|
secret baby
Long story short I was dating a guy last year ended up pregnant and we broke up shortly after.. He threatened to take custody of the baby, threatened to have me jumped so I'd lose the baby, and also said when he gets visitation he would drown the baby.... Well I had to go to the hospital for cramping and he found out and assumed I gaff lost the baby so I just let him believe it and we haven't spoke since... Now I have a beautiful little baby and I can't help but feel guilty... Am I doing the right thing keeping my baby away from him and his psychotic behavior our am I doing the right thing to protect my little one.... Is it wrong that my son doesn't know his father it that this man has no idea he has a son? I feel terrible but on the other hand I feel I'm protecting my baby please help
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You have a unique question that actual breaks down into three parts. There is the law, which affects both of you as parents. The there is also reality and add to them the morality of right and wrong.
The Law: By law he has the right to know he is a father and to have visitation as well as certain custody rights if he wants them. Whether the court will award him any custody or visitation, supervised or unsupervised is really up to the courts as argued by the lawyers.
Then there is the matter of his legal responsibility to the baby in the manner of child support. Each state is a little different with its law in this regard as to just what his financial obligations are. Fact is the courts will decide based on the law just what you as custodial parent are due from him in financial support and what he must maintain in the manner of medical insurance and possibly life insurance for the term of his obligations.
Reality: You don't know what type of father he will be. You don't know if his threats were real or if he was just trying to scare you. I assume you never reported the threats so it is a he said she said thing. Do you have any witnesses to any of the threats you say he made. Unless the ex boyfriend has some type of police record for a judge to look at the judge may not take these threats into consideration.
The morality: The right and the wrong of it. For the sake of discussion lets just say while pregnant you had an accident and where in a coma. Lets take this a step further and say that the doctors took the baby and it survived. Since the doctors could not tell if you would ever wake up he took custody of the baby. When you awake from the coma no one tells you that you gave birth to a live baby. They let you assume you lost the child.
This is pretty close to the same scenario you're in now with the ex boy friend not knowing he has a son. Put yourself in this position and ask yourself how would you feel if sometime down the road you find out you have a son you never knew?
I or we cannot make this decision for you. What I can suggest is you see a lawyer. The lawyer can make sure that all the legal work is done so that he or she can fight for you to retain custodial custody and receive all the rights under the law that your ex is responsible for. The lawyer can also fight for supervised visitation should the ex want visitation until such time as the child is old enough to protect himself.
If you feel you would be in danger from your ex the lawyer can also ask the courts for an order of protection. The lawyer is also the best person to counsel you on this question as he or she know the law where you live and how it will affect you should you choose not to inform the ex.
]
First of all this sounds terrible, he is not a man. You really should mention this to someone incase it gets out of control and of course you are doing the right thing to protect your little one as a mother you would do anything if you don't want him to have any custody or to even be close to your child I suggest you speak to someone or the police! Be strong hunny you would get through this, hope I could help hun!
]
An advice-giver mentioned all she went thru to try to establish a connection between father and child. After I read that, it hit me: About the visitation rights and all that legal stuff, more often the mother does that to sooth her guilty feelings of thinking of leaving the sperm donor father out of the picture without taking into consideration how harmful it may be to a childs psyche, what actual need in the child is going to be fulfilled if any. Young children growing up need a healthy normal male figure in their life whether an adoptive father, (step dad) grandfather or uncle. What they do not need (I heard this from people who've gone through the experience) is infrequent supervised visitation meetings with the man whose sperm created them, because there is no connection there. It is an uncomfortable time spent in the presence of someone you know nothing about, attempting to talk to them...about what? Its like you walking up to a total stranger in the park and trying to talk to him with the same type of quality conversation as if he was your Dad or brother. It's a time most kids regret going through, especially the more off the scale of normal the