family that love and care, support and uphold us. You still deserve that. You may do better to shut them out of your life until you have healed and feel and stronger individual, if you ever get to that point.
With my ex, I had a couple people tell me that it is not a selfish thing to put your needs first and take the steps to what is best for yourself. I was verbally abused by ex. Towards the end, he starting doing the pushing shoving and thats when I left and before doing so felt guilty until I was told I wasn't being selfish. In fact, I'll paraphrase a bible verse, the one about loving God with all of heart, mind, etc and your neighbor as yourself. We see the word neighbor shown before self and think we need to love them first. But it means the opposite actually, you can't love your fellow man and friends and family if you can't love yourself first. And one of the most loving things you can do for yourself hon, is to decide to no longer subject yourself to anything that hurts you or stresses you. that actually made sense to me when explained to me and is what caused me to take the steps necessary for my welfare and future. My own grown kids tell me I am such a different person now, so happy joyful and healthy etc...
It may be hard for you to shut them out and not have anything to do with them for a couple years. One thing that will help is having your own support network. When you marry, your husband will be one, he needs to know all of this in your psat so he can help protect you from them during the times you feel weak. I don't know what the possibility is of finding your birth parents and they may not want contact or not be nice people either. If you know the adoption agency, it couldn't hurt to go tell them what kind of people they adopted you out to, how since they're so toxic, you're not having anything to do with them and since there are no siblings or other family, you want them to give you contact info on your birth parents. For all you know, you may have some half siblings and family is important if you can build a good relationship and gain support there. If they say they cannot divulge that info. I myself might be tempted to say, "How long do I need to pester you before you get to your breaking point and tell me what I want to know." Fun thought but not practical. My husband and I collect people who feel more than friends, like family, siblings and cousins to us and to us they fill those needs as family without sharing blood.
Think of some older woman you look up to and feel comfortable with and adopt her as a mom if you feel like another child to her. Yes, its' possible. No legal adoption mind you, an adoption of the heart. You'll find that once some years have gone by with ZERO contact with the adoptive parents, that you'll begin to heal if you have your support network of friends who are better and more supportive than what you've had so far.
They may not care to know your past but with those you know you can trust this way, let them know what you've told us. That way you have their strength backing you up if you do choose to visit or talk to the parents. It's great to have someone else with you who can take over and say, I'll not allow you to treat my girfriend/wife/friend that way, so we are leaving and you won't see us again.
I hope you do decide to take what ever measures are needed to shut them out because the stress with eventually cause you to have emotional or actual physicla problems. I got sick all the time, some major stuff while with my ex. Our bodies aren't meant to take that kind of stress. You might consider getting counseling for all the trama of your past including Mom taking you to see a Warlock who raped you. She was just as responsible for you getting raped as he was. You were still under 18 so that was a crime punishable by law. I needed counseling after leaving ex with just verbal abuse...you've experienced so much more. We tend to instill self coping mechanisms to face each day while going through it but these aren't productive or necessarily healthy things to do. I had to dismantle my own coping mechanisms and needed a counselor for that. I am sure you'd benefit too.
I think I've covered everything I wanted to.
And lastly, be glad that you don't carry their genetics so you're not likely to have mental illness yourself unless your birth parents have it.
]
I am so sorry for what has happened to you. You mentioned that you were at least 18, so legally, your mom can't control you anymore, so make it clear to her what the law says. And try to get a job so when you get off campus you will have money to get your own place. If she stole your identy, you actually can go to the police because that is identy theft, which will most likely send her to jail. What she's doing is illegal, and she just let you be abused and laughed about it. Not quite sure what the punishment for that will be, but taking you to someone who abused you sexually, and then laughing about it and not doing anything to stop it, is not what a mother should do, and even though she's not the one who raped (or attempted rape) she can probably get in big trouble with the law for taking you there and not taking any action. i know you may not want to do this, because you would be putting your mother in jail, and on top of that, people will see you as a bad person, but it is illegal, and you really should take action. If you do this and need a place to stay, you can see about staying with a friend who understands and is trustworthy. I wish you the best of luck. God bless you👏
]
I believe I answered your previous letter. In my answer then I told you that you were legally an adult and your family could not do the things you wrote about then. They still cannot do them today.
You need to take control of your life. If your relatives tell you that if you do not come to see your mother in the hospital or wherever that they will knock down your door and drag you out by your hair. If you believe they are capable of doing so and fear for your life and safety? Then their threat meats the legal definition of "Assault" and they can be arrested. This is also sufficient cause to get a protection order against any of then you believe would be involved. Should any of them start pounding on your door you call 911 and tell the call taker you have an order of protection against someone who is pounding on your door? This makes the call a priority call and officers will be dispatched to arrest them for violation of the protection order.
As for the other things with your mom, they are her problem not yours. What you do is send her a letter. In it you say "Mom I am grateful you and dad adopted me and gave me the opportunities in life that you have." "I will always love you for that, right now I do not like you very much for the way you are acting towards me; those are your problems not mine." "I am an adult and I am fully responsible for my actions" "If you don't like my boyfriend’s that's your problem, you don't like the way I dress again that's your problem, what I eat, who I chose to see and where I chose to go are all up to be and not subject to your review or approval." ""You harassing phone calls and showing up at my dorm unannounced must STOP and stop now today." "If they don't I will take the following action, !) I will get an order of protection prohibiting you from coming anywhere on campus. 2) I will notify you phone companies of your using the phone to harass me and ask them to turn your phones off."
"I do love you and I don't wish to take these actions." "Realize I am 24 years old and no longer a child that you need to protect or have a right to control." I"I would dearly love to have a proper mother daughter relationship with you." "If you force me to I will take the actions stated without hesitation or regret, the choice is yours."
Use your own words of course but this is what you have to do to take back your life. It is a form of tuff love in reverse.
Good luck
]
More Questions: |