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Do i stay with my bf or listen to my parents?
I grew up catholic born and raised my parents are crazy catholic. I broke their biggest rule I had sex I have been having sex for months with my boyfriend. They found out this past new years , and made me give him up. They said till he graduates (hes a year younger, I graduate this year). But until then no contact aloud no texting facebook ect. no in person contact. We talk and pass notes at school I can't seem to give him up. Do I go against my parents wishes and try to be happy or go with what they say and be miserable. Most people say oh hey you'll make it highschool relationships never last but I don't think that's true I think that as long as we both try it can work. But I cannot afford to move out so im stuck living under my parents rules. My life is a mess because I feel like I have to choose between my family and my boyfriend. help please?
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You will graduate this year this makes you anywhere from 16 going on 17 to 17 going on 18. You are also correct in that when you live with your parents you must live by their rules. I was happy to see you write this for it tells me a lot about you and your level of maturity. I'm not going to dwell on the pre-marital sex for two reasons. First what is done is done and cannot be undone. Second few brides today go to their marriage bed a virgin.
Let’s start with the parental rules: While you are under 18 not legally and adult parental rules are a hard line. When you turn 18 you become legally an adult and the line becomes blurred. Your parents legally are not responsible for you; still most teenagers’ need their parents support to survive and prosper. The house rules though need to reflect the fact that their child is no longer a child and certain freedoms must be granted. This is a discussion you should start planning to have with your parents for after graduation and you turn 18.
As to your boyfriend: I feel you are mature enough to make your own decision here. I will try to point out some of the obvious you may not be seeing at the moment.
You are correct in what you believe in that some High School romance do last past High School, the major percentage of them don't. The reason for this is that long distance relationships caused by College separations are hard to maintain.
You will graduate first and hopefully go off to college in the fall. He is going to stay behind and have his senior year. I remember my sons’ senior year and the many activities to celebrate during the year. He may want to attend these activities and you are not going to be able to attend all or any of them depending on where you go to school. You are going to make new friends and have new more adult experiences while at school. When you come home things are going to be different. I forget who said this but it is true, "You can never come home again."
I went to college while in the military and after I returned home. My friends all went to college right after high school. The only friend I really identified with when I came home was one that became a cop because he experienced some of what I did.
I was sent off to a far off country to assist in fighting a war I knew little about. I saw untold cruelty and dead people. My friends saw fun and games. I was forced to grow up and mature faster than them. I no longer identified with them or them with me. This will happen with you.
While the reasons for you maturing faster than him will be different. Your college life is going to force you to mature a great deal in that first year. The chances of you two growing apart are great and it is no one fault; it will just happen.
Think about this and then think about you last two sentences. Do you really have to make a choice?
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I am putting a link so you can save this information and for you to read the details of explanation on the 9 points below. You are of an age where it is important to learn to think for yourself and make decisions for yourself hopefully within a safe boundary set by loving parents. But there are very few parents who handle their child growing from childhood to adulthood without major issues or problems and yes, many can botch things up. But most do what they do and say what they do because they love you and are doing the best they know how, whether it is truly the best way for you to learn or not. So keep that in mind. Here's the link:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
it
Now here are the main points from the article with my comments for you listed.
How To Think For Yourself
1. Ask questions, particularly the question "why?". In your case that question might be, why do you believe sex before marriage is wrong. Write me at my column if you want to know how to go about researching this on your own to find what explanation feels to be the truth to you.
You might ask why they forbid any contact, even on line with him. They may be thinking that with no contact, there will be a lesser chance of being tempted to have sex. I know, that reasoning may be true for some people but won't work with those truly in love.
2. "Look for selfish motives."
Most humans (90% is my guess cus it's human nature)are like sheep, unwilling to think for themselves or forge their own path, they would rather be part of a herd, following someone who has done all the figuring out for them, blindly accepting as truth, that which they are told. Problems arise when parents who have blindly accepted their beliefs without ever researching them have a teen who is beginning to think for themselves and choose to not blindly follow all they say. In your life you'll come up against many who take great offense with you if you do not blindly go along with what their plan is or beliefs are, etc... You'll have to learn how to tactfully share that 'it might be right for you but it doesnt feel right for me'. However regarding your situation, find out their reasoning regarding the year wait. Then see if there can be some kind of compromise that you all can come to, such as being able to keep in touch via phone and computer, just not in person.
