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How to deal with a friend you no longer want but always have to see?
So, I have a "friend." Honestly, she has stressed me out for so long now, and I still don’t know how to resolve this issue. We started out the semester as basically best friends. But then I got to know her personality, and it’s the type of personality that demands that other people be pushovers. I am not a pushover. I have been a pushover when I wanted to get others to like me. But by nature I am far from a pushover. My issue in the beginning was that my group of best friends all seemed to like her and hung around her still, so I tried to ignore my negative feelings toward her. I didn’t want to lose my other friends, so I pretended to be okay with her. Still, I would make subtle efforts to hang out without her. More than once, she would manage to tag along when I’ve made plans with other people. And it’s hard for me to say no to her tagging along because 1) I don’t want her to hate me, causing my other friends to hate me and 2) I don’t want my other friends who like her to think I’m mean or something. It’s just that we are in so many of the same circles. We have a lot of mutual friends. I feel like it’s impossible to be rid of her completely because I always have to see her. I might as well be civil toward her right?
It just bothers me to be around her lol. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I’m the one who has to make all the personal sacrifices (reluctantly letting her tag along when I make plans with someone, especially if I’m crucial to the plans; for example, once I was the only person who would be able to get us in to a certain party, and I did NOT want her coming, but I didn’t know how to say no. So I felt used. She always makes me feel used, and I despise this feeling), and I hate it.
It’s not like she’s an evil person or anything. Like, I’m sure she’s kindhearted enough. I just don’t like her personality. She can be extremely selfish and manipulative. It annoys me to be around her. I always feel like I’m the only person giving, and all she does is take. I hate feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. I don’t think I deserve to have to put up with this. Some of my closest friends recently told me that they felt the same way about her. So that’s good, I guess. But our mutual friends don’t just extend to my closest friends. Most of my friends are also friends with her (not sure if they also secretly don’t like her).
I just can’t come up with any solutions. I’ve already started to ignore her, and we haven’t talked in a while. But a few days ago, she managed to tag along again when I made plans with someone else (not one of the close friends who also dislike her). Of course, the friend was the one who let me know, not her. That just annoys me so much. I feel like my only choice is to continue being civil and acting like I don’t come very close to hating her.
I would appreciate any advice!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Unless she lives in the same house with you, where she could overhear, there should be no way for her to know your plans with one of your friends. Stop planning large group things. Make plans with the friends who also don' like her. Let them know ahead that this outing is just one for you and them and Ms. Tag along is not invited. You would appreciate them not telling her they are meeting with you, even if she calls and asks. None of you need to answer her questions as to what they are doing tonight or on the weekend. Ignore the question and ask her another question to divert her and then tell her you're busy and have to go, and hang up.
It would seem if you aren't the only one who can't stand her, but that none of you have the backbone to take steps to ensure she doesn't tag along. After a couple of times of her overhearing your plans to go somewhere and saying, "Oh, I'm coming too!" ONe by one, all of you just need to say something about changing their plans. Examples: "Now that I think about it, I've had a headache that's not going away, I think I'll go home." Another then says, "Oh darn, If you're not going, then I think I'll go home too." Yet another says, "Party poopers. Aw well, I have something important at home I need to take care of , I've been putting off, guess I'll go home too." If one by one, you all say that, eventually she should get the message you guys don't want her around. Using the word "home" as your code word, there can be a preplanned place you all regroup at to refocus your plans and then go have fun, without her.
It won't be easy doing this with a larger group whom you are not sure of, whether they like her or not. Eventually tho they are bound to notice how you all give up and 'go home' when Tag-along shows up. Just quietly tell them, you'd rather go home than spend your time with Tag-along. It doesn't matter if they think you really are going home or not. But its their chance to confide in you without you asking them, that they don't like her around either. Only under those circumstances let them know what you are doing, otherwise one of them may leak to this gal what's going on and she'll end up following you.
