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College + mom= headache!
My mom has always been a character- she's very organized, detailed and stubborn. She's been a housewife for the past 15 years because she raised me and my brother. After my parents divorced she's been unemployed and depressed. I try to encourage her to meet new people but she's scared of meeting new people.
When I decided to go to college, my mom was sad. For the first semester she visited me once a week and called or texted everyday. I yelled at her not to bring me food, but she still brought me food every week because I have a diet problem and she said I needed it so we argued a lot. Then she told me her financial situation is so bad, she needed to move in with me (I'm paying for my own housing). This is true so I let her move in.
However, since she's moved in, she's been driving me crazy. A lot of her habits are starting to really annoy me. For example, she spends a lot of time talking about depressing things like divorce, my dad's problems or criticizing everybody we know. She also is unable to take any form of criticism and will start telling me that I hate everything about her if I criticize her about little things.
I can't tell her to move out because that would make her homeless, and I'm the only person in my entire family who can stand living with her.
Any ideas on how I could make this situation more bearable? Thanks in advance
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
When a child becomes an adult, they become their own person now, no longer having to live under a parents idea's of what they believed best for you. So your ideas of how to keep house, how your prioritize your day, your life, your choices in boyfriends/men, your beliefs in religion/spiritual matters, in politics and world issues may differ very greatly from a parent.
When the differences are so great, sometimes it is not a good idea to live with a parent any longer in their home, even a worse decision to invite them into yours.
I am no psychologist but I know the following from life experiences:
Your mom may be one of those people who live in the past and just rehash all the experiences of the past because she is either unwilling to move forward in life, or afraid to, or feels unequipped mentally/emotionally to do so.
Some moms who pour their life into their children only and never take some time to develop their own interests and life at the same time, will experience that empty nest syndrome when children leave home and then react as your mom seems to have done, not able to be parted from you for long so she finds every excuse to have some kind of contact daily or weekly. She is for some reason not making the transition well to being a mom of adult children and allowing you to live your own way but instead trying to wiggle her way back into yours, thinking she is still mom but rather taking on the role of the child and making you stuck being her care taker.
If there is no other family, and she was totally disabled, I can see you ending up having no choice but to take on responsibility for her care.
Of the 'entire family' you mention, every one has been smart enough to stay clear of her for a reason. Being unemployed currently could be due to other issues that are causing her to be unable to hold a job mentally or emotionally...and depression just could be the reason. YOu dont say if she's ever seen a doctor or taken medication for it. But I would recommend her seeing a doctor and possibly get some counseling to deal with all the kids leaving home, learn how to begin to create her own different life now and how to face any fears that might be holding her back from doing so.
Neither you, nor I nor any of your family are experienced professionals capable of helping her.
I can say one thing for sure, if you continue to allow mom to stay with you, you are enabling her to remain stuck where she is. If she remains stuck...she will remain your total responsibility til the day she dies, and for to you for all her care, financial, emotional needs, physical needs, etc... etc....
You said: "I'm the only person in my entire family who can stand living with her." Yet from what you described what you are going through, I must say that is not the case...you can not stand living with her...that is why you are writing us. Please don't become stuck yourself by saying things to fool yourself that the situation isn't that bad a deal and can be bearable in its current configuration. That would be lying to yourself. We all do it at times. I have too. the thing is to recognize when its an untruth you've spoken, catch it and then, only then will you be ready to look at other possible options as a solution to your issue.
Also, is it truly the reason that she would be 'homeless' that you feel you can't tell her to move out, or is it because she is your 'mother'? Be honest with yourself. If there could be a place found for someone in her position and the issue of a place to live was solved...could you still ask her to move out or would you not do so because you know you'd feel too guilty? These are important questions to ask yourself. Remember it was her idea to ask you to take her in. This may have been a subconscious move to find a way to continue to stay where she is at emotionally.
Children do not often see or notice their parents faults, but since there was a divorce, it couldnt have been solely him that was the cause of it. From how you describe your mom, it seems obvious to me that she is a very difficult person for any human being to be able to get along with, let alone live with. I was married first time to a man with mental disorder that got worse over the years. Some of these mental disorders make it impossible for any relationship or marriage to last, it kills it, it can also make such a person impossible for any employer or co workers to work along side with. I am just guessing here, but dad possibly gave up on her cus she was unwilling to go for treatment to a professional to deal with her issues. Have you really talked to him and got his side of the story...theres always two sides. When a person has to talk negative all the time about another person, whether your dad or other people you know, it is a subconscious attempt by the person with a mental disorder to displace attention, taking attention off themselves so you never look close enough to see they have the issues but keep you so busy and your mind focused on the other people they are complaining about or 'pointing the finger at' as in look over here, dont look at me. I lived with that and once a friend got him to finally go see a counselor, only because I was threatening to leave, I heard from the counselor that if I was hoping for instant fixes, then i had to face reality. Many people who even do go for treatment/counseling take a long time to improve on one small point and many go the rest of their life never improving. The situation was so badly and constantly progressing worse that I knew the stress that was affecting my physical health because of it would kill me soon if I stayed, as I had experienced many serious illness and physical conditions already as a result of the stress.
Your body is not meant to handle that stress. You may have to do this alone but it would be good if you had other family helping you search for resources for someone in her condition and situation. The department of social and health services for your state and your county and city should have some ideas for you to check out. Perhaps there is emergency housing for women, or low income housing she can get on the wait list for. Usually though, the person needs to prove having a mental disablity or physical one to end up on it. I had a brother with schizophrenia and though he never had worked a job, he got social security checks and food stamps that covered his low income housing apt. and food needs. I used to be a paid care-giver for several mentally disabled adults and know that there are resources available to help someone in that position. IF and this is a big IF, there was a family member willing to become the caregiver for such a mentally or physically disabled family member, they could get training through their state and get a license to become the paid caregiver of that family member so it doesnt take away from your own financial resources. My brother in law is doing that for my sister. She has lots of illnesses that even prevent her from doing housework, shopping cooking...so he gets paid to do that for lack of agency workers to come in and do that and stills hold his day job.
But the key thing here is she needs to have a real mental or physical issue to qualify. There is a chance she may on the mental side of it. I knows the economy is tough but employment is on the upswing, so if she was really willing and went to an agency for help in job finding, new job training, how to do a proper resume, how to dress for success in finding work, etc....lots of that is free to those who come asking, even free office clothing available to choose from.
There is lots of ground work and research to be done, calls to be made and the family needs to band together and sit her down and tell her of her options, that continueing to stay with you is not an option. You'll all help her find help but she has to be willing to accept it. If not then she is on her own without a place to live and food to eat. If she shows that is what she would rather choose than going for help, financial, mental, counselling, foodstamps, housing, job search help, etc... then I'd guess that she has already given up on life and doesnt want to really live any longer. If she still had some desire to live and enjoy life, then she will take you all up on your support to help her find her own way in life without living with you, then thats the best deal of all.
Sorry this is long but I had provide all I knew from my own experiences in life to at least give you some things to think about.
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