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I feel so bad and regretful. I'm starting a downward spiral into hollowness
I'm 19, I work full time during the week. I'm starting to do things I would have never thought of doing a year ago. About two months after my girlfriend and I broke up, I went online to find an escort, I met her and payed $140 for it. It was right after work at her hotel room. I felt so horrible afterwards, what a way to lose my virginity. Then I started going to parties at my friend's house, nothing crazy, a little drinking, making new friends etc. I meet this cute girl, we talk and text a bit for a few days. At the next party she's very seductive, then she tells me that she does services and has clients. It was so tempting so I did it, I snuck her into my house and it was $110. This time felt even worse because I kinda got to know her a little bit before. I don't know what I'm doing. Last week I drank so much I blacked out and threw up everywhere. Is it normal for guys my age to pay for sex? I feel like it's a thing that older married men do. And to know that to society I would be considered a "John" I feel superficial and shallow. There's one side of me that feels so wrong, and another side tries to justify it. I'm starting to question so many things. It's starting to feel like there really is no right and wrong, and that we're too scared to face it. It's like the only reason I think it's wrong is because I know the people around me look down upon it, and we're raised to think that way. If there were nobody around to say it's wrong, would it still be wrong. I just don't feel like the same person anymore. My family and my job would never guess that I'm doing this. What do I do man? I was going to parties to kind of avoid that ironically. I freaking run into a prostitute in person. And she was like my age. I remember like if I were in high school I would like girls and talk to them, now I have no idea if they're a prostitute or doing drugs and stuff. It makes me question what normal is. And it's like you can't win. If you're too sexual, you're a pervert, but if you're not sexual enough, you're a pussy. One person says I'm too emotional and sensitive, another person says I'm cold and have no feelings. It's really confusing and I'm starting to doubt and hate myself.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Is it normal for a teenager to pay for sex with a prostitute? It really depends on what your normal is. When I was your age we still had the draft and the Vietnam war was still going on. Outside every training base were whorehouses. We were cautioned that they were off limits but most of us made a beeline to their front doors to rid ourselves of our sexual frustration. As long as we didn't return with some STD the military looked the other way.
Now today what your doing is illegal in many states. You can be arrested for solicitation. Something that is relatively new in the annals of crime. This is not something you want on your record at your age since it is a sex crime and it can cause you to be denied certain clearances or Bonding's you might need for a job.
As far as suffering from an identity crisis this is very possible. More likely breaking up with your girlfriend has injured your self-image and pride. Making you lose some confidence in yourself. Using a prostitute for sex in a manner of speaking does allay that some. Then the guilt comes and you feel worse about yourself.
My son was very hurt by a girl he was once engaged too so I think I may know a little bit about how you feel. He suffered for a long time and still does to a certain extent from a lack of commitment when it comes to girls. He has no problem attracting them. His problem is he is looking for a custom fit in an off the rack world. He is getting better but it has taken some professional help to get there. This is what I think you need to get over the hurt you feel at the loss of this girlfriend. You must have loved her very much and the breakup has hurt you more than you know.
My suggestion is that you get some therapy with a psychologist. The psychologist is going to ask that you get a complete physical with a screening for depression as well. From what you have written and the way you write you may be suffering a mild form of depression. Nothing to be that concerned about but something the psychologist would need to know in treating you.
In therapy you can discuss with the therapist anything and everything without reservation as anything you say is confidential and never leaves the therapy session. The Therapist is in fact your new best friend who is there to help and guide you to putting whatever is bothering you behind you and helping you get to a better place with yourself. In your case restore yourself confidence and allowing you to open yourself up again to others.
If you are still on your parents health insurance ask mom or dad whichever is the primary on the insurance for the number of their EAP company. EAP stands for Employee Assistance Program. This program is designed to be a confidential program to help employees and their families get help with different problems. In fact if you live at home you don't have to be on their insurance as most programs cover anyone living in the insurance holders home.
Call them and ask them for the name of a psychologist in your area. IF you feel you will be more comfortable with a male or female say so. THE EAP program will pay for the first few visits and then if you are on a health insurance program the insurance program will take over for the rest of the visits you may need.
If you give your trust to the psychologist and work with him or her you probably won't need too many visits before you start to feel better and won't need the psychologist or the prostitutes.
