|
lack of trust
Hi there..am Female,23...
Well I had a serious relationship for a 4good years..n recently we broke up..till the end I have trusted him blindly n forgave him for his every mistakes as I loved him in worst n best..there were so many incidents that did shake my faith in him still I intentionally omitted them n behaved like a blind...i know I should not have trusted him so blindly..but I was scared of losing him..so anyhow at any cost I tried to keep him in the relationship..though I never got any evidence that he was cheating on me..but he did a lots of things that indicate he was upto some other girls...but just to keep the mental peace I sabotaged my way of thinking..within this four year duration we broke up for thousand times n everytime I begged him to patch up woth me..he never ever came back to me..every now n then he insulted me my friends n my family..even he n his mom mentally abused me n accused me for his alcohol addiction..he never trusted me so if anybody unknown to him ever comes to him n tell him that I go physical with any random guy, he would have believed that..he even had problems with my dresses n uploading my pics on Facebook...whereas his mom uploads odd pics of hers on fb n flirts around with unknown guyz..i didn't have any issues with her untill n unless she poked his son about my dressing sense and he abused me with slangs..the society I come from is a bit conservative and orthodox..women who have on of that age n husband alive,doing such nasty things are considered to be perverted..i completely felt disgusted by him n his mom..how hypocritical they can be!!
But I trusted n loved him so much..so got a irreparable wound..can't be healed...but now there is a guy younger than me..he admires me n wants to be committed with me...but my ex bf made me absolutely unable to trust any guy...
Please tell me what should I do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
you trust him and you should hide it for some days. if you really want him to care about you and not to break your trust then simply I am requesting you if you can avoid him for some days. you have to behave like that you are avoiding him and he had to feel it. then i am sure he will come back to you and will love you so much because he can realize about you only when u avoid him. blind trust makes a man to go away. you trust him keep it in your mind. dont mention it to him. think smartly, you will get smarter life. :D
]
I know it can be hard to trust someone else after bad experiences, and it may just take time. Eventually when the time is right, and the guy is right, you'll be able to open up again. It might be this guy, it might not. But you need to know that not every guy is like that, at all. There are some really good people out there, and the only way to know is if you give them a chance. So don't push yourself, but I suggest gradually trying to trust again, which may mean being friends with this guy (or any guy) for awhile and see how things go.
Hope this helps~
]
I understand, having been married at 20 and the guy verbally abused me for 30 years thru 3 kids, before I left him. In my case, I lost any love I had for him slowly over the years. His harsh put downs and such did not affect my mental health or self image as I had a strong belief in God where I got the positive input I needed, but the stress took its toll on my health. I was now older and wiser from life experience so when it came to looking for a trustworthy guy the second time, what it comes down to really hon, is not an irreparable wound,wounds do heal, but it is having enough self confidence in yourself that you know how to look for the warning signs in a guy. Every guy looks wonderful when you first meet. Thats because most guys and girls put their best foot forward as the saying goes, or more to the point, assume as false self, the facade they show to others especially someone they want to impress, and they hide their behavior that subconsciously they realize will push people away.
So after 4 yrs, you have enough knowledge what warnings to look for. I dated before meeting 2nd husband. And as sharp as I was, there were still a couple guys I met in person who fooled me for a handful of dates. Then the moment one did and said something that was exactly like my ex, even though it wasn't directly at me, I dropped him. Is it harsh to not give a guy a second chance? No, because you are looking at him as a fruit bearing tree, an apple tree will not produce globs of shit, and pear trees don't produce bruised bananas. Whatever you see or hear from a guy, comes from somewhere much deeper, with a tree, its the genetics, the sap the roots, etc... and with people what you see, even once, is there because there is more of that at core inside them in their personality and character, such as their beliefs, morals, etc...
Learn to take things slowly, telling any and all guys with interest in you that you are not going to commit to be someones girlfriend until you've had a chance to get to know him well enough to decide if you want to. Guys don't mind you taking time to decide and dating around first. Only one out of 10 has a problem with that and you've just eliminated an undesirable guy and not wasted your time if thats an issue for him. Some guys can be doing great in many areas and the months pass by. It took once 3 months of living with a guy for me to really see some of his shortcoming that irritated me to hell, that I couldn't live with day in day out. It's also easier for a person to hide things if just going on occasional dates. It won't be your fault for being taken in and trust someone to find out later that something is really bad about him. This is part of the process.
What is your fault is whether you decide to stay with and put up with less than the best for you.
Another thing that helps is having a list of pros and cons in a guy. When you meet a guy and start going out, anything after a first date shows there is still real interest and of course the next steps would be to seriously date and eventually commit to being a long term couple. So I learned to tell guys in the beginning what I expected in a guy, the positive treatment I expected, nothing less or I would leave. I then explained my high standards were due to a previous abusive relationship. I spelled it all out what my boundaries and expectations were of them so that if they couldn't comply or weren't willing to, they could walk away right then at the 1st meeting, 2nd meeting. Don't let it go longer to the point your heart has a chance to fall for the guy, cus once your heart is engaged, that makes it harder to leave, even if the guy is a terrible one. Make sure you spell out what you are looking for sexually too. Yeah the convo may turn them on but I told them it was that important to me to not be mismatched with someone of a differing libido and/or differing desires in sex such as S and M or doms and subs, it wasn't for me.
Do you want kids someday? That goes on the Pros list you tell a guy about. People generally know in their twenties if they want kids and how long they want to wait before having them. If he says he likes kids, observe him and see what he is like around little kids. Does he get annoyed by kids running around screaming and just generally having fun? Does he stop a runaway ball and return it to the child by getting down at their level and interacting with them as he hands it back? thats one example in one area only of how observant you need to be. Take what you saw, home, and write in down on a list of just his pros and cons. If you have any other questions that come along, feel free to write me. So there's no reason why you can't begin to discover some things about this young guy, and make sure he knows you are in the discovery and checking him out stage in the beginning here and hanging out with him, and going on dates does not mean you are ready to make a long term commitment to be his girlfriend yet. If he can't understand that, don't bother going into checking him out, he's a bit too immature if he can't see the wisdom in that and wants you to become his girlfriend instantly. If he is willing to wait and take time to get to know you as well, then when you feel you've come to a decision, including whether theres even chemistry between you or not after a few weeks or months, then let him know, you'll date him or are dumping him.
]
It's always hard letting go of someone, especially if they mentally abuse you. I myself have spent too long trying to dedicate myself to someone who couldn't change and was not worth my time. I understand the pain of losing him must really hinder you.. but there's nothing that says you have to be committed right away. My advice to you is to take it slow and see where it leads the both of you. You need time to heal and really find yourself again. I understand the feeling of wanting to be with someone immediately after the trauma of a bad break up.. but it's usually not the best decision for you or the other person. Stay strong, and I hope you allow yourself to love again.
]
More Questions: |