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What's Abusive About Fifty Shades of Grey?
Can someone please explain to me what's abusive about Fifty Shades of Grey.
I'm a soon to be 24 year-old woman who is highly turned on by the type of material in the book. Although I have never engaged in BDSM, I love it when my boyfriend dominates me, and I fantasize about engaging in the activity.
Is BDSM abusive? Is there something wrong with me thinking so highly in allowing my boyfriend who I trust to dominate me?
Will I allow my relationship to become dangerous if I tell him to engage in this kind of behavior?
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Dear soon to be 24 year old woman,
I matters such as this, opinion is highly subjective. "Different strokes for different folks."
I don't think that there's necessarily anything "wrong" with you. You're certainly entitled to your views and practices of sexual expression. However, you should understand that to some people, BDSM and abuse are one and the same. Others can appreciate the difference in other people’s relationships but find it difficult to apply that same logic to their own relationships.
50 shades of grey has been criticized by some for the encouragement of violence against women. Emotional and sexual abuse is pervasive, including several instances of rape. Reprehensible threats and behavior are represented as playful fun; force ends up being acceptable.
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I'm not sure that Fifty Shades stands accused of being 'abusive' in the formal sense. No question of it being banned, censored and edited. And it's captured the interest of the film makers. It's erotic fiction. It caught a wider public audience then is perhaps usual for such works? And when one casts such a broad net, as it were, then it is likely to be commented on by people who have never before encountered adult erotic fiction with a BDSM theme. The 'new' critics might find the genre entertaining and appealing. Or they might be (quite genuinely) shocked and wish to air their views. BDSM acts CAN of course represent genuine abuse. Generally it is a 'fetish' behaviour, and between two (or more!) consenting adults it is no more sinister than any other fetish. There is nothing wrong at all in engaging in sub-dom acts with your boyfriend. The 'role play' of taking, or relinquishing control during sex/sex-play does not betray any serious psychiatric disorder, and will not cause one. If you both enjoy it, do it. Any behaviour will always have it's extremes. As a rule rape is an expression of 'control' far more often than one of sexual attraction. One could also argue that muder is the ultimate act of control? So what have we got? Fifty Shades has exposed far more people to the subhect BDSM than might have been the case. Their knowlegde of it will begin and end with what they have read in this single title. Which is a fictional work, sexed-up, spiced-up and intended to shock. It's not a documentary, or a rigorous psychological/behvioural discussion/examination. Many will see it as a shocking and 'dark' world of abuse, rather than a harmless fetish? I sincerely doubt your are in any danger of damage. Physical or psychological. In rare cases people have been injured in BDSM role play or even died. Avoid anything which significantly controls breathing (the worst offender in role play accidents). Some sort of agreed 'signal' between you and your boyfriend if either of you feel something has gone a bit 'too far' and it's causing actual distress is a great idea. You don't want harmless and pleasurable acts to accidently take a tragic turn in the heat of the moment.
ps. My reply looks a bit non-specific. Ought to qualify it in plain terms? OK. You enjoy your boyfriend being dominant, enjoy your submissive role and encourage it? Any argument that the role-play entails an abusive relationship breaks down completely, purely because you are actually 'getting exactly what you want'. Ostensibly you submit to him, but in fact the submission is totally voluntary. That's why it is not damaging. If he was truly forcing it on you AGAINST your will then it would be wrong on every level of course. Is that any better?
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I've heard about the book and don't need to read it to know about that world. Although a few of the tamer aspects I like, for the most part, I am not into real heavy BDSM. But everyone is different.
Your concern as to whether a female asking a guy to be the dom may turn him into a man who becomes dangerous with the power all depends on the people involved. I did watch a documentary of real people who lead these kinds of sex lives. And one couple, the female asked him to be the dom but he grew up with physical abuse and wasn't likely to want to do anything like this. It was quite a stretch for both but they talked about contracts with very specific rules you both agree to not cross and safe words you can use to get a partner to stop what they are doing immediately. I suggest you watch this documentary and see how other real people have been doing this long before the book was ever written. I have heard from friends who read it who said the writing wasn't top quality, the book wasn't as true to how it is for them, just didn't seem written to be realistic and helpful, just titillating and entertainment in reading, thats all. So I likely will not read the book just to say I have. I am very openminded sexually, but this wasn't written to be a 'self help' book. Here's the link, then you'll be better equipped for having a discussion with boyfriend.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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There is nothing wrong with consensual sexual acts between two adults.
