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Is he talking to me just for sex?
21/f, 27/m
Hello,
I am currently talking to this guy. We actually just met online. I was interested in him and we went on a date and I thought it went alright. We recently went out again the second time and he kissed me. I have been getting mixed signals from him and I'm not sure what to think. These are what I have observed so far and reasons why I get mixed signals:
1. He sometimes talks about seeing meeting my family or coming to my house and having my mom make him this particular food he likes.
2. He holds my hand when walking in the street, driving in the car, etc. He also kisses me on the cheek, tells me I'm pretty and I have a cute personality.
3. He sometimes makes dirty jokes. Most of it relating to coming over to his house late at night and "doing stuff". He has been making those type of jokes since we first chatted online.
4. When he kisses me, he seems to be a bit aggressive and wouldn't let me pull back. The last time I saw him, he asked if I wanted to come in and "meet the dogs", yes he does have pets, but I'm sure he wanted to proceed further, I said no.
5. He listens to me when I talk, he's spoken to me about his issues before, his past, etc. Him in general doesn't come off as someone who would try to "get laid". He comes off as a gentleman when I talk to him.
6. He doesn't talk to me only on the weekdays, he speaks to me everyday.
7. I caught him getting online to meet girls, my guess is that he is trying to keep his options open but then it makes me wonder if I'm just someone he's planning to 'score' with and go back into the 'dating game'
He recently invited me to go to the symphony with him and I accepted. My manager was thinking that I have the ball in my court and that I should wait it out and see if he's looking for an actual relationship or that he's testing to see how far I would go.
I asked him if he was expecting anything from me (hoping he'd be completely honest), he said, "no. why would I expect anything from you? We just met." But he also told me that he's "open to anything." Even though the first day we met, he told me he was looking for someone be in a relationship.
What are you thoughts? What should I do?
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Your entire description of this guy was unsettling at best but #4 was the deal breaker for me! When you said he was aggressive and wouldn't let you pull back, red lights, sirens and warning signs all went off in my head at the same time! No guy should ever appear that desperate! Personally based on #4 alone I would drop him!
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With the six year difference in age, which is not all that great or has any real meaning here? I can see why you’re seeing some mixed signals coming from him, at least in the way you have presented them.
In any relationship there has to be good communication if the relationship is to succeed. No matter what the relationship type is, be it work, love or sexual; to succeed good communication is a must. Mixed signals, even those that may be possible perceived as a mixed signal, muddy the waters and work against a successful relationship.
If you like this guy and thing a loving, caring and sexual relationship is in the future with him. Then you need to talk to him, it is not too early in the relationship to talk. We play to many games today and he may be receiving signals that you don't know you're sending.
He sent one signal as I see it, "He sometimes talks about seeing meeting my family or coming to my house and having my mom make him this particular food he likes." To me this says he is looking for a long term relationship. What I see him saying is someday in the not too distant future I would like to meet your family and let them get to know me.
Why is this important? Most people will not stay in a relationship with someone their family does not approve of. He is seeking your families’ approval so that when and if you get to the point of going to the next level you already know how your family feels about him.
Is he being over eager? Maybe, in general this is not discussed on the first dates. Then again he is 27 and he may want to settle down and start raising a family with someone.
I would say you should do two things.
1. Try not to read into anything just take them at face value.
2. As I said if you see a loving and caring relationship building there is nothing wrong in sitting down and talking about the future together. Getting him to tell you what he wants for the future and you telling him what you desire in the future. Then you and only then will you know how compatible you may be on this level.
Don't make the mistake of going to bed together and find out your great in bed before you find out if you a great in all other ways. For great sex does not make for great marriages it is only one part of a marriage. Being able to communicate with each other is the biggest part of any relationship including marriage.
I know for I will be married 43 come June and communication has been the saving grace to our marriage.
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You've already gotten good advice. Wait it out and see if he's looking for an actual relationship or whether he's testing to see how far he can go with you. So far, other than dirty jokes, I don't see anything to worry about. It takes time to build trust in a partner, it can't happen overnight.
A guy who wants to take advantage of you is not going to hint at meeting your family or coming to your house and having mom make him this particular food he likes. So test him on it soon. Just tell the parents that you met a guy and would like to invite him for dinner to get their opinion of him.
There's also the consideration that since he is late 20's, he may be more sure of what his life goals are, what he wants out of life and a long term partner, and be serious about going after it.
You've only had two or so dates and are not at a point to make a commitment to date each other only yet. If he met you online...I dont know what venue, perhaps he has a dating site profile and thats how he meets girls, thats perfectly normal, not everyone dates several at once. After myI caught him getting online to meet girls divorce, I did not turn down any seriously good sounding prospects just because I had gone on dates with someone else several times. I had a boyfriend of 4 months steady when the guy who became my 2nd husband wrote me on the dating site. Interestingly enough, the 4 mo boyfriend had the same attitude about dating so when an old girlfriend called wanting to come back into his life for good, we parted ways. Your guy may be at this stage, no commitment yet to anyone but letting you know he's serious about wanting to be in a relationship.
If you can decide to give him some serious consideration, getting used to and comfortable with each other, perhaps you will find out enough to know if you'd make just a temporary dating pair or if he is potential long term partner( as in marriage) material.
You'll both want to share your hopes and dreams, goals in life, beliefs, etc...to see if they come close othir match. Can you become each others best friend? Thats one important thing for a healthy relationship. Ask yourself what you are looking for in a guy. Are you just beginning to wade in to the dating arena, not ready to get serious with any guy nor sexual with anyone. If you haven't yet sex yet with a partner, you're certainly old enough but you need to want to because you have feelings for the guy of love and desire. If not, it may be too soon or you're not a good sexual match and this is just as important for a healthy relationship.
And this brings me to his topics of sex and dirty jokes he brings up. He may have had enough sexual experience in his past to know what he likes and wants in his sex life. This may just be his way of gauging your reactions and seeing what you think if the topics. After you've been dating a while, you may want to face the topic head on. If you are timid or inexperienced and unsure of yourself, and have no clue yet what you like and don't like sexually, it might be a good idea to let him know at some point. Ask him what his dream partner would be like. If he doesn't describe sexual aspects, then ask him specifically what his dream sex partner would be like. Ask questions about anything you havent experienced, how important something is to him. At your age, he must expect that you will have less experience than him. He may not want to scare you away by bringing up the topic which is important to him and in any relationship between a couple. So it may eventually be up to you to bring it up when you get deeply enough interested that you know you don't want to lose him. Kissing is fine early on. Someone who looks attractive can feel wonderful kissing, or it can feel like kissing a kid sister or brother...no romantic feelings or desires ignited. Or one may feel it, the other may not. You don't want to waste time with someone where there is no romantic spark.
Take it slow, sounds like he's willing to go at your pace, has no expectations, just dating you for now to see where it leads.
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Well it looks liek he IS looking for a relationship but it also looks like your just seeing some of what his personality traits are. So if hes doing things you dont like, you can still pull back and say "i really like you but, i dont like when you (do this or that) in your own words obviously. or say that youve noticed, that this or that happened and it bothered you alittle, and just see what he says about it. If he says hes sorry and didnt know you felt that way, then you have no reason to believe hes not being honest right?
About the online dating thing. sometimes guys can fall into a pattern where even though they found someone they like, they'll continue to go on the same websites their used to and have grown a liking for. If youve just started dating then dont expect everything to be all about you when it comes to love. he might be just as unsure as you are right now and just doesnt know how to talk about it because hes a guy, or have the balls (like you do) to reach out and ask for advice.
so far everything sounds up to par.
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