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I don't fit in, people trying to change me
I'm 20 & I've always been quite shy. I've had one close friend for 13 years & I've had a boyfriend for 3 years who I'm crazy about. When I'm with them, I'm really happy & chatty, I like to go out with them etc. I've been getting better with my 'shyness' and I'm much more confident. I've just never really liked going out in big groups and find it really hard to talk to people I'm not close with. I'm not scared, it's just that I have no idea what to say. I find it hard to find things in common. I'm a private person, I don't like talking about myself to people I'm not close with, I don't drink alcohol, I don't like sport, I'm not girly, I love studying.. I'm starting to think I'm really boring. I don't fit in anywhere. I've been tested for social anxiety and was told I didn't have it. I was happy at school, I had friends, I'm happy to go to my tutorials for my course I'm studying, I talk to people online who I've never met.
I've just started my first ever job and it started off well, I was making conversation getting to know people but they're really different to me. I've been invited out for meals already because it's someone's birthday and someone else is leaving but I really don't want to go as I don't like fancy restaurant food/can't afford it. They're saying they'll get me to drink tea/coffee soon (I don't like hot drinks) and go out partying with them etc. When one person said they organise social activities I just start dreading the idea of that. I feel like I'm being made to change the way I am and it's really upsetting me, I'm in tears. I just want get on with people without having to do things I really don't like. Am I being selfish? Do I really have to go out, drink alcohol, waste money just so people will like me? :'(
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I might suggest you see a professional astrologist who can explain to you who you are based on your sun and moon signs and rising signs, these definitely are very true based on what day you were born, the time and the location. My husband doesn't do it professionally but I've learned, it's not the same thing as horoscopes and try to predict what a person should do, everyone is unique and so those don't work. But astrology will help you to know that you are normal. What you describe of yourself tells me that you don't suffer shyness or some social disorder or being antisocial or boring even. I also took a seminar on learning personality types. Of the two more quite, private people who don't like associating with just anyone were the ones called "Analysts or Controllers" the more extrovert types were the "Supporters or Promoters" Everyone was given the basic descriptions on a square of four cubes and basically, depending on how you answered, you ended up on the introvert side or extrovert side and then other questions to help you determine what your type of the two is. Why I am explaining this dear, is that once we were told to go to a corner of the room labeled for each of the types, I was amazed to see that the majority of the people were in the Supporter and Promoter groups and very few individuals in the other two. It just goes to prove that the person you may be is normal for who you are, but you will always be a minority among the peoples of the world and in a job setting, the only one in your department and one of only several in the whole company. So obviously, you will not ever feel comfortable around others who are more bubbly, outgoing, into social things, etc... Do not change who you are for anyone else, you will be miserable and become depressed possibly.
If you do some digging into being able to describe yourself to others (if you wish) so they can better understand it's who you are, for the same reason they are how they are and your'e not anti social, then likely there won't be any problems working with them and not participating. It may feel wrong to have to explain, but the majority will always wonder and the issue won't be put to rest unless you take the time to teach them something so that they don't have to wonder why you keep refusing. Saying "thats not my thing" will work for people like yourself cus they're not nosy but it won't work for the majority who are the problem in the first place. If they aren't being pushy, but nice in trying to include you, they don't deserve a brush off without a good reason and you probably have a good reason, you just don't know enough how to scientifically explain where you are at. Once you do, problem solved. I found a blog where the guy describes the different types of people and also how to get along with others who are different from you. It should be helpful in a work setting.
First is a quiz to take to determine your professional behavior type. I took it after almost 30 years since I did it first time and I am the same type, a supporter. Here it is:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I am sure once you learn more about yourself and can explain why you are as you as, no offense to them, the others will be glad to allow you to be yourself and no longer try so hard to include you. My guess, they are just assuming you are more like them, just shy.
good luck!
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If you don't want to go out with these people, don't go.
Work is not a social activity. You're not necessarily there to make friends, you're there to work, and you aren't under obligation to conform to their standards or go out with them.
I've been at my job for 9 years. I don't really go out with anyone from work. We're not FRIENDS as much as we're just coworkers. I've never been out with most of them, and the few times I had people meet me out it was MY choice based on a shared interest we had in music or something.
This is just the adult form of peer pressure. There are two ways you can deal with it, without caving into them.
A, you can tell them to lay off because it's making you uncomfortable. It's actually an HR violation for them to NOT stop, because it then becomes harassment.
I know what you're thinking. That seems mean and you don't want to make a poor impression on them. You'd like to be friendly, but you'd like to feel like you're not being pressured to change.
That's where option B comes in... You just smile, laugh a bit, and tell them you can't. You have an obligation. You can't afford it. You'd love to, but (insert anything here and then stick to that being important). As for hot drinks, you just don't drink them and if they try to get you to, you laugh politely and decline.
It's not an ideal solution, but there isn't one.
You're in a situation where you're going to see these people for a while, so you don't want to have to live with the harassment... because that's really what it is... but you also want them to like you.
My approach is to pick your fights, which is a mixture of A and B. You can probably laugh off a lot, but if it bothers you, you just need to tell them that it bothers you. You don't have to change, you shouldn't change, and people will like you or they won't anyways. If they like you now, they'll respect that you don't like going out and that you're not into partying. That's people.
Adopt the slogan: It's not my thing.
Then you smile, and walk away. It's a brush off, but it's not a mean one. It's a way of escaping the conflict without really getting into it.
YOU SHOULD COME OUT WITH US!
Oh no, thanks. ::insert genuine smile:: that's not really my kind of thing. ::brisk exit so they can't argue::
If it gets to a point that these things don't work... talk to your manager. It's not tattling, it's asking for the work environment you're guaranteed under your corporate guidelines.
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It sounds like you know who you are and what you like/don't like. There is nothing wrong with being socially selective. I can relate to a lot you're saying. I have a few good friends, don't really enjoy going out/drinking for the sake of it if I am not into the crowd, etc. Too many people around your age (and even older) try to conform to other people, just so that they can fit in. On the other hand, there is a certain amount of compromising you'll have to do in order to make new friends/keep the ones you've got.
What I'm saying is, step out of your comfort zone but not so much so that you feel totally uncomfortable. For instance, if someone nice invites you for coffee/tea, and you don't like hot drinks, that is fair enough--but you do like hanging with quality people. My suggestion is to go anyway, and not order a hot drink. You can have a soda or any other drink (cafes have other drinks on the menu). That way you interact with a new person while not doing something you aren't interested in (e.g., having a hot drink). Another example would be if you're invited to a dinner/fancy restaurant and can't afford most of the items on the menu. You can eat ahead of time and just order something small like an appetizer or soup/salad. I think that if you enjoy the company of the people who invite you out (they wouldn't do it if they didn't like you), it is usually worth going out anyway so that you can create friendships. You can even start plan your own social activities, involving places/activities that you enjoy. Being socially selective is not a bad thing, so long as you know when to compromise.
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