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Parents...divorce?
Ever since I was little(I'm 17 now), my parents haven't gotten along. I don't know why they haven't gotten a divorce. They can never get along. We can't spend one day or ever go out as a family without them getting into an argument. They had a fight a few days ago and I feel like they're gonna have another one soon. And even if they do start talking to each other again (which is almost never), they just end up fighting again. They don't even talk to each other like normal parents, my dad never wants to talk about me or my brother or my sister(who has a disability). He never wants to talk to my mom about our family. He comes come, cooks for himself, showers, watches tv, and goes to sleep. He doesn't care if any of us have eaten but he always makes sure that he has food for himself. He has never even once asked me or my siblings about our school,grades,or anything and my brother's in his 4th yr of college. He has never attended any of my school meetings or asked about where I applied to college or where I got accepted or where I even want to go. It's ALWAYS my mom that has to do everything for me and my siblings, buying food, clothes, making sure we go to school and come home, cleaning the house, cooking, everything. She struggles so much to provide for us and on top of that she works at night and comes home in the morning and she has health problems. She's diabetic and a few years she had surgery on one of her legs. Even during that time he never went to see how she was doing or did anything for her. It was always me and my brother who went to visit her in the hospital every day. A few years ago when my sister was in the hospital it was always me and my mom who went to visit her every single day at night. I am just so tired of them fighting over the same things, wouldn't it be much better for everyone if they just got a divorce or were living separately. A bunch of times he has even thrown out food that my mom has bought or spent hours cooking. He throws out stuff that she buys, saying its "garbage." Why should he throw out stuff that she spent money on? She never does that to anything he buys. He also doesn't even care about my sister. She has a mental disability and couldn't finish high school. he doesn't care if she doesn't eat or drink or even get up from her bed. Never once has he given her her medication that she has to take everyday.It's always me or my mom that does it. I don't know why he still stays if he doesn't care about my mom or any of us. I don't even talk to him anymore, it's been years. I feel so stupid when I do because I know that he doesn't give a shit about me(sorry for my language). My sister is also causing problems because she gives my mom soo much stress. She messes up the house and my mom is the one who has to tell her to clean up, take her medication, get up in the morning, go eat, everything. I also have really low self esteem and I barely even have any friends or anyone to talk about this, that's why I'm writing it here. I haven't let any of my problems at home affect my schoolwork, I do well academically.It's one of the things that I actually enjoy and my goal is to get a good job after college so I can finally buy my mom a house. I don't even know if that's gonna happen.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Oh hon, I feel so badly for your situation. It's really rotten but life isn't always fair. However I believe you have enough personal strength to not only survive through this but actually do well in life despite the hand you were dealt. I know because you have said you haven't let it affect your grades. You are still determined to make something of yourself.
About why they have stayed together? Several guesses but no matter why, it won't change things.
People are afraid of change, afraid of being single again after a divorce so its easier to stay with known situation, whether horrible or not. If your Mom were divorced, at any point in time, having had children, it's harder to find another mate. Even when the rest of you have families of your own, there will still be responsibility for your sister and that won't be an attractive situation to any prospective dates.
Another reason people stay together is purely financial. Maybe she isn't sure he'd pay child support or alimony even if a court says to. By his behavior, he already looks out only for himself. So in a divorce, she may not get enough to pay the mortgage and end up losing the house. Perhaps Dad for same reason realizes that he couldn't afford paying for his own place so this is just a place for him to crash and his family are to him more like roommates he doesn't have to pay attention to.
Ones family life can affect you personally such as the low self esteem. Even just being embarassed for anyone to know what your life is like at home. But I sense that with you, despite not getting the affirmations young girls need as they grow into women from the trusted male family member...Dad, that you are strong enough to over come what is bothering you, self esteem, low self confidence, or just feeling you are so different from other girls in what they have to deal with in life. I have run into, in my life, so many dysfunctional families that with their number increasing, they are beginning to unfortunately look like the normal. Other than the teen who complains at everything, I'll bet that there are others out there in very similar or equally bad situations as you who need some positive feedback and emotional support and caring as you do. I cant say how you'll find them but when you become a friend to someone like that you'll gain a friend back. They won't be part of any 'group' populars, or other and most likely if you look hard, you'll begin to notice those who always keep to themselves, are shy and never seem to have a friend around. Try for those people because at least you'll be able to understand where the other is coming from. As for needing to talk to any professional, I agree that talking to school counselors is a good way to go. You'll never know if there is something that can be done to help your mom, with managing her own health and being caretaker of your sister. I don't know if you qualify for any help but if the counselors know of the situation, perhaps they can at least offer some suggestions to mom but ultimately Mom must act upon them and seek any help that is offered through social services. You'll soon be at college and can't be looking out after Mom and your disabled sis although you can help now. But now is the time to encourage Mom to get things set up for when her other kids are gone. You should not have to feel obligated to stay at home and look after the house and give up on college and your own life, just because they are family. Mom has great odds to work against but she needs to know what her options really are and have some professional who can talk to her, explain it and help her along to becoming self sufficiant if the husband is a dead weight and not helping with anything but his income. He can do that from the other side of a divorce. But even so, Mom needs to look at the future, at what point is her health to a point she can't look after your sis or what happens to her someday after she dies? She needs to have that figured out ahead, some trust fund plus someone who legally is in charge to look after sis while she lives in an adult care home and gets disability from the state for her care. Mom is probably not in a good postion emotionally to even think about those sort of things but it is important. I'd ask a counselor how you could talk to mom about this if you haven't tried already. God bless and may the angels be working at your side to help bring some progress to this.
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Dear I'm 17 now,
Reading your question has brought me near to tears. This is so sad. I can only imagine the stress that your sister, mom and you are experiencing. I want you to know that I'll be praying for you all daily.
I don't need to tell you that there's an enormous difference between a father and a dad. While you have a father, it appears you're going to have to live without a dad. In fact, the responsibilities that your father is neglecting has now fallen onto you. You're going to have to step up and fill the void as best you can.
If there's no food prepared, it'll be up to you to prepare it. It's really not that difficult. You'll also have to look out for your sister. When she makes a mess, help her clean it up and remind her of her medications. Help mom as much as possible because the strain is greatest for her.
I'm so sorry but you're going to have to become an adult right now. It's going to be tough but believe me, if you can do this, you and your whole family will be much better in the long run.
I'm also going to suggest that you talk with a school counselor. There may be resources that may be useful.
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