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I feel useless and pathetic
These past few days I've been feeling really down. I'm a senior in highschool and I've always done good in school and gotten 90s and 100s but this year I'm getting 80s I know it's not horrible but I won't be able to make honor roll, which I really want to. I'm surprised I even made it last semester considering how my grades have dropped this year. But I'm taking honors classes and 2 AP's. I barely have any friends, only one that I really talk to in school and eat lunch with. I feel like no one likes me and thinks of me as pathetic and a loser because I'm quiet. The reason I don't talk much in my classes is because I might have social anxiety. I'm always worried about what other people are gonna say or think of me. It's always been like this.
Also I've been doing bad in gym and I don't know why but my teacher gave me a 65 today, even though I did participate. I always see kids sitting around and talking to their friends and not doing anything and she never says anything to them. I've never gotten that grade and I feel so stupid now.
I feel useless and unimportant and like no one cares about me. I have really low self esteem and I'm always feeling bad about myself. I feel like I'll never be confident. The past 3 years of highschool were fine idk why but I really hate this year. I feel so useless and lonely.
Not to mention I have problems at home too. My parents don't talk to each other, if they do they just end up fighting. I don't talk to me dad, I feel like he doesn't care about me or anyone in my family. He doesn't know anything about my school or care to ask. My mom is the one who has always done EVERYTHING for me and my 2 siblings. She works hard to take care of us even though she's diabetic and had surgery on one of her legs. Since my parents aren't speaking to eachother they don't sleep in the same room. My mom has to sleep on a sofa in the livingroom and my dad doesn't even care. My brother doesn't even have his own room and he's 23. He has to sleep in the livingroom. My older sister is disabled, she stays home all the time and isn't getting better. I don't know what to do.
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Being a senior in high school, even without any complications, is very stressful, but with the added aggravations that you're experiencing, I can understand why you're feeling the way you do.
Considering everything that you've written, I believe that it's imperative that you speak with your school counselor, a favorite teacher, a minister, a relative or some other trusted adult. Print out your very eloquent question; let them read it and go from there.
Your "social anxiety" problem is common among young adults, and is particularly common to those with high intelligence. This will in most cases resolve as you gain more experience in dealing with others. In the meantime, do your best to present a pleasant, approachable demeanor in public.
Your situation at home approaches the intolerable. As there's very little that you can do to improve the situation, can you camp for awhile with an aunt, uncle or a good friend? If this is impossible, you must steel yourself to all the issues and just do the best that you can until something changes.
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Your school life is not all that bad. In fact you may be trying a bit too hard. The senior year is usually a year where you can relax a bit having taken most of the courses you need for graduation and now are taking only the electives required. From what you have written it appears you have really loaded up your senior year as well as the past three years. There is nothing wrong with this as it will make you stand out more on your college applications. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best I would rate your school life at around 7 or 8.
Your home life is a different story. There is not much you can do about your home life. You can grin and bear it for the next 8 or 9 months until you go off to college, hopefully you are for you sound like the type of student who deserves a college education. I have one suggestion about college which I will get to shortly.
The other thing you can do about your home life is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. You are living in a dysfunctional family. This is not good for them or you. I believe this is partly the reason for your low self-esteem and the way you are feeling right now which has the sounds of you being depressed. The teacher or your principal are required to notify the proper agencies to step in and correct what is wrong at home so you can excel at school.
The agency most effective in correcting what is wrong at home is Child Welfare Services. They would be most interested in you and your disabled sister regardless of her age. Your 23 year old brother is an adult and would be seen as such capable of caring for himself.
Children of different sexes must, under the law, have different bedrooms regardless of age. A reason why your brother is sleeping in the living room with your mother. Something CWS will not like either. Your sister being disabled may have special needs that require her own room.
Whatever is wrong at home CWS can force your parents to make it right. They cannot force your father to pay attention to you though they can force him to do what is right under the law for you.
By talking to a trusted teacher or your principal things at home could be made better for you. Which will hopefully make things better at school which is what this is all about. CES can also arrange counseling for you to help with your self-esteem.
Now as to college. I do hope you will be going to college. If you are please do not make the mistake many bright students such as yourself generally make. College is different than high school. This is more independent learning required of you. Your are going to need to manage your time better than you may be doing now. The mistake many students make is to load themselves up with course the first semester or even the first year; This is wrong.
If you're planning on an early graduation or a double major then plan on taking course over the summer and during intersessions. During the semester year, especially the first year take only the minimum course to be a fully matriculated student which I believe is still 18 credit hours. This will allow you to learn how to best manage your time.
If you find you are having trouble managing your time remember who I am as I can help you with that. Time management is skill that should be taught to all college bound students. I had to learn it for work and I learned it from an expert.
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Hey friend, I get that may seem hard since you want great grades, but it's really not that bad. You can always study super hard and get ahead, or find someone to help you out with school. There are always options. I know it may be lonely to have few friends, but that will change in college next year for you, trust me, it gets better. There may be someone at your school that wants to be your friend, but is also shy. Which is why you can always reach out to others who may be alone a lot. As for anxiety, if it's really bad, you might want to confront an adult/school councilor or parent on it and seek help which could include meds, therapy, or solutions. (You can also look things up about it) and you can try practicing talking to people and conversations in your head so it's easier when it happens. Teachers suck a lot of the time, it happens, unfortunately. You're clearly not stupid since you've gotten that good of grades so far, and no one is useless or unimportant. Everyone has a use for their life eventually. As for no one caring, there is always someone who cares. I care about you, even if I don't know you well. Everyone has their own insecurities even if it doesn't seem like it, that will change in the future. I have a similar situation, where my parents are like that, but I just look for the future and get out of here as soon as I can. If you ever want to talk to someone, my tumblr is ocalaphernelle.
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