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How do you know if you should give up on someone?
What do you do when your significant other is kind of a jerk but knows it and is depressed about it and trying to change?
My boyfriend is a complicated person. He is extremely smart, logical and straightforward. He is loyal, honest, and fair. But these qualities make him terrible with people and relationships. He just doesn't get niceties, emotions, or how to relate with people. He is kind of dry and very serious. He can't pretend to enjoy something is he doesn't.
This brings me to my problem. He has slowly been losing his friends because he's been depressed and realized that people don't like him because of the way he is. Everyone is put off by his nature and they think he always has a stick up his butt. I don't know what to do because to me he opens up about how much he doesn't want to be the way he is but he just doesn't understand/trust/believe in people. He's always gotten bad reactions from them. He is extremely afraid of ending up alone and clings to me because I'm the only one who understands.
Slowly my friends started noticing this and I've noticed they contact me less to hangout. It was minimal and I tried to ignore it until the other day they told me I wasn't allowed to invite him to hang out with them because they don't want him there.
I don't know what to do. I know he has issues but he is a good person that just doesn't get people. He is not disrespectful or rude or anything. I feel bad leaving him because I know he's good but I feel like I am losing all my friends because I'm choosing to stay with him.
I don't know what to do. They do understand he's difficult but it's not their problem to stick by him or me until he changes. I'm stuck. Help?
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I've always been a firm believer that true friends would ALWAYS be there and have your back no matter the situation. Friends just don't leave each other when their friendship is hard or get hard to be around each other. Maybe you both need new friends.
I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from because I too can be honest to the point of being rude, but I have a humor and I can joke around. And trust me, no one likes to be around whose always telling it like how it is. Most people can't take the truth, but if he doesn't want to be lonely then he needs to change. How? It'll take time. He just can't change within a day.
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Ok, ive actually been in this situation because my husband of now 13 years was this way almost exactly.
heres what i did. and my thoughts behind it.
first off, he must not be all that cold and misunderstanding of people if he is still with YOU. he HAS the option of walking away from you but doesnt, so i used that to my advantage. I slowly introduced him to situations, and showed him that even if he is self conscious about being around people (even in large groups) that he doesnt know them and they dont know him, and the chances of ever seeing ANY of these people again are very slim so it doesnt matter what he does or says while hes infront of them he'll probly never see them again anyway. ; ) thats option number one i used for when he said he didnt want to go out and do things because of his supposed fear of people or whatever.
secondly when he pissed me off because of issues that were tied to this, and he had previously said that he didnt want to end up alone. i would tell my husband "well if he keeps on acting the way he does with people then hes going to and that he needed to take a step back and look/think about what hes doing and saying to people before he says them. he since HAS and is wayyyy better for it. hes way less quiet and hostile with people because he knows that if i cant stand him (and im a VERYYY very loyal and understanding person) then NO BODY was going to want to be around him LET ALONE ME. so its time for a change and thats that.
This will not happen over night, my husband did not "come out of the box" like that and it took yearsss of training for me to slowly get him to where he is now. so stay strong with him when it comes to his anti-social behavior. you may have to put your foot down at times, but if your going to do that, then you need to lead the way even when it means him following behind you like puppy dog first so that he can see how to deal with things. i basically did a "lead by example" type plan, and he now handles things REALLY well, like a normal person. = )
sometimes they LITERALLY, need you to TELL them what to do one step at a time in order to be able to handle things. then when they come back you praise them for it and say "seee?? now how easy was that?!? you did great!"
if you need more help in the future i will be happy to help out, just pm me. ; ) good luck sweetie.
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Your boyfriend is complicated in the way he is. The best way you can do is not to leave your boyfriend. He needs you and you are the only one who can get along with him. If your another option is to leave him because of your friends, you are being so unfair not only to your boyfriend but to yourself.
Don't leave your boyfriend unless he trashes you already or hurt you. Encourage him to change not for you but for himself. If he decline to change something in his attitude or emotions, help him to understand the way why people treat him like that. As you've mentioned, he hardly trust and believe people and also he is afraid to end up being alone, probably he has anxiety disorder but just unnoticeable. Ask him about what bothers him and his difficulties and then talk to him about it briefly. If his problems are the cause to his situation now, probably he must seek a personal counselor about it.
He must see a counselor to help him figure out what to do and for him to able to cope up with his situation. And you too could evaluate yourself about him by seeing a counselor. He needs guidance and support, and yes you are there and his family but an expert about some narrow problems about him can dig up to his situation and can possibly help him through.
And also, for your friends, if they don't like him because of his personality or attitude, they don't care about it. If they don't want to hangout with you because of him explain them about it that your boyfriend needs support and thats why you are with him.
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