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Controlling father
I am 24 years old. My father has done everything he can to provide for my family and myself and he has definitely succeeded. We have not had a good relationship since I was in middle school maybe 12/13 years old. Nothing he did just never really bonded or gave him the time of day I suppose. I know this hurts him. Fast forward to present day, I have been dating a sweet boy for almost 2 years. He has tattoos and because of this my dad refused to meet him in the beginning. A few months into the relationship, he asked me if we were sleeping together and I replied honestly that we were. This pretty much ruined whatever little bit of relationship I had with my dad, he said he was ashamed and no longer had respect for me and not to mention even more refusal to ever meet my boyfriend. For the past 2 years we have had several arguments over my boyfriend. Yesterday, my dad told me to end the relationship (we had a previous fight about egg donation, i signed up my dad wasn't happy with it and said my boyfriend has no respect for supporting my decision to possibly donate eggs) and if I didn't he would disown me. So I broke up with my boyfriend right after that conversation. I feel this was the wrong decision for several reasons:
1. I still love him
2. The relationship is succeeding
3. Boyfriend had no say of our outcome
4. My father made the decision
5. This was also said out of anger
6. Dad still has not met boyfriend
So I suppose what I am seeking advice for is what I can do in a situation like this. He pays for my school (I am in my last year for my BA) and I still live at home. I am hoping to move out within the next year but would like to do so peacefully and mutually. Was I wrong for ending things with my boyfriend because it's what my dad wanted? I am so torn, I don't want to lose my dad but I also don't want to lose this relationship especially on these terms. I feel my dad is manipulating me, help!!
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I'm wondering if there is more to why you broke up with your boyfriend than simply due to your father. If not then you know you shouldn't have broke things off and if you love your boyfriend and he loves you treats you with respect and you see a future with him you should mend your relationship right away. However if he isn't treating you right or if you just aren't in love with him anymore there's no problem moving on and meeting new people.
As for your father let his issues be his issues. Unless your boyfriend is mistreating you in some way or leading you down a destructive path your dad needs to stay out of your relationship. Although we all want those we care about to approve of our relationships it isn't always the case but it's your life and you need to be happy. If you're afraid your father will stop paying for college with just one year left you could always take out a loan which won't be nearly as hard to pay off as 4 years would be. In another year you'll have your degree and on your way to a successful career. He needs to realize there are boundaries he shouldn't cross and if he just won't you've done your part. Don't spend your life worrying about something out of your control. Trust me your father sounds like someone who is going to find a problem no matter what. If it's not your boyfriend it'll be something else. For your own happiness you might have to distance yourself if he's only going to make you miserable.
I lived a situation where my mother absolutely adores my sister who could do no wrong while I've always been the disappointment. No matter what I said or did my mother never really seemed to like me. It really hurt. Finally I had to let go. I told my mom I was done trying to gain her acceptance and from that day forward I started living for myself. And strangely enough in her own way she kinda let her guard down and allowed us to have a better relationship. Don't get me wrong it's not all smooth sailing but it is better. So perhaps you're going to have to stand up to your dad and say look, I love you and respect you and your feelings too. But I'm a person with feelings as well. Please allow me to make my own choices and learn from them. I appreciate everything you have done for me but who I choose to date is just one part of my life and who I am. If you don't like who I'm with please just love me for everything else that I am. Let me show you how proud you can be of what I am and what I've accomplished without over shadowing. Let him know how much you love him and need him in your life but need to learn from your own choices.
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'm sure there is a little more to this story than what you wrote. As an advisor of many years and someone old enough to be your grandfather I understand we receive the reader’s digest version of these problems.
Yours is a little different of a problem in that in general it is father and son or mother and daughter that don't get along in the teenage years. In general though by the time a person reached your age the parent usually understands THAT THE CHILD IS NO LONGER A CHILD BUT AN ADULT IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. At age 24 you most certainly are an adult.
With being an adult comes certain rights among them are the right to a sex life and the right to pick and choose who you want as friends and significant others. I believe your father for some reason does not see you as an adult this is problem number one. Now most fathers with a daughter will always see their daughters as their little girls even when they are all grown up and have a family of their own. That is just the way father and daughters are. The difference is that most fathers do see their daughters as adults but still want to protect them. Your father has not made this transition, he is a controller and controllers never change.
Your father has made a judgment of this young man based on tattoos. To be honest I'm not a fan of tattoos but I would never make a judgment based strictly on them. Your father is judging a book by its cover and this is wrong. It is also shows your father to be very judgmental a trait of someone who is a controller.
Why your father is a controller I can't say. One reason is a character flaw and another is part of a mental illness possibly some type of depression. The first can't be fixed but can be taught how to correct. The other is fixable through therapy. Problem is the controller has to realize the problem and want to correct it which is something you cannot do for them.
After this all said and done you have the possible why of it all and yes your dad is manipulating you. He has no reason to do so and you have no reason to listen other than to be a good daughter. Listen to what he has to say, take it into consideration and make your own decision. You are an adult; you are responsible for your own decisions regardless of whether you live at home or not.
In essence it is like if you decide to rob a bank, the fact that you live at home at your age does not make you a child. You will be seen as an adult and treated as one. The same goes for how you live your life. If dad threatens not to pay for the remaining college apply for Pell Grants, and other grants available to you. Take out student loans to cover the difference and finish college. Then get a job and move out.
Most important is for you to be an adult and try to keep some type of peaceful coexistence between you and your father. That does not mean giving up the man you love to placate him. It means there are other ways to exist in your home without arguing with him every day.
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Your dad is manipulating you. Overtly. You don't need to say you 'feel' manipulated. You are being manipulated. Your father is threatening your basic security as a person - your place to live, your connection with your family, and your ability to complete your schooling - because of a relationship that is not dangerous or harmful, but that he just doesn't approve of.
He has the power to make those sorts of threats. You are old enough that he can kick you out and he doesn't have to pay for your school, but they are still obviously and clear threats.
Your father is obviously controlling and frankly, he sounds like he is threatened by your healthy relationship with your boyfriend, who actually has shown some support and respect your ability to choose for yourself.
A bit of advice:
Stop giving your father the benefit of the doubt. Stop being honest with him. If he uses your honesty as a weapon, he is no longer entitled to the honest truth about your personal, adult decisions.
Only you can decide if you are willing to risk the serious discomfort and family problems of continuing to date this guy. I wouldn't worry too much about your school - there are ways to access funds for education. But in the end, you have to decide whether you are willing to fight that fight or not.
EDIT in response to feedback:
Your father has shown a such degree of controlling impulses that is it possible - even likely - that he will never choose to acknowledge your ability to make choices for yourself, or your right to do so.
Please, do not waste your years trying to earn the love and respect of someone who will never give it to you. Accept that this is his shit, and his flaw, and find a way to be happy in spite of him, not because of his praise or insults.
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