50 Shades of Grey is a piece of fiction, and if you found it sexy, that fine. It's okay to enjoy fiction that presents unhealthy relationships, but it is important to realize that the book presents a situation of abuse, because many of the activities are not consensual, and often, utterly criminal.
It's not the stuff in the bedroom that is most problematic or the most clear example of abuse in that book. It's the stuff going on around the sex that makes it clearly, unquestionably abusive.
Christian is constantly manipulative. He is upset by Ana speaking with a male friend, even before they are couple in any way. He traces her phone when she declines to tell him where she is. He shows up outside her home, but she never told him where she lived. None of that is romantic, most of that is criminal.
He makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement about their relationship, which is a purely a way of threatening her so she feels unable to reach out to her family or friends about concerns about the relationship. He engages in many other acts to cut her off from other friends and family members who care for her.
When Ana tells him that she found some of their sex acts made her feel abused, he tells her to get over it, because that's what other woman have done for him.
He makes one set of rules for her, and another for himself. For example, he is allowed to dump her whenever he likes, but she cannot break off their relationship unless he gives her permission to do so.
He also accesses her bank account without her permission.
That's without even mentioning all the brutally clear threats of physical assault, or the number of times he forces past a clearly stated "No" and physically forces her to have sex anyways, or even the time he has sex with her, without her consent, while she is passed out.
50 Shades of Grey paints the portrait of a stalker, who constantly manipulates his prey, engages in criminal acts of stalking, privacy invasion and rape, and also regularly threatens her with physical assault, even public physical assault where he tells her that no one will come to their aid.
Imagine your friend told you a man was behaving that way - Would you tell her not to worry, that is sounded sexy? No. Of course not. You'd be terrified for her safety. You'd hug her while begging her to file a police report.
There are lots of reasons why we, culturally, find these stories compelling, even sexy, and there is nothing wrong with finding a STORY sexy, but it is important to remember that they are only sexy when they are stories, the moment this sort of shit becomes REALITY, it's just WRONG. It's abuse and it's criminal.
Some people who like BDSM are also abusers. Not everyone who enjoys BDSM will abuse a partner, but some will, because some people are just abusers regardless of what sex acts they like.
If your boyfriend isn't a manipulative stalker and abuser, then he still wont be that even if you enjoy BDSM together.
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Everybody's views on BDSM are different. There is also varying Degrees of BDSM. One type of BDSM is the rape fantasy that many women are supposed to have. Another is being tied to the bed and letting him have his way with you. BDSM could also include him allowing others to use you.
Then there is BDSM that includes pain this is the "D" of BDSM and could be simply allowing him to spank you or maybe canning or whipping you. These are fairly standard forms of pain inducing parts of BDSM. There are harsher forms such as nipple and clit clamps. It gets worse from here.
I am quite liberal in my views on sex. I believe that nothing done in the privacy of one’s home or bedroom between consenting adults is weird. The operative words here are CONSENTING and ADULTS. No one should be forced to do anything they are not comfortable with; be it a sexual position or type of sex act.
If you wish to explore the world of BDSM I see nothing wrong with this provided you and your boyfriend sit down and discuss it first with your clothes on. Make up safe words so you each know when the other has reached their limit. Decide what and how you both wish to explore this world for it can be quite dark. Wherever this leads you should never leave permanent scars or injuries for that is going too far.
Together explore the world of BDSM, and what it really means before you actually participate. Make up your rules and know your limitations. When you are both in agreement then go ahead and explore and I hope you find what you’re looking for. If anyone thinks you’re weird for doing so they are just closed minded.
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