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Past relationship affecting current one
A long time ago I was hurt very badly by someone who cheated on me. It took me a decade to recover from this and unfortunately it involved substance abuse (some illegal, some not) and a near death experience as a result. I also had to get tested for various STDs which was also very unpleasant and stressful.
I have moved on, and have found myself with a new man who I am very happy with. We live quite far apart which means that currently we only see each other at weekends and this doesn't allow our relationship to grow. A few weeks ago we discussed it and decided to move in together. During this discussion, one of the (many) reasons he gave for living together was that we only get to have physical relations on the weekends which is frustrating for both of us, and if it continued the way it is he would have to start to consider local options.
This has had a HORRIBLE effect on me. On the one hand I know we are solid as we both want to progress and moving in together is a massive step in the right direction. On the other hand, now all I can think about is that he is considering cheating on me, or has entertained the idea. So every time he mentions another woman he is spending time with (he sees a fair number of women on their own as part of his studies) my alarm bells start ringing. I hate that this has made me so stressed and I don't want to turn into "that" girlfriend who is always worried about who her man is seeing. Until that comment was made I was very confident and happy with our relationship and now I am just an insecure, emotional wreck!
What do I do? I don't want to lose him but I feel like my jealousy will drive him away if I don't get it under control. In my heart I know he won't do anything stupid (and if he does he will respect me enough to break it off before too much damage is caused) but I can't stop obsessing about it. I definitely don't want him to stop seeing these other women because this is something I need to change, not him.
I have spoken to him about it and he knows why I am stressing. He is being patient but I don't want this to become a bigger problem and would like to sort it out ASAP. Any thoughts?
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Yeah I have a thought alright and you are not going to like hearing it! This man is using emotional blackmail to get you do what he wants which is to give him a place to live and more sex! By giving him what he wants out of fear you have now established a pattern that he knows will work in any situation. I know you love him but this is NOT going to end well! Again I hate to be blunt, but this man does NOT care for you. Honey, someone who really loves you would never threaten you with cheating! No dear really, it's NOT you it's HIM! Please take my advice,and drop him like a lead balloon! Yes it will hurt for a while but I promise it will save you a thousand times more pain in the long run. It will also teach him the lesson he deserves for ever attempting to treat a woman that way. He may think he is God's gift but that boy is nothing but an empty box!
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You have a problem not so dissimilar to one my son has suffered from by a women who hurt him very deeply. This caused him to have trust issues as well as commitment issues. I will tell you what I told him and he finally realized.
The problem is really bigger than you can handle on your own. You need professional advice to put this problem where it belongs, which is behind you. I can sit here and type all day giving you reasons why not all men are cheaters.
Would it have been different if he said he would have to find a call girl to service his mid-week needs until you two could move in together? I don't know the answer to this question and I doubt you do. Is paying for sex cheating, I mean there is no love relation it is strictly mechanical.
Whether you see this question as him cheating or not and I really don't know if it is cheating or not. This question points out why it is nearly impossible for you to rid yourself of this problem without some professional intervention.
Visiting a psychologist has done wonders for my son. It has helped him realize the root cause of his commitment problems and what the cause of the problem truly was between him and the girl who hurt him so badly was.
What happens when we suffer a traumatic hurt is we package that hurt up and shove it unresolved into a corner of are mind hoping it will go away. We try to build a wall around it, as you may have done. Then a trigger happens such as these words from your boyfriend; "he would have to start to consider local options." This trigger unknowingly tore that wall down and opened the box causing everything to come pouring out. Now you have to deal with it all over again.
Had you dealt with it properly when you were first hurt, you could have packaged it up, put it away and when you heard those words from your boyfriend they would not have been a trigger. Instead you would have known how to deal with it.
You can still deal with this issue properly. You have been honest with this man and he sounds like a good man who wants to be supportive for you. Take the next step and contact a psychologist and make an appointment.
If you do not know a psychologist contact your Insurance Company for a list of providers. If your employer has an EAP plan start with them and the first visits are paid for under the EAP plan.
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If I understand correctly, he is still on-board as far as living together goes. So it's not a matter of him giving up right now to concentrate on other women for a relationship with.
You are right that your current situation doesn't allow for your relationship to grow. And because of that, What little you have seen each other is not enough to grow a solid trust in each other yet, nor for a long history together of knowing each others patterns and thoughts and having that mental intimacy, feeling safe and free to share anything. You're off to a good start having shared how you feel...as long as you are asking for support to get through any insecurities or worries rather than asking him to change who he is. You havent shared anything about him that would send up red flags at this point. Perhaps after a length of time living together you will get to know him even better and then know whether you have the kind of man you can build a loving lasting relationship with for the rest of your life or.
Personally, I would have to say he way of putting it, stating that physical relations is the most important thing to him, so important, that if he cant get it during the week from you, he'll break up with you and go for some other girl who lives close by.
I don't know what distance' you're talking about, but living together would mean choosing a rental place halfway between both points to be fair and keep your commutes to work within some kind of reasonable distance. When I met my 2nd husband, I moved in with him to have time because his work hours prevented him having time to see me and do the drive. So this added to my commute to work which grew from 10 to 45 minutes. If it's a terrific relationship and the perfect person for you, it's worth it. If you have a man who is more interested in finding a consistent sex partner than in falling in love with the right girl, then there's a problem. It will never be as good a relationship as you may have dreamed of having.It is totally up to you to settle for less if he is indeed all about having a sex partner. If a man were really ready to commit to a forever relationship whether marriage or not, then it would be equally important to him who you are at core, your personality. He may be a guy who is very inept at conversing with person or women and puts his foot in his mouth all the time and says times that come out insensitive or cruel when he didnt mean it. He can learn to improve. But if that is what he is at core and not willing to change, then his true character will be revealed in the living together stage. This is a good thing. As long as you make the right decision if he turns out to not be a good choice of partner in relationship. There's no way to protect your heart from not having feelings in case this doesnt work out.
On the other hand, if you feel so worried, inadequate and jealous just thinking about such situations, you're already on the losing end. You will need to have more self confidence. Not every person one meets and their heart is attracted to or developes feelings for may be the right person for us. We must not let our feelings of love cloud our judgement of the persons character.
Is it more important to him that he spend his time fulfilling your every need and wish and put you first in giving you pleasure or is it about him? Does the man compliment you, your talents and encourage and uphold you with his words and actions. If a man does this, his lady would not doubt his love for her and no person could ever come and lie to her that her man is fooling around and the lady believing it. A woman knows when a man truly loves and honors, respects and treasures her over any other woman because he tells her so all the time with his compliments and his telling her how important she is to him not to mention how he treats her that conveys the same. I have been married 5 years and the husband loves me so much that no other woman could ever matter, because he loves me as a total package, not just my looks or how wonderful I am in bed, but my humor, personality, spirituality, etc... the whole package.
So dear, make sure that this man of yours likes you as the whole package. If he doesn't you will continue to feel unsure, jealous and fear him cheating at some point.
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