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My mother expects me to pay her bills because she raised me?
So I was adopted by my grandma. My mom was in my life, though. Basically my mom and my grandma both raised me. Anyway, I'm 24 and I'm living in my own townhouse with my boyfriend in a completely different county. When I lived at home, I paid the bills and helped any way I could, because I lived in the house. However, now I have my own bills I need to pay. My grandma called me constantly asking for money to pay her such-in-such bill because she couldn't afford to pay it. I refused her once, and she would always bring up the fact she adopted me and that she raised me and that I owed her for it. Then, I end up having to go to court FOR her because the old landlord sued her and she refused to go. I'm now having to pay this debt to him because I was the one who showed up. Now, again, I'm having to go to court because of something she won't pay and won't go to. I tell her that I shouldn't have to go, and she, once again, brings up the fact that she raised me and that I owe her for it. It makes me feel so horrible. I didn't ask to be born, why does she keep doing this to me? And not only that, but it is getting me and my boyfriend into HUGE fights. What can I do about this?
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If she adopted you, she made an agreement to take care of you and is required by law to do that. You don't owe her anything. you didn't have to help pay bills when you lived there, but did it anyway. You now live on your own, and shouldn't do all that for your grandmother. You should just block her calls. If she calls, it's just gonna be about needing money or whatever. Tell her that your over 18 and no longer have to listen to her. Change your number even if you have to, and make it to where she has no way whatsoever to get in contact with you. if she was required to go to court, and she was the one being sued, let her stay and not go. That will only cause her to end up in prison, and that should scare her enough to make her lay off. If you don't want to go, just ignore her when she tries to get ahold of you
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as has been said, if your name isn't on the bill or any rental agreement or other agreements of mom or grandma, you are not responsible.
I am guessing they are intelligent to know you are not responsible and grandma is manipulating you to make you feel guilty for something, for making you feel like you actually do owe her or mom something simply for the fact that one brought you into the world and the other raised you.
Look around you for a moment. If this concept she is telling you was true for most of society, then all young people would be paying back their parents for having raised them. It is ridiculous. Think of an adult who goes for a bank loan, the bank handles what ever it is they are purchasing, house, car but you as an adult are signing documents to promise to make monthly payments because you chose to go into this agreement for a loan and now you owe them money back with interest. But that's willingly doing so as an adult legally willing to agree to such a thing.
A child was not thrust upon your mother without her agreeing to it. She made a decision to have one or made bad choices and got pregnant when she didn't want to be. And she still had a choice to have you or not or she'd have had an abortion. As a newborn, you have no say in any matter, adults take care of you. You as a baby or child were never expected to sign a contract with parents or grandma stating that you promise to pay them back for raising you starting at 18 when you become an adult. No child is Ever expected to pay for parents to take on their bills and commitments, just because you share blood or were raised by them. In some cultures, its a culteral expectancy to help look after anyone older people in the family but that is cultural and is not the law .
You have relatives playing the guilt trip card with you and it's worked once with you willingly showing up at court. By law you would never have had to pay this bill. But you're showing up in person, implied you were willing to do so and financially able to do so, so now you're stuck paying back her landlord. DO NOT show up at court ever again for either grandma or mom. They are adults and if in financial stress they can turn to the same agencies for help that you would have to if you lost your job. I suspect the reason grandma hasn't tried her local department of social and health services is because she is too proud and can't bide the idea of going to strangers in some agency for help from the state. Next time she comes begging for you to bail her out, tell her to check with her local DSHS office and get referrals for agencies that can help. You've bailed her out now this time and probably on other smaller things so she knows you are easy to manipulate. So unless you learn quick how to resist her, you'll do it again and again and run your own financial situation into the ground. If you and boyfriend are living together and sharing bills together, I'd say he has a right to be angry that you are willingly handling many of grandma's bills which put a strain on your household budget which both you and he are a part of. stick with the commitments that you and he got into and pay your own bills. If you know you won't be able to resist grandma manipulating you to feel guilty....then don't take her calls. Or you and boyfriend can agree on what needs to be said and he be the one to take the call and give grandma the advice that you have agreed upon. He'll be able to resist her and she wont be able to play the guilt trip on him. WHEN you have a husband someday, that's what he's for...when one of you is weak, the other is strong and you both take turns doing what you are strong at to make the marriage work. You can start practicing that now with the boyfriend, especially if you think this is someone you'd like to be with life long anyways. Good luck dear.
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If it is not your bill DO NOT GO TO COURT FOR IT. Unless your name is on the bill you are not responsible for it and do not need to go to court to answer for it. I'm not sure how you were made responsible for the landlords payment by going to court for your grandmother it wasn't you debt in the first place. If I were you I would contact an attorney to see if you can get out from under that one.
Unless you are named on the Court filing or must appear as a witness you are not required to be in court for any actions against your mother or grandmother. If your name is not on this filing do not go.
As to being obligated to pay these bills because you were adopted. NO. No child is responsible for their parents obligations. Be that child the parents natural born child or an adopted child. In the most recent mortgage crisis Banks have tried to go after children and other family members to recoup their losses and have been forced to return any moneys collected by the courts in most states where they have tried this. Even for student loans unless a parents name appears on the loan application the parent is not held responsible for the students failure to pay. I know because my sons loan fell into default and they never tried to get me to pay his loans.
Do not let mom or grandma bully you or coerce you through guilt to pay their bills for them. If you can afford to and wish to is one thing. If you cannot afford to and would cause you to default on any of your bills then you tell them you can't help them. Your credit and good credit rating has to come first.
Should you decide to help your grandmother or mother do not give them cash or a personal check. Get a cashiers check from the bank and make it out to the company it is going to. I once loaned my son some money to pay a debt to pay a bill and that company used my check as authorization to debit my checking account for future payments. We settled for them cancelling his debt and a written promise never to do that to anyone else. So if you ever loan them money do so with a cashiers check made out to whatever bill you are paying.
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In my way of thinking, a parent owes it to their children to raise them. In turn, the children owe it to their own children. Obligation passes down the line and not up. Things done for the elders are out of love and kindness, not obligation. Setting limits on what you can do doesn't mean there is less love and kindness. It just means that you also have to live your own life.
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