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my father has a wife and a kid in another country that he hasn't told me about.
My father has another wife and a kid in another country. He and my mom are not married but he comes over everyday for dinner when he's in the country which is most times and takes us out for dinner/vacations/everything a father does. He didn't tell me about this other wife and my sister. I found out on my own. I don't know what to do with it though. He's a great father. And I can't wrap my head around this. My mother knows but when she had me she didn't. He promised he'd marry her. But he didn't yet he still is around with her. He doesn't give her much money only when she really really needs it and even then its a loan. So she's not here for the money. Every weekend we go to his house and they don't sleep together they actually talk. Sometimes past midnight. So I'm guessing he loves her. But I can't fathom why he wouldn't marry her or divorce the other one. But I was hoping someone here can help me with it. I don't know what I should do with this information. What should I do with it? And also any ideas on why he's doing what he's doing?
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well part of this answer depends on how mature you are. If your parents dont think your mature enough to not grow instantly angry then i would say go ahead and just say something when your all hanging around at your house talking.
Say things like: i really would have liked to have been told about this sooner because if theres siblings of mine on this earth i want to know them and be apart of their lives because i care.
NOT: WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME!!! and cursing and ranting.
They also might not be prepared within themselves to answer certain questions you might have so if you DO let them know that you know about this, then maybe just say something like "i just want to let you know that i know and we dont have to get into detail about it all right now and we can talk about it more whenever your ready but eventually it should be addressed and ask if they are ok with that.
good luck
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The reason you probably didn't know about the other family even with your mother knowing, is mostly likely one of two reasons. 1: they were afraid on how you would look at them if you knew about him having another family, or 2: they just didn't know how to tell you. Being sixteen, they know you are old enough, but I'm sixteen too and I know sometimes we automatically think the worst without getting the whole story, and maybe they wanted to figure out to tell you in a way a teenager would understand. I can't say for sure whether or not he will leave his other wife and marry your mom, but if he truly loves her I'm sure he will. Maybe he just needs time, 'cause I'm sure he loves his other kid too, and it may take time so he can figure it all out. As for him paying for your stuff and not your mom, you did say that she has a good paying job. Maybe he doesn't make as much as her salary. He probably wants to pay for your stuff and schooling because he loves you and wants to be a good dad. Just give him some time and show him that you love him, and if he really loves your mom, he will marry her.
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In s perfect world, we would all be married to our best friend and have the chemistry for romance and sex. There's two needs to be met, the emotional needs that can be met with a best friend but the sexual ones with a lover. My husband is both to me. Sounds like your father loves her for their friendship together. Probably tried the sex part of it which resulted in you coming along but found after time it didn't get any better and were not the best match in that dept. I always recommend finding one person who can be both to you.
What yu do about it. Nothing. It's their life and theirs to choose to live out the best they see fit.
This doesnt make him any less your father and somewhere in the world, you have a half brother or sister. At 16 it msy mean nothing to you but when you are older, it means alot cus when your parents are dead, all you have left is siblings, half or full doesn't matter, plus your own husband and kids if any. If curious, ask him how you can get in touch with your sibling.
As to why he's still nice to Mom and visits, he may be a man like my husband. Mine is a person who does not callously drop off past relationships into oblivion. There will always be some tie to any person who isn't a toxic negative person to be around. He keeps in touch with his school buddies, any one who he adopts into his life as family, that means what ever friend he had with his buddies sisters, he didn't date but was good friends with, and there is an old girlfriend happily remarried who he seems to chat with twice a year approx to see how she is doing. He is in touch with his ex wife who is family and they have one adult daughter together. While I wouldn't naturally gravitate toward her as a friend, I have accepted her as family. tHere is no threat of her wanting him back, quite the opposite. they were not as great at sex but made great friends. THat part of the connection is still valid, he just couldn't be her husband. It was their mutual choice to part. It doesnt bother me at all. It's all part of what makes my husband the man he is, caring and willing to be there for me, listen and comfort when needed, etc. and he doesn't choose to turn it on for one person and off for another. Some who does that may just be putting on an act as it does not come up with deep within his core of who and what he is. Hope this helps you.
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I don't think you understood what I said to you. By law whether your father is a citizen of this country or not he is financially responsible for you until you are 18. He should be giving your mother money not loaning it to her. If your mother is unwilling to ask the courts for the legal papers required to make him pay child support; You are now old enough to ask the courts to do so. This is something you are entitled to by law.
I understand you love your father. I am a father myself and I do not understand how a man cannot live up to his financial responsibilities for children he fathers. No matter how much you may love him or he says he loves you; failing to live up to his financial responsibilities, in my eyes and the eyes of many fathers, make him a poor father and even less of a man. That is why I suggested you could take him to court IF YOU CHOSE TO.
The one thing that doesn't change with this information is that he is still your father and they are still your parents married or not. This is truly something that is between them. Most likely you are the result of an affair they had and to a certain respect he has not neglected his responsibilities to you as a father or to mom as the father of her child.
Where he is neglecting his responsibilities is in the area of child support. By law he is financially responsible for you until you're 18. The money he gives her should never be a loan but part of his legal responsibility to you and her. What mom needs to do is see a lawyer and have legal papers filed requiring him to pay child support as ordered by the courts and possibly support in the arrears to make up for what he hasn't paid.
If he fail to pay the support as ordered he can be denied entry into this country if he is a foreign worker or his passport can be revoked if he is a citizen of this country. His earnings if paid by a company of this country out of an account in this country can be attached as well.
You mother may be unwilling to do this or she and you dad may have come to an agreement or she may believe what ever he may have told her when you were born. Whichever is the case there is little or nothing you can do if mom is unwilling. You can not force them to marry. As I said to begin with you are most likely the product of an affair they had and there was never a marital interest to begin with.
You may be able to ask child services to intervene for child support if you are receiving any type of public assistance. Children and Family Services would want to go after your father for support if they can to recoup any money they have given your mom in the form of public assistance. This could take time and could involve legal charges against mom for making false statements to obtain public assistance if you are receiving any type of assistance.
You may be able to initiate legal proceedings for child support against your father. This would depend on the laws in your state. For this you would have to contact an attorney. First meetings with an attorney are of no charge and if the attorney is willing to take your case the attorney may be willing to do so with payment coming from the recovery of the child support.
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