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clashing or just controlling
im a 22yr old female.
i am currently in a relationship that has been good for 3 years. just recently we have been arguing daily about everything so i decided to move back into my parents to give each other some space. we still argue a lot, the other thing to take into account is he has ADHD (has medication for it) yesterday he accused me of cheating because i did not answer my phone because i fell asleep as soon as i got in from work till the following morning (6 pm till 6 am). I feel he has lost trust in me, i can not even see my friends (which he knew about in advance) with out him kicking off at me. Don't get me wrong i love him to bits but i am starting to loose my tether with it all. please can someone put this into perspective for me? i feel like im going insane
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Yup i have to agree with the others here. if youve already taken such a leap as to leave the place you call home with this guy then it sounds like your subconscious has already taken over and done the work for you and said "ok this is over, we're leaving" and you followed your heart and LEFT. so i'd say unless hes willing to go get help with his issues then i wouldnt go back.
He can always SAY hes going to change but i wouldnt go back until you start to see it and if he stops going to counseling then you threaten to leave him again until YOU feel hes making some break throughs. Im actually experiencing this exact same issues with a good friend of mine and her long time boyfriend RIGHT NOW. ((and SHE has two kids with him)) if you dont have kids with this guy then your not tied to him and should you walk away youll always be able to look back and say he was just a bad mistake that your glad you got yourself out of. If you stay with him, and the controlling continues, youll never have that chance, he'll always have something to jump on you about, nit pick over petty things, and control everyone and everything you do thats not to his benefit. Your a person too, your not his servant, and your supposed to be a team. sometimes people forget that aspect of relationships. They think "all i know is that i dont wanna be alone" and the feeling of wanting someone in their life over powers the knowledge that you are worth SOO much more then serving someone ELSE and being controlled and degraded when they feel you arent doing something right.
I sayu put your foot down with him, hold true to your expectations and he will either respect you more as a person and a woman for being strong or he will cower and if he does then hes not the man for you. You already have brains as a woman, now you just need to find your prince! ; ) good luck sweetie.
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Your title is a question in itself...is it just clashing or controlling behavior. Not many people your age even think of the term 'controlling' from what I've seen in questions asked. I suspect you already know that's controlling behavior. I've known grown men with ADHD who are married, both ones medicated and those not, none of them exhibit controlling behavior because ADHD has nothing to do with that.
So now as to why there is this arguing and clashing after 3 really good years,I find it odd that you can say it was good then all of a sudden changed to accusations, not trusting you and controlling you and who you see, even friends. People can act differently if they are ill, or stressed and that could account for being irritable and finding it easy to argue and find fault. But controlling behavior to my knowledge and experience has never come from someone being sick and thus having a short temper or stressed about something having nothing to do with you to begin with. If it was something you weren't doing for 3 years and all of a sudden started doing, you'd have a suspicion the change you made is what is irritating him. Instead of tossing accusations, resolving disagreeances need two people discussing the situation, spelling out what they are feeling, owning their feelings, not accusing the other of causing their reaction, nope, that comes from within.
giving each other space won't make what is eating at him inside, go away. Even if you did do things unknowingly that irritated him, his choices of how to handle it, were not mature adult ones, but childish ones.
I have known some real 'controller' personalities in life. I get along peaceably with just about anyone. It wasn't for lack of trying but I have found that controllers are one of those people with a difficult mental disorder that is hard on relationships if not killing them entirely. Another I've read of is bi-polar people don't have successful relationships either. It is very stressful on the more normal partner, who can feel as you do, like you're going insane. But if that is his actual problem, I can assure you its not you. It is hard to love someone like this because more often than not, the relationship is not going to go anywhere. You need to decide how long you want to hang in there for him and remain available as his girlfriend, waiting to see if things get better.
One more point, any guy who would accuse you falsely of cheating is a very insecure man to begin with. Until he see's a counselor to work on that and more, he will continue to feel threatened by your friends, male friends, or any male in public who even just looks at you, because his subconscious knows there is something wrong with himself. Its his conscious mind that doesnt want to or isnt ready to acknowledge it. You can't convince such a person to go see a mental health specialist to unlearn some of this destructive behavior, one of which is letting his thoughts run wild and believing his thoughts to be the truth... when it is nothing more than his imaginings. It doesnt look promising to me.
I don;t know how long of the 3 years you lived together but most people with serious issues as he has can not hide it and put on their best behavior and show that false personality for 3 years in length, 3 months at the most, not 3 years. So I am guessing that this may be something like my situation with my 1st marriage at age 20...where I excused away certain behaviors from the beginning, and it slowly got worse until I could no longer deny, and neither could my family that he was verbally abusive. He never did get better. Things got worse and i can say from experience, the stress of such a relationship, long term (30 yrs for me) will over time cause your physical health or you emotional health to suffer. In my case it was physical.
These are just a few other things for you to think about. I am sorry to have such depressing info to pass on dear.
Keep this one last thing in mind, dating is not something that you try to prove to others you can do long term. The true purpose to dating is to stick with someone long enough to discover things about them that you like and what you don't like. If the don't likes are minimal and you can live with it, you continue on. If it may be detrimental to your well being and health, you break up and look to make improvements in the next dating relationship, never settling for less, and with each person you date, forming an idea of what you want in a guy and what you dont want and sticking to that list.
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He's lost all trust, and you were so unhappy you moved out.
Before you ask yourself if this relationship is salvageable, you need to ask yourself if you actually want to save it? I'd be willing to guess, just based on the very small amount of information you gave us here, that you don't really want it to continue with him.
You can't live with this guy. What future can there be together if you can't live in the same place as him without being miserable? Is there a plan or expectations that need to be met before you'd be able to live together once more? Do you want to make that plan, and do that hard work to get back to that place? Does he?
Lots of questions only you can answer. If you really don't know what you are feeling, take a look at what you are currently doing. Sometimes the choices you are already making are a good way to tell what it is you actually want to do.
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