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Should I tell him?Or suffer the consequences?
Very difficult situation here.
I have a boyfriend of two years. I love him so much, he is the world to me.
About two months ago I cheated on him, while very drunk. I kissed a boy I'm in college with. Not for long but it was still unacceptable. Then later on that night, I ran into a male friend of mine (who is 100% gay) and kissed him for about two seconds, in jest. Naturally I felt awful.
I told him about the first kiss straight away, because I thought it was important to. He was mad and we had a rough time but he said it was ok because I told him about it.
At the time, I did not think the kiss with the gay friend was important. it has since started to eat me alive. And I don't know if I should say anything or stay quiet/
I think honesty is very important but on the other hand I don't want to hurt him more, over something stupid. Also, I think it makes it look like I will continue to cheat on him when I know I will not. I feel horrific, and I know I'm not deserving of this guy, but I really need some help.
Thanks. (Im 20 by the way)
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Tell him you were hammered which is what you were and that you weren't aware or in control of your behavior. Tell him that all that transpired was a kiss he already knows about and a second with a friend both of you know is gay.
Let him know under no circumstances would you have ever done any of this sober and have felt tremendous guilt over both instances since and that it's really been eating you. Telling the truth is paramount. He may be upset but it's what is right. You'd want to know if he did something similar. There should be no secrets between partners.
Next, it is in your best interest to quit drinking as you can't handle it responsibly and are never in control when very drunk and are making awful choices as a result that you may not realize until later.
Either quit drinking or start watching who you are hanging out with and don't drink at all at any social gathering to ensure that you are in full control. Leave if you see anyone doing anything that could lead to trouble for yourself if swept into it. I would tell your partner that you plan to do this so nothing like this ever transpires again. Have a sober buddy spot for you in social situations and get you out of there if trouble could exist.
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Honestly, I feel the first kiss you mentioned was the most important. However if you didn't feel as guilty I would say let it slide. But it's hurting you and i think as much as it hurts tell him. If his love is real he will understand people make mistakes. I've been in the same boat and I know it's scary. But you'll feel better. Tell him exactly how you feel. Also just make a promise to yourself that you won't get drunk like that ever again. Because next time it could be worse. (I'm not saying you would let it go that far) I don't think that you're a bad person so just tell him and forgive yourself and (im sure he will too) love him and move past the issue. I hope it helps.
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I dont agree with the other people on here, kissing someone is wrong and i believe he deserves to know, tell him and give him the benefit of the doubt. He deserves that much. Everyone makes mistakes and lying is sometimes worse than crime itself. Tell him and if its love it may be fine. Dont look for excuses to get away with it. Truth shall set you free, like the saying goes.
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In my mind kissing does not fall under the heading of cheating. It falls more under the heading of a handshake in our society. If it didn't I would have ruined my marriage a long time ago. It may also depend on the type of kiss and where that kiss leads to before you move it under the heading of cheating.
I have worked for many years in sales to the Lighting and Design Industry. The Sales Consultants in this Industry are mainly female and work in Lighting Showrooms. Many are married and many are not. My job was not only to sell my product to the Showroom but to teach and aid the Consultants in how best to use my products in their design. This meant working closely with them. You grow close to people after a while and it was not unusual to be greeted with a hug and a kiss or to be sent off with a hug and a kiss. This is not cheating, this is just two close friends being friends.
Kissing someone when drunk is not cheating as your inhibitions are down. You did something that was totally out of character for you and it did not lead to a bedroom where if it had that would be cheating. The kiss with the gay friend drunk or not would be and should be acceptable because he is a friend. He is a friend a kiss from a woman would not be unacceptable to him and may even be desired to show that you accept him as he is.
A hug and a kiss on the lips with a close friend is not cheating. Doing something as innocuous kissing someone especially while drunk does not in my book add up to cheating.
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In some cultures, a kiss that consists of a quick peck on the lips for greeting in hello or goodbye is considered normal greeting, not cheating. I have known plenty Americans who were raised in families for whom a kiss on the lips instead of the cheek was normal, including my own parents. This kind of kiss would occur between opposite sex or same sex with no worries or concerns. I understand you were drunk when you did this but kissing a gay guy would never have gone anywhere anyhow, would it? One extra kiss that occurred the same night at the same gathering does not make it look like you will continue to 'cheat'. If this happened on a totally different day and different place, then it could look like a pattern continuing.
If you were drunk enough to kiss all the girls there that night, would your boyfriend still consider you to have been cheating on him with those women? Or accuse you of being bi-sexual or lesbian? My opinion is that it only becomes an issue if a person is doing a long drawn out kiss, grabby hands, taking off clothes and or hopping into bed and having sex with some one else to be cheating.
It's up to you whether you share this piece or not. Considering how he reacted to the first confession, he may well feel upset or threatened by this extra info from the same evening, so if you can in your mind come to terms with and not feel guilt over having left this out, that would be a good choice. You are determined to never do this sort of thing again so confessing the kiss of the gay friend isn't going to make you any more determined. I am for honesty in relationships but on this, I can't tell you to confess or not, only to give you other viewpoints and ways of thinking about the situation in your mind.
I hope you learned something from your drunken incident. Now you know just what kind of drunk you are. Some become mean when drunk, you have the tendency to become too friendly and promiscuous. You can expect the same behavior every time you get that drunk. So the only way to avoid finding yourself in such a situation again is to learn what your limit in drinking is. How much you can drink before you feel tipsy, this is the point where I notice the first time I reach for my drink and have trouble doing so smoothly. i am already drunk at that point, but for myself, still at a point of control of my actions and choices. At that point, I quit drinking as I don't like losing control of myself and have never lost control and become drunk enough to do things I shouldn't. Good luck dear.
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