|
Hooked up with my guy friend...help!
19 female
So last weekend, I went to a party with some of my friends and basically ended up making out with one of my guy friends. I don't know how I feel about it...cause like there's kind of a story behind it and maybe even us, but then again it might just be me over reacting. First of all, I've hooked up with guys at parties before, but it's never been with someone I really know or am friends with, so I feel like that just complicates the situation even more.
Basically, last Friday this guy friend (lets call him John) came over to my apartment and invited me and my roommate to a party that he was going to. He came back to our place a little later with alcohol, but I told him before we even went out that I didn't want to get drunk because I had an interview in the morning, but that I'd drink a little with him. We took a couple of shots before we left and then headed out to the party. When we were walking there, two of our other friends were talking about the guys that they were dating or talking to, and me and John were walking together talking about something else. Then he like brought that topic up and asked why I wasn't dating anyone cause I'm a "great catch." I pretty much just laughed that off and changed the topic to something else. When we got to the party, he ended up getting me a lot more drunk than I had planned...not like forcefully or anything but like he gave me the bottle and kept asking if I wanted to take a shot with him. We were spending pretty much the whole time at the party together, and it was pretty normal until he introduced my roommate to a guy he know so they could talk, and basically he and I would be alone. Then he got all huggy which he had been like the whole night but this time it was a little different. Like he brought up how we had been all huggy another time we were drunk a couple weeks before, and how he liked that, even though he hadn't brought it up at all the times I had seen him since. Well after we were hugging for a while we started dancing for like a really long time, and at first it was pretty innocent, but then we got real close. I don't know why but I kissed his neck, and then we started making out. But it was actually really short and when it was over he kissed me on my nose lol which was kind of sweet I guess. And then we parted ways and it was really awkward cause like all of our mutual friends saw, and same with all of the people at the party who I didn't really know but were friends with him. Like when we were dancing this one guy came up to John and was y'all are so fucking cute.
He left with me and my roommate, but I didn't get a chance to talk to him before I left for my apartment and he went back to his dorm. I still haven't seen him yet, and most of me just really wants to avoid him. But then another part of me wants to know what the heck is up? We've always kind of had some type of little connection, and like he's gotten in the way of me talking to another guy before, but I always thought it was more of just a friendship type of thing. I don't know if that was just us being drunk or if there actually might be something there? Ugh, really don't know how I feel about this... Any advice or input?
Sorry this is so long!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You explained it really well and all you wrote was needed for us to get a good picture of the situation. I think one of your statements gave me a good clue as to what is the real issue here.
"Then he like brought that topic up and asked why I wasn't dating anyone cause I'm a "great catch." I pretty much just laughed that off and changed the topic to something else". Why did you laugh that off? Why did you change the topic not wanting to discuss it? When we avoid something, sometimes it's because we are afraid of what we will discover about ourselves. If we dig deep enough to really admit some things about ourselves, we may discover we are lacking in something, usually its a lack of being informed or knowledgeable on a subject, such as sex and relationships. You may not feel you know enough to know how to treat a guy let alone understand him in a relationship or feel inadequate when it comes to sexual experience or knowledge. The knowledge is FAR more important than previous experience. You may find you are afraid, that you won't measure up to other girls out there and no matter how much a guy compliments you, you don't believe him. If you don't believe a guy and have self doubts, it may take a counselor to discover why you doubt your abilities. Here's some of my guesses: was it flunking a test in grade school, a highly critical parent or one that compared you to siblings all the time? Things like this can affect your ability to start dating a guy since you will never feel yourself good enough to truly be inspiring their interest, so you laugh it off.
If not seen to, you will be like this the rest of your life. Life should be enjoyed. So if you are absolutely thrilled with your life as it is now, and you are not lying to yourself when you say you are, then there is no need for change. Don't date anyone. And get drunk everytime you want to flirt or have sex so your can lower your inhibitions in your mind. It's your thoughts, the tape playing in your mind that prevents you from getting to the root of the issue. You bypassed those issues and drank, even though you say it was unintentional to drink that much, until your inhibitions slipped. Maybe he was trying to help you feel more comfortable knowing only alcohol as a remedy, but thats a poor one. I believe it much better to discover what's really eating at you inside in your subconscious, what is preventing you from allowing a guy to date you, to become a couple? I can think of one thing that can help if there are no subconscious issues, and that would be to have a solid idea of what you are looking for in a guy so you can recognize it when you see it. If you don't know, then it's hard to get started. You can make a list of traits you like in a guy simply from having observed other men, maybe you prefer outgoing, talkative extroverts, guys with lots of patience, who never raise their voice and know how to control their temper, who do special things to show a lady they care about her, care about their appearance, etc... Once you start dating, you can add to your list of what you like, I am talking about a real written list that you review, update or cross out things on as you experience more. It should be a list of pros and cons so the things you don't want, like a controlling type, verbally abusive, belittling you, a spend freak-bad with his finances, etc. If any guy you meet is too low on the pro's and high on the con's, stop seeing him, break it off and look for another, always striving for a step up and better, never settling for the same or less.
