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Telling boyfriend you don't want to leave family?
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for years, until his family moved to Alabama. I chose to stay behind to take care of my grandparents. They raised me, I feel I owe them. Now Nick's back and pushing me to choose him over family again.
How do I tell him that while I do love him, I would be unhappy living far away from my family?
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This can be a tough one. I made it clear to my husband when dating early and on all our hours upon hours of talking about everything in life that i could never just up and leave my family. This is my home (its his as well and his family is here and wouldnt want him to leave either) he has ALSO been offered a great job that was across country but after talking about it, turned it down because he loves his family as too much to leave as well.
So you see, its really the kind of thing where you need to try to not have fear about all this and just SAY, i care about US alot but this is my only family thats ever really cared about me and i cant just up and leave them like that and see what he says. Stay calm wish him the best of luck with his new job and that youll always care for him. This will be a test to see how willing he is to make things work with you. this will tell you his determination, and devotion. it did for me at least, and although it WAS a test it was ALSO the truth of the situation.
I'd rather be just OK and making it in life and working and still with my family then without them and have boatloads of money because then, i'd have no one to share it with. Its just not the same when you have to travel hours to get to your family. Also, adjusting to a whole new place youve never been to before LET ALONE have to LIVE there for who knows how long. Its lonely as well because hes at work all day while your still at your new place trying to make it comfortable, and then theres tackling getting to know the lay out of the land of this whole new place!
I just could NOT handle that. In my opinion you only have one family and only so many of those relatives ACTUALLY care about you, so i say stay close to those people if they stayed close to you in the past and tell your man this is how it is and im gonna leave this choice to you but i cannot just up and leave my family.
My mother was dying from breast cancer up until about 3 years ago when she finally passed away. My husband was offered an amazing job across country, and turned down the job. I took care of my mother until her last breath, even up rooting from across town to find a place as close to hers as possible so that i could even WALK to her if need be (which i did with my brand new baby boy in a stroller and he was only about 4 months old) just to make it possible to care for her so she wouldnt have to leave her home and die in a hospice. well i did it and i could not be prouder of myself for staying with my family for as long as she was alive. My father is now ailing and he will be my next family member to die most likely and im not having to help HIM more and more while being a stay at home mother and my husband works a lower end job that isnt at the same pay grade he could have gotten had we moved away and we could not be happier. ; ) think about it. good luck.
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Are they old and feeble, or do you just like their company?
That's the question you have to answer. If you're sticking around to take care of old, unhealthy grandparents who need assistance, your boyfriend can go get fucked. Boyfriends come and go, those who raise you are there forever. My grandpa was basically my dad until I was 10, I'll never forget how much he helped me, or stop feeling bad that there was nothing I could do in his later years.
Now, if you just like their company, and their fine health-wise, I'm not saying you're selfish for wanting to stay behind, it just puts you in a different spot. If you truly love this guy, and see a future with him, then you should probably move to Alabama. There's no reason you can't go visit, and your grandparents wont resent you, I promise. Now, if you don't see a future with this guy, stick around with the grandparents and let him make a decision. If he loves you he'll honor your decision, if he doesn't, once again, he can get fucked.
Anyways, grandparents are notorious for spoiling grandkids, I wouldn't blame you for staying with them.
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Advice man has good points. I wonder if the grandparents are in good health and could just use a helping hand with certain things like when my parents got older, mowing their big lawn for one, help with cleaning gutters, putting up Christmas lights, a general spring cleaning...that sort of thing. Hanging around to be there for parents or grandparents in that case is putting your life on hold for a long time, disrupting your ability to find love and start your own life and family.
I can understand the closeness since they took the role of parenting you. But you need to look at it that way. How many children meet their partner for life and move to be with them and that means moving away from the parents. Of 3 daughters, I only have one now local. This is part of life. Just because those who parented you are older than some parents doesnt make any difference.
Now if the grandparents both have failing health and require an in home caregiver, then thats another story. If you are going to move with a relationship partner, I suggest you make the person understand that you would like to make a few trips over the year to go check on them. This might help you to feel comfortable knowing that they are doing well on their own and still have the chance to visit and love on them.
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Unfortunately this will always be a dealbreaker for you. Let me ask you a question. Let's say you marry boy that's local and you set up housekeeping and a year or two down the road while your grandparents are still alive he's offered a job that's fantastic it offers him everything he wants and will put the two of you on easy street. There's only one problem you have to move cross country. What are you going to do then?You're married are you going to force him to give up that fantastic job? Or are you going to split up and have him live on one coast and you live where you are to take care of your grandparents.
I suggest you talk with your grandparents. See what they want maybe they don't want you hanging around anymore. Are they in good health do they need you to take care of him? Ask them then decide what the right thing for you to do is.
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