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Did he find someone else or did he just get what he wanted?
21/f, 27/m
I posted a question up about a guy that I met online and was giving me mixed signals at first. We spoke about giving mixed signals and stuff afterward. I mentioned that I am not a "booty call" and that if he was looking for one, to look elsewhere. He told me that he hasn't done a "booty call" in years and that he does not know if we would work out or not, he just wanted to try it out and see.
Ever since that talk, things went back to normal. He was still a gentleman and we still spent time together. We went wine tasting but I apparently was a bit off because I had a lot on my mind. But technically, I felt like he was not sure if he was actually being truthful to me. Long story short, we had sex. I wanted to see if he was going to stop talking to me right afterward, he didn't. He told me that he still liked me and wanted me to stay the night. He still spoke to me everyday.
The last day I saw him was two days ago... He brought me back a rose from his trip. And hours later we went to his friend's house warming party. He kissed me, held my hand, etc in front of his friends. To be honest, I'm awkward in big groups of people. It takes me a while to warm up to them since the only person I knew was him. After the party, he told me it was okay that I was quiet and he understood.
He invited me to come in, when I did, we spoke, etc. I can tell that he wanted to have sex again but I told him it was a bad idea because 1) I needed to go home to take my birth control since I left it at home, 2) My sister came home this weekend and kept asking where I was along with her boyfriend, and 3) I could tell that he was tired and sleepy. I told him these reasons and his response was, "so what?" .... But I eventually did leave and he gave me a kiss before I walked out the door.
The next day, he did not text me at all. Which was strange because he always texts me. So, I texted him asking if he was okay and if I did anything wrong. He told me that he thought I said I was busy that day and I said, "not really." And then I asked what he was up to and he said, "working out. You?" I told him that I just got done having dinner with a friend and he was taking me somewhere. He said, "probably back to his house." And i said, "no. he's picking something up from his friend's house." and he said, "lol, ok". I asked if he was worried, he said "no" then "I'm going to sleep. Have a good one" which threw me off because he never says, "have a good one" he always says, "sweet dreams" with a kissy face.
I asked him if he was SURE that there was nothing wrong and he said he's sure and that he's great actually. It's become the second day and he still hasn't spoken to me. I noticed that he's become more active on the website that we met on so I was thinking maybe he met someone else? Did I do something wrong? Or was it true the whole time? I was just a booty call?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
At this moment, he seems to be willing to be whatever you ask, so worry more about what YOU want than what you might be to him. Do you even like him? Stop asking guys if you did anything wrong just because he didn't text--a serious discussion isn't going to entice someone to text you more often. What's more, you acted exactly how you felt comfortable, so there's no way it could have been wrong, even if it didn't please him. Never apologize for setting boundaries.
Seriously, pick up a copy of "The Rules." They're extreme, yes, crazy, even, but you're in need of some boundaries to maintain enough mystery to keep a guy--one you actually like--intrigued.
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This one isn't hard to figure out! He was fine right up until you told him you were having dinner with a male friend and then stopping at someone's house. I think he got the wrong impression and got jealous. Maybe he read more into your relationship than you realized and then he ended up kicking himself and feeling like a jerk when he realized he was not the only one you were going out with. The line"probably back to his house" says it all. He thinks you were going to have sex with this guy and he felt not only jealous but probably incredibly stupid!The two of you never really discussed whether or not you were exclusive, right? Unfortunately, I am pretty sure he assumed that was the case. I don't think he met someone else, he assumes you did! If you really like him give him a call and try to clear things up. Good luck!
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You didn't do anything 'wrong', but you need to be honest with yourself:
Did it really seem like you two were right for eachother?
It's unlikely that he 'just wanted sex', and you've given no reason for us to assume the worst of him. It seems like he was a pretty nice and understanding guy. What is does sound like is that you two struggled to get on the same wavelength, weren't really terribly excited about each other, and just generally didn't 'get' one another in that easy way people look for at the beginning of a relationship.
It's unfair to assume "Oh, he was just after sex." Most people, guys and girls, aren't trying to use other people like that. He probably was, and is, looking for a relationship, but just because both you are looking for a relationship doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with one another. It takes much more than that.
Do you really want to keep seeing him? Honestly? Don't imagine the person you think he might be with you months or years from now, think about the person is he now: He's affectionate and bold in front of others, he has different ideas and expectations about sex than you do, and the two of you obviously don't have complimentary communications habits.
You may like him, he sounds like a basically good guy, but is he really the guy for you? I'd put my money on 'no, he's not'.
I do need to agree with misspiggy a bit here: It does sound like you are taking this a bit too seriously, and are being insecure. It's not respectful or reasonable to think that every guy who might enjoy dating you, or sleeping with you is either going to love you forever, or else he was just using you. That's a bit crazy.
You are also way too focused on what he may be thinking or feeling (so focused you don't even believe him when he tells you!). Don't be that girl - that girl who is just grateful for any guy who shows interest in her and tries to 'keep' him no matter what. Instead, set standards for what you want in a guy and look for that. Don't always ask guys over and over again "Did I do something wrong?!" or "Is this working for you?", instead take a look at yourself and start telling saying "Okay, I like what I'm doing. Do I like what he's doing? Is this working for me?"
And when you do ask a guy those questions, believe what he says to you. That's just basic human respect.
A connection like this one, which seemed fine and good at first glance, but never really clicked, is exactly the kind where you should be able to say "Nope. Not working for me!" and let it fizzle out.
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You did not do anything wrong, but it sounds as though you are taking your relationship with this guy too seriously. In reality, this is a man that you have a friendly relationship with with zero strings attached. This sounds like a friends with benefits situation. And you are probably not the only woman he has been romancing.
But, don't take it personally. You sound like a lovely woman and it is his problem for not appreciating you. As I always say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or uninformed beholder a black eye.
Cheers!
Miss Piggy
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