If you think what happened was only because you were drunk,you are yet a bit naive. Drinking simply lowers the inhibitions so that whatever desires are in your subconscious can't remain hidden in that state so you will do what you desire. Some drunks are mean, they desire lashing out at the world, others have unmet wants. You obviously are attracted to him and want him as more than just a friend. He is really into you and if he's always there, getting in the way if he see's you with another guy, it's cus he's thinking of himself and doesn't want another guy possibly asking you out and being accepted cus that likely will crush him if he has feelings for you. He compliments you too, you sense the connection between you. Obviously, he's really into you as more than a friend but he's too shy to come out and say so, so he's giving all these other clues and see's no sign from you that any of it is registering with you. For all he knows, you are totally oblivious to how he feels an attraction to you. You give no sign 'while sober' of encouragement, simply shrugging or laughing him off and changing subjects. If You are really interested in him as well, I would stop doing that and show some interest in return, AND do it while sober so he cant attribute it to alcohol. What happens when drunk doesn't count as far as letting a person know you are interested in them. He could eventually come to a point of giving up on you and start looking for someone else or if another girl very similar to you crosses his path, he just may go after her or a girl who truly isn't scared of him or to show how she feels. So how do people show they care, verbally-affirmations, complimenting and saying I have deep feelings for you, building them up.
Other ways is spending quality time with the person, quality means outside of drinking, time where you both feel comfortable and can talk uninterrupted while doing something you like, walking, hiking, out to dinner or a picnic, listening to music at each others place, avoid movies as the main activity as there is no time spent talking, no interacting.
A 3rd way to show your feelings is giving gifts, store bought or homemade, doesnt matter.
Doing special tasks for the person that they could do themselves, shows you care, its even better if you volunteer help with something you observe they don't like to do or find challenging, like if he see's your car tires look low on air and windshield wipers are shot and volunteers to go with you to fill your tires with air and put on the wiper blades for you when you buy them.
Lastly there is touch. People need touch to actually be emotionally healthy. Surveys show that getting daily hugs will lower chances of becoming depressed.touch shows interest, such as flirting, so when you kissed his neck, that is an example of that but canceled out by too much alcohol. He can't be 100% sure of it meaning anything. So while sober, trying touching his hand or shoulder as you speak, give him a short rub of his shoulders as you pass behind chair he's seated in, play with his hair, or giving a kiss. Out of the blue, a kiss might seem scary, but a perfect time to kiss him is any time you are saying thankyou for something, he opening a door for you, gave you a gift, treated you out. A guy also needs to feel needed and you could ask just about anyone to help you with a task but if you choose to ask him, it conveys you have a preferance for him. Try asking for a neck and shoulder rub for tense muscles even if you don't have that, the chance for both of you to touch each other like that is part of flirting. Find excuse to touch briefly. If you need any more help, let me know. good luck.
]
Dear 19 female,
So, you like John and John likes you. You're friends right? However, you're together at a party, you're both drinking and have become rather mellow and both of you are experiencing your normal inhibitions (and good sense) dampened by the numbing affect of the alcohol and your perfect friendship seems to have morphed into something more and you're not comfortable with it.
I believe you can safely relax a bit. I'm sure that John is experiencing some level of discomfort too. It's very possible for friendships to turn romantic. It happens all the time. On the other hand it could have just been the drinks and the moment.
My advice to you is to just wait and see. It was John that created the whole scene and it was John that made the "great catch" comment. Let him carry the ball going forward. If there's anything to this, it will surely become evident in the course of time.
You should also carefully meditate on the possibilities in the cold, harsh light of day. Your feelings are equally as important as John's in this matter.
Good luck to ya' Personally, I'm hoping that there's something too this. I'd love to know how this tuns out.
]
More Questions: |