3. "Stop being a people pleaser." Often, teens will just go along with what the parents say out of fear that they won't love you if you disagree, protest or as I read in a parenting article once, allow the child to make an appeal like in court, which only works if the teen has more information to present to the parent, that may change their decision. If a parent says they wont love you or disown you for going against their wishes, that would be considered 'conditional love' not unconditional. Most parents don't practice conditional love unless they were raised that way which is not right. Most parents will still love their children but not approve of their choices. And it's their choice to approve or not but love should never be withheld.
4. "Challenge yourself." As said in article, ask yourself questions. In your case perhaps it might be, what am I getting out of having sex with boyfriend. is it something I can really set aside for the time restriction given? Or will I fail to stay away from him and have sex anyways after giving my promise or agreement not to? This is important because you will show yourself to not be one who can keep a promise and that is one of the virtues a good parent tries to teach their child besides to not lie.
5. "Do the research". Don't take for granted that people know what they are talking about or whether it's even true. Some people believe that if it was printed, it's true. When people were once told by scholars that the world was flat, they just believed it. Sometimes you can't find proof that disproves a belief but you just know it in your gut and have to go with that.
6. Decide whether to speak up. People do on FB all the time regarding a photo or video that looks to be for real but is all fake and it's spelled out what to look for to see for yourself. When it's more personal like your parents, you'll have to decide whether it is worth it to say anything to them or not in attempt to get them to see things a different way, maybe your way.
7. Be humble. I use this advice myself a lot, even on here. If I don't have personal experience where I can related that I am not a know it all, but I have made the same mistakes, it builds more a kinship of having been in the same place and helps to avoid making the other person feel stupid or angry if it sounds like their judgement is found faulty by you. This way of talking can be used with parents too and I have a feeling as you become a young adult, they will still be wanting to give advice. It may be best to say something like, "You know Mom, I believed the same thing once, Then I stumbled across info that seems solid and says just the opposite. That is why I am going down a different path than you did. If you still feel I may be wrong, pray for me and God will make sure I hear."
8. Live outside your comfort zone. Boy do I know this one. I attended a very progressive church, in videos of churchs in other lands they showed people who danced with colorful banners during an upbeat worship time. Not a single soul in church did that sort of thing and I heard God tell me to do so. I realized then I had a 'fear of man', meaning fear of what other's might think of me, what reactions I'd get. I was told not to ask for permission because it was something beyond the comfort zone of all those there. God was teaching me how to overcome a fear of what anyone else in the world, including family, might think of what I believe and do. After I forced myself past the initial fears of the "what ifs" my mind imagined, it felt so freeing to be able to walk my own path, often following what I beleived God had for me, following my heart or following a gut instinct, and woman also have something called intuition they can follow.
9. 'Beware paralysis by analysis. ' I have felt this too. Its something those of us who forge our own path, doing something that perhaps isn't mentioned in book or society or religion or science as being so. You may feel you're the only one who believes this way of your family or of your friends group or of all the kids in school. Its easy to doubt yourself then. All God wants I believe is that we learn to think and believe for ourselves. Our relationship with God is a personal thing. As each of us is unique, with different needs or handicaps from life experience, we have all have our own ideas. So if you're doubting its a good idea to wait the year or not wait the year, you will need to do all the reasearch you can to allay any hesitation or fears so it is easier for you to make your decision.
Good luck dear
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Do whatever makes you happy! Your parents can control a lot of things, but not who you love. It usually is a problem when the guy is older and it's like that, but since you're older it'll probably have a lot less problems. Plus, it's only a year difference. That's not a big deal at all. I don't want to tell you to rebel against your parents and all that, but you have to do what makes you happy.
Hope this helps~
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