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humorist-workshop
Really like my friend's crush. What should I do?
I'm in a close group of friends, and we've all known each other about 18 months, all roughly 20 years old. I've started to really really like one of my closest friends (lets refer to him as the guy- I'm a girl)- building up for the last 6 months or so, during which time we've definitely got closer. He's religious, so I don't know how he'd feel about a relationship, but oh well.
Problem is, one of my close friends (friend A) started to like him around the same time and was very vocal about it. All of our other friends know, she talks about it a lot (except in front of him) and has even kissed him briefly the other night (while drunk). He'd have to be blind not to know she likes him, but he could be trying not to lead her on, since she's most enthusiastic while drunk and has been known to sleep with strangers in that state. Another friend guessed I liked him almost before I knew but I laughed her guess away because I was surprised and kind of embarrassed at the time. I didn't realise how strongly I felt. Now everyone's encouraging friend A and it feels like its too late to talk to anyone.
I also really don't want to make friend A miserable, because she'd been in some bad relationships before. The guy is just hard to read, and I desperately want to keep the same friendship with them both, I just don't know if I'd manage it if they were together.
I don't know what to do. Should I talk to someone, or just hope/ assume I'll get over him? I should add that I'm living with them both, and will be probably for another year or two.
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Dear Third Party,
The truth is unless this person is actually showing any interest in wanting to take the next step with you it shouldn't deter you from looking for something great in your life. If he is the "one" then you should let him know how you feel. If "A' is a real friend then she will accept it and so will your other friends. True friends will never let anyone come between them but also be happy for that person if they find a connection with someone. Make sure this person is right for you other wise it will blind you to not see if there is something bigger and better out there for you. If he chooses "A' then be happy for her and know that someone better is out there. Nether of you should be #2 to anyone when there are people out there ready to make you #1! So be sure and be happy and if it's right the great, but if it's not that's great too because then you will know and will eventually find the right one!
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Since you guys are living together that changes things.
Even if your friend didn't like him, if I were you, I wouldn't go after him. Because you'll be living with him and if things end badly, you'll still be living with him and if you won't continue living with him, one of you guys will probably move out because of the situation.
So I'd just back off completely. I'd suggest moving on. If those two get together, then it might be hard on the living situation but as long as you're not in the middle of it, you'll make it out fine.
So just take care of yourself, move on and find someone else.
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Woah, living in the same apartment? That tweaks things a bit. For some reason she is not approaching him to let him know how she feels about him. Since she's crushing on him, she will be crushed, (pun intended) if you and he somehow miraculously started a relationship and this is going on right where she can see it, since you all live together. Depending on the depth of her feelings, it could make her want to move out, you lose a roomie or if she can't afford it, that makes the living situation Hell.
I will now talk about chemistry. If there was some sort of chemistry between two people but they're just too shy to make the first move, once someone starts, then they will follow through on their attraction and get into a relationship. Unfortunately in life, too often, one feels chemistry but the other does not. So here are some what ifs: What if he doesn't feel any chemistry with her, seeing her only as a friend. You make no move to get with him because of her feelings, which even if she expressed it to him, would get her no where.
What if you told him how you feel and he doesnt feel any chemistry with you and confesses he feels it for her but isn't sure she really feels the same --for the reasons you mentioned. Would you tell him she's crazy about him and then have to watch the two making lovy-dovy faces at each other or say nothing and the two of you girls continue to be miserable living with but not having the guy.
What if his religious background has some bearing on the outcome? You wouldn't know until you ask. He could be one of those who's been taught to marry only a Christian if that's his religion, so he's not unequally yoked. Thats a big thing with the church, not being married to an unbeliever. The other more open minded religions of the world for the most part do not have such issues, maybe with exception of a sect here or there. He may not even if attracted, want a girl who is not of the same religious belief. Then again, maybe it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't follow the doctrines of the church that closely which is my guess, especially since he is rooming with two girls. A strict religious Christian family would be horrified to have a son living with any female he is not married to.
These are a lot of what if's. So whatever you choose to do, there will be consequences, at the very least if he's not interested in either of you after all 3 of you sitting and sharing and clearing the air, the living situation will feel strained and awkward from that point on.
Perhaps you ask the girl if she wants you to ask him who he's interested in as you are too, to find out if he prefers one of you or neither as more than a friend. She may not want you to. In that case, there's no reason why you can't just ask him regarding just yourself. But to keep things from being awkward for him, leave out the fact that you already have feelings for him, just that you were attracted to his looks as a friend and wanting to date to see if anything more might develop. That way if he doesn't feel the same, he won't feel weird continueing to live with a girl he knows has feelings for him that he doesnt return. Your girlfriend may not be ready for a serious relationship yet and more into just finding a friend with benefits, sex partner, which wouldn't work out well with all 3 living in the same place.
Simply put, you're in an awkward situation, where no matter what you choose to do, it will be awkward, you lose roommates or create an enemy with the girlfriend. Saying nothing may be best but it also isn;t an answer as it does nothing to give either girl a clear indication if they have a chance with him or not. At least, you now know what things can go wrong in this is you speak up.
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You Can't Deny Your Feelings for (Friend A's) Crush... See I think you should do everything you can to help your friends get together and if they break up you won't feel guilty about making your move.
I WOULD also strongly advice you not to talk to a friend about it because they might tell (friend A) so maybe you can either write it in a paper or talk about it to an older person whom you trust.
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