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I have to agree with the others here. You sound like your having an identity crisis here. It sounds like your brake up really effected you and you feel like your world is totally upside down right now.
You dont sound like a bad person, you sound a bit lost and your not bad for paying for an escort either. I have a friend who was one for along time and shes an amazing person. Shes never had sex with or judged her clients, she actually prefers to NOT talk about them because her regulars were actually very respectable people that she cares for alot. (ive known her for about seven years and shes never mentioned a peep about them) She says its just like a date when they want to show up somewhere with a pretty classy looking lady on their arm to an important event or are lonely, or stuck in marriages they feel they cant get out of.
So escorts arent bad people. their normal, and know they can offer something to a lonely person thats typically too busy to commit to an actual relationship.
Once your free of high school and teen life, you will soon discover that not everyone fits into a cookie cutter version of what this world thinks they should be. Life can get messy and sloppy at times and theres nothing you can do but learn from it and try not to make the same mistake again. We are ALL sort of a work in progress at all times, so why dont YOU try just doing what you think is right, and not necessarily what others think. Its your job to live your life the best way that you know how, not everyone is destined to be whatever label their peers expect them to be and you dont have to broadcast these mistakes either because their really no one else's business but yours.
good luck ; )
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Sounds like you are indeed going through a bit of an identity crisis. It happens. Sometimes events are triggers and do indeed lead us down paths we perhaps could not see ourselves on? And since we see as we feel then we question not only ourselves but those around us. Fact is, whatever people say life is simply NOT a straight path for us to go down in a measured, constant way. We deviate, meander, go round and round in circles at times. Sometimes the path we seem to have left, we never return to. Our we return to it somewhat changed and altered by our experiences. Don't beat yourself up about visiting a escorts. It doesn't make you a John, a loser. Many men use escorts. Wealthy men, successful men, married men, single men who want to stay single men. Men who are lonely, or men who are busy and surrounded by commitments and associates every day. It is generally not something you discuss with work colleagues or family. There is a stigma associated with 'paying for sex' but it's in your mind. Listen to a guy who's lived a while. There will be moments when you feel bad about. And wonder what the escort must think of you. Truth is, they don't really think anything much about you during or after the encounter. Good or bad. There likley to appreciate a client who treats them nicely, like human beings. Is friendly and not abusive. Open. Clean and well-groomed. Agree what will and will not take place. Higher paid escorts work by choice. They can refuse clients, or particular services at will. You are not an arsehole exploiting anyone if you use an escort. I guess what I'm saying is don't be down on yourself. Don't hate and despise yourself. Don't despise sex-workers. Don't judge yourself against some theoretical ideal. Not your own ideal, and certainly not other peoples. I think you probably are a little over-sensitive, yes. Unfeeling and cold, no. The encounter is, and always will be "shallow and superficial". That does not mean YOU are. Or she is either. In many ways you are NOT "the same peson anymore" and you never will be. You're a little bit wiser. You've seen a bit more of the big picture. You've seen into yourself. What you are capable of. Seen how everything we do makes us who and what we are. You're not a worse man than before. In many ways you're a better one. We continue to change and develop and grow as individuals all our lives. You're fine.
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The issue with the way you feel is that it comes from other people and what other people think. You are allowing these other people to impose certain qualities that you clearly do not uphold any longer.
You should let go of these worries and do not restrain yourself to what is "normal" and just be yourself. Whether or not you like to have sex with hookers is up to you, and you obviously like it because you did it twice.
Life changes and things change and people change, it won't always be cutsie relationships where you get to talk and go out to a movie and kiss afterwards. The going to parties is normal, the sex is normal, it sounds like you need to apply yourself and keep yourself focused on how you feel about your self confidence and not what others feel. Remember, what makes those other people so important that you aren't? Nothing. They're just monkeys following a band of rules society imposes on us.
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That sounds like a tough situation. There is many ways you can approach that, but what i suggest is to do what is best for yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and I know you may feel like you're in a difficult situation, but you can always learn from your mistakes. I think you should stay away from girls and focus on your job at the moment and not jump into bed with the first girl you meet especially if they want to charge you. Those prostitutes live a sad life and you shouldn't encourage them to like like that, ask them how they are doing and if they want any help, be the better person, I can tell from all that you've said that you are a great person
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