|
is he sending mixed signals or am I reading too into it?
So I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. He's great and all but I feel like he's sending mixed messages. He says he cares about me, which I dont doubt. One minute he has strong feelings or me, then says he cares a lot for me. He says he's happy we are together then says he thinks we should be friends. He says he wants us to work out but then says he's not ready to commit. He says he wants to give me the attention and time I deserve but has to take care of stuff first and doesn't want to make me feel like second best. One minute he thinks its just the time (or lack there of) to spend togther then its he needs to take care of stuff first, then its he wants it to work again. I understand he isn't ready to commit and wants to better himself before he can provide a girl with what they deserve and has been hurt. But it seems he wants to be with me but doesn't. We broke up but were working on talking things out. But he wouldn't change his relationship status to single but made a comment about mine sating we were in a complicated relationship. Any ideas on what he's thinking? I ask him but he's all over the place
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
you know, imho he's hopeless: okay, he might be too nervous or overresponsible for your future, but come on, this shouldn't lead to a break up! and no matter what, if takes away all the fun from your life, is it really mr right's style? this may sound egoistic, but you could as well go take advantage of this whole situation, like go out more often, meet new guys or sign up on a few dating sites which is even easier sometimes. when i have troubles in my relationship, i update my account on a few services like okcupid or [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) and start chatting with men. i don't necessarily hang out with them, but flirting also helps.
]
He thinks you'd make a great girlfriend but isn't ready for a relationship so by saying the things he's saying and doing the things he's doing, he's keeping you on the back burner just in case he decides to get a girlfriend. Guys do this a lot when they like a girl but don't want to commit. My advice is try to move on and live your life. Don't wait for him. He takes advantage of that because he feels like you'll always be waiting. You're his backup girl. So you should move on or try dating another guy and if he really does have feelings for you you'll find out then and it will be up to you and on your own terms, not his. Good luck girl
]
There is something he does not trust you enough yet to tell you or reveal to you that might shed light on why he is doing this.
But I agree with you, this is definitely mixed signal. Works, exactly as they are spoken, can't sometimes point to a possible problem. If you loosely translate what he has said without exact words, I could be seeing an issue that doesn't exist. With that warning out, I will proceed to tell you what scenerios went through my mind when I read some of the things you say he said.
" He says he wants to give me the attention and time I deserve but has to take care of stuff first and doesn't want to make me feel like second best."
2 reactions, 1. that he has other issues he's dealing with which has first priority in his life so you wouldn't have it. 2. Unless you know for sure he isn't, he may be married and separated, and hasn't got around to a divorce yet and can't marry you til he's divorced and free to do so.
"One minute he thinks its just the time (or lack there of) to spend togther then its he needs to take care of stuff first"
1 reaction This is second time you listed him as saying he says he needs to take care of stuff first. When in the relation, a couple learns to take care of things 'together', each putting in their share of effort into the relationship and sometimes that means each having a time when they are stronger to help the one who is feeling weaker or sadder. However it shouldn't be one sided only. My gut feeling is that he is hiding something from you. Something he is afraid to broach the subject of. I know of a few things that people have a hard time sharing, and it either falls into the catagory of mental health or physical health or more to the point, on sexuality. If the two of you are not sexual yet, he could be afraid you won't want him if he is bi-sexual and afraid you'd reject him so he wants to try to find a way to deny himself, or get over wanting males. He could be more Asexual and wanting/needing just the emotional connection but knowing he doesn't have any sexual desires within and wouldn't be able to provide that for you in a future long term relationship/marriage. He may suffer depression, or some other mental health issue for which he's not on meds or under Dr. care and wants to handle this on his own to get better which will never happen, cus one can't usually heal themselves of an issue like this wiithout professional help and this is one of the 'stuff he's got to handle' things he mentions alot.
"...wants to take care of getting a car and a better job first," The question you could ask is 'better than what?' what does he think insufficient to please you in a car or insufficient in a job? If he's unemployed or working PT at a fast food place, thats not enough usually to combine with your salary to eek out a living situation together. However if he just doesnt believe you'd be impressed if you knew what he really does for a living qualifies for something on "the world's dirtiest jobs tv show", he may think you'd no longer want to associate with him. Guys are often worried too much about impressing a girl, especially if a girl or two has hurt him and dumped him. If he hasn't specified what kind of hurt he's suffered in the past, it may not be what we'd think most obvious like a girlfriend. He could have been physically or mentally hurt (abused) as a child, the hurt may have more to do with negative thinking and a low self image than an actual act against him, and that falls into the realm of mental health and wellbeing. He may be aware of these and other shortcomings and want to somehow overcome them and be rid of them before he feels he is a good enough prospect for you.
"...isn't ready to commit until he's more settled."
Reaction: It's another blanket statement, saying some words but not really saying much at all. Reminds me of politicians, they can talk on and on and in the end, though it sounded impressive, when you really look closer, they haven't said anything at all, no statements nor revelations or promised anything. A person who has perfected the art of 'dodging'.
So what you can do is tell him you'd like to sit and have a heart to heart talk, this being if you are in love with him and find you want to give him a really good chance. If you really want to go through all of this and the work to get a commitment to just become your steady boyfriend only with no other future with him, that's up to you but doesn't sound rewarding to me.
Let him know that most of what he says to you doesnt reveal anything, like its statements to just passify you for the moment without revealing the real issues that lay deep for him. Reassure him he can share anything with you and you won't freak out or find him odd. Toss in a couple examples of the odd stuff such as I have mentioned, and see if he will reveal what's really going on in his mind and life.
Lastly, take a closer look at yourself. Look deep inside for what you really need in a guy. Example, if you are a very spiritual person, you'd have a need for someone who isn't anti spiritual, if you had a verbally abusive, alcoholic father, you want a man who doesn't drink, is able to control his emotions in all situations and doesn't verbally raise his voice to you or take his frustrations out on you. These are personally important to you. Right now I know of one for your list, "A man who is decisive (not wishy-washy)" Make your list, then compare him to your list. If he's a potential prospect for a boyfriend, then he needs to meet the criteria on the list, if he doesnt, then he can't be the boyfriend, just a friend. Then you move on to find your partner, boyfriend, lover and potential marriage partner, using your list. Stay true to your list, no exceptions. By that i mean "if like myself, wanting someone who upholds instead of criticized me all the time like my ex, I was on the lookout for a guy meeting me who might be critical of others even if he didn't criticize me outright, because from experience, its only a matter of time before he turns that on me. On a 3rd date with one guy, he critisized his housemaid and called her racial slurs. Thats all I had to see this to know I would no longer consider him for a boyfriend.
So hon, if you don't have this list of 'must haves' in a guy, you'll have nothing to compare the guys to that you meet with.
People change very little in their lifetime if at all and then the changes are so small that it doesn't improve anything at all, and won't help or matter in a relationship to finally make it work. So you have to look at it as this is the best he may ever be for life even if you hung around for him for 10 yrs and he finally decided to commit, he'd still be like this, wishy washy in any and all decisions you both need to make in the relationship. If you are okay with him the way he is, doing all of this until you're old and gray, then keep hanging in there with him and be happy. If this doesn't make you happy, meet your goals in life or meet the criteria on your list for men, then announce to him that you are moving on to look for a man who is serious about finding his lifetime partner and going for it. Since he isn't, you are not going to wait any longer for him to feel he's ready, but you will keep in touch as a friend and he will only be friend status. Hope this helps
]
]
More Questions: |