Miss Tag along, may at some point find it really obvious and annoying and ask you outright what's going on. Then you will need to be direct but gentle at the same time. And you will have to spell out your issues with her. But I'd start with you not wanting to hurt her feelings so instead of saying something, you have tried to avoid spending time with her. You don't have to tell her of any plan you came up with. Then something like, "Now that you've asked, we are opposite personality types, I discovered that after we became friendly at the beginning of the semester. I am not saying I am perfect, we all have character traits that rub on other people. I probably have some that rub on others in school, and that's why all the girls in school are not my friend. We just get drawn to people like us. I don't find anything in common with you. And I do have a particular specific issue or two with you, but I won't go into it unless you want to know. What you need is to find someone who likes you just as you are without asking you to make any changes in your personality. However if it's quirks you could improve, that keep me or others away, wouldn't you want to know?"
Something like this in your own words. Just be gently as I shared, with pointing out you're not perfect either. If we come from a stance of being so much better than the other, then the words are not accepted as easily.
Being older and wiser, What I would do first in the same situation is to confront her with that kind of speech first, see if it makes any changes in her behavior towards the better. If a people doesn't get a clue or want to change, it's then I'd pull the sneaky maneuvers to avoid them.
When I was younger, I did not know how to talk to people without feeling it might be coming out confrontational, so I always backed down and said nothing and was miserable like you. At some point in your adult life, you are going to have to face a similar situation that you may not be able to avoid, where it becomes crucial to say something...like being in a job where you are totally miserable and the boss keeps asking you to do things unethical or unlawful and you do it to keep your job, but hate work now. These kinds of things are opportunties for personal growth. Learning ways to stand up for yourself, stopping of going along with behavior that is unacceptable to you. You can't tell a person how to treat or not treat another adult but if it's a young child in danger, thats another story. But you have every right to decide what kind of people you will associate with. There is no such thing as having to force yourself to be someones friend...what you are doing is choosing to give up something, your peace, etc.... to be taken advantage of. No one can take advantage of you unless you decide to give them what they keep demanding. It's even harder when it's a family relative as in my case. I have picked and chosen what I found to be true real needs and helped, but on other requests, I simply say whatever sounds nice at the time, I will not reveal what the real issue I have is until the day they ask me why I refuse so many times and they haven't done that yet. I usually say, Oh, I'm so sorry but I am not available to help. Next time, ask me in advance as last minute requests mean I may not be available.
Hope this helps you to figure out how you feel more comfortable trying doing something more than caving in. Good luck.
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I have to agree, it seems like you just need to find a way to find the right way to say this.
Usually what ill do if im having this problem is get everyone around this person on my side first by asking them if they ever feel the same way, then once they agree youll have that persons back up should another situation arise where you can TELL no one else likes what shes doing and their just not saying anything.
Then you can ask her why she felt the need to do this or that and then say "ok well im just asking i mean you could have hurt someones feelings or endangered someone" if you have made crucial plans and she tags along then start asking the person you made plans with if shes planning on bringing this person you dont like and say "oh that sucks i kinda wanna to just spend some time with you is all" and it might make them reconsider inviting her. and simply ask if theres anyway they can make something up and change plans so you and the person you made plans with can go and not bring her.
Then once your with that person, tell them you dont mind her but "does she HAVE to be with us like every single time we hang out??" and things like these comments will start to get people thinking about their relationship with her as well. Little off handed comments usually will do the trick, get people on your side, and then when you DO finally feel the need to say something then you can without fear that no one will back you up on it. In fact they will probably agree and leave with you or come to you later and say "you were right"
Just stand up for what you believe in, if she cant respect that then shes not your friend in the first place and you dont need her, or anyone who agrees with the way she uses people.
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If you were to put yourself in her shoes, what does the situation look like? She seems to want to be with you and your friends but is being messaged that she isn't wanted. It seems like you have something to say to her and it can be hard to find the right way to say something like this without inflicting hurt and pain.
If this was my problem, I would discuss the matter with a close and trusted friend before I took any action at all. They might give you a fresh perspective and help you to develop a better approach. They might be able to even back you up when this person starts to become annoying. Tell your friend or give them a sign such as rolling your eyes and then your friend could create an excuse for both of you to walk away from the person. Don't make it really obvious that you are trying to get away from the person, or they will think you are mean, especially if they don't mean to annoy you.
If it finally comes down to where you feel that you must say something to her, do your best to deliver the message in as calm and nonthreatening manner as possible. Tell her that you are not feeling comfortable around her. This could be somewhat challenging, but you could tell it in a polite manner. Remember to go this frank only if you feel they are annoying you too much and can't just take it anymore. Also make sure that that the person isn't overly sensitive.
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