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blackmailed by mistess
I am a 33 year old man and I have been having an affair regretfully with someone for 2 years. I have tried to break it off with her twice and she always threatens to tell my wife. As long as I am having sex with her she doesn't care about my marriage. I am continuing with the affair for the sake of my marriage and I don't know what to do.
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Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. In this instance you're damned if you and damned if you don't. You are fooling yourself to continue the affair to save your marriage. For either:
1. You really do not want to end the affair and using the threat of your wife finding out as a way of continuing it. or
2. By continuing the affair if your wife is not already suspicious; by continuing the affair gives her more opportunity to find out on her own.
Honesty being the best policy prepare to end the affair and come clean with your wife. If you want to save your marriage I suggest you have a good marriage counselor waiting to see you once you break the news. Be prepared with a place to stay if you wife asks you to move out and that does not mean going to the mistresses. You go to your parents or a siblings or a motel.
How you tell your wife is someplace away from the children, regardless of how old they may be. I cannot predict how your wife will react but she needs the privacy to react as she needs to. You need to let her react as she needs to provided no harm comes to either of you.
She is going to have questions, mostly of why, what drove you to another women. She is going to feel as if she has failed as a wife and a lover. I suggest you try to dissuade her from feeling this way. Ask her to go to the marriage counselor with you. If she refuses you go alone to start with.
This isn't going to be easy for you are going to hurt her badly though it is of a lesser hurt to hear it from you then to have here hear it from a friend or to find out for herself.
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Omg you poor soul. Seriously, tell your wife man. This isnt worth it. things might seem bad now but if you dont come clean before this lady does it for you then things will be much worse. Having a women on the side is seriously nothing but trouble, and it will NEVER end well. not if they know they can hold that over your head.
If you have kids with your wife, have them go away to the grand parents for the weekend or something and tell her you want to just spend some time alone with her and stay in. Then tell her when your alone together so that any little ones dont have to be exposed to what her emotional outcome will be.
If you still love your wife in ANY WAY you will tell her. Its not fair to stay in a relationship and pretend everything is still ok when its not. your wasting your time and hers when you could both be moving onto bigger and better things.
Try to tell her why you felt you had to do this, and if its a communication problem tell her you would not object to counseling if she wants to set that up for you guys (because obviously you wernt getting what you needed at home for whatever reason) and usually its a comm. problem. Do the counseling if thats what she would want and see if you two are still compatible with each other. We all know that people change through time and even married people are still people and still go through some things mentally alone because you havnt fused your brain with your spouse. lol. sometimes people just grow apart and thats what may have happened her because you obviously felt there was something in you that you needed and wasnt getting from her so you went to someone else who you thought COULD only to have that person turn on you.
The sooner you break things off with this vengeful lady the better. Go back to the person you made vows with to love forever and tell her everything. and like the other poster said, cry, beg on your knees, and hope to god she wont be devastated beyond belief by what youve done. Make this be the turning point in your relationship, buy her flowers all the time, tell her how amazing she is and how greatful your really are to have her, and learn to communicate with her because her heart is really all your going to have left at this point, so try to re-spark that flame you two had years ago and keep it that way.
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Unfortunately you can continue with the affair for the sake of your marriage,for another year or two, maybe even 5 years, BUT it will always come to the same point, that every time you try to break it off, she would threaten you, and when you decide to just come clean and tell your wife after another year or two or five, that will make it even worse and less possible for your wife to forgive you.
I'm pretty sure you did not get into this affair to be threatened or blackmailed, or to be unpleasant and increase your burdens, I'm sure you were looking for pleasure or a good time, or someone who would understand you, but then that's not how it turned out. It would be miserable for you to continue in this affair, when you probably no longer feel the same sexual way towards her, because you are just now sleeping with her because you're afraid and she's holding something against you.
I've been down that road, blackmail. And believe me, in my shoes, I had so many things I could hold against that person, much stronger than what he was holding against me, things to destroy his life, his home, his family, his marriage, BUT, because I was the better person, I chose not to hurt that person although this person wanted to hurted me. I could have blackmailed him back, so we would be even, and none would tell about the other, but in the end, he told on me and destroyed my own life, and I still did not hurt him by saying a word about things I knew about him.
She doesn't deserve that you be a better person than her, but again, right now, what you should think about is yourself and saving your marriage, you made a mistake, I'm not judging about having an affair, I'm saying you made a mistake by having an affair with the wrong person, so unfortunately and sadly you have to deal with it. You have to tell your wife, better it comes from you, than from the one you're having an affair with. Apologize, cry, beg for forgiveness, give excuses, but when you do come clean to your wife, DO NOT tell her that now your mistress is blackmailing you, cause she will only think that you came clean to her ONLY cause you were being blackmailed, and that otherwise, you would have continued in your affair and not bothered to tell her. Tell her in a way that shows that you woke up one day with regrets and just wanted to make everything right, and no matter what, it's always the truth that is best than anything else, because if we keep on lying, all the lies will pile up on one another and we will end up with an even bigger mess than how it started.
You might need more advice and support if you do choose to tell your wife, or if you do choose to continue with your affair, so let me know, feel free to contact me, if you need to talk more about it.
And by the way, you might think that your entire life will fall apart and things will be bad if you tell your wife, that's why you don't wanna tell her, but also, the feeling of living in constant fear of 'when is she gonna tell my wife?', this feeling is unbearable, there is nothing worse than the feeling of being blackmailed and threatened and living on edge.
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You need to tell your wife. Beg her forgiveness, and rededicated yourself to your marriage.
If you want to save your marriage, that is your only real option.
Either that, or you keep up with the affair until your mistress tells your wife, or wife finds out on her own.
The only way you can rob this blackmailing woman of any of her power, is to come clean to your wife. Until you do that, she will absolutely power of you and your marriage.
Until you are truthful with your wife, you have enslaved yourself and your wife, to this other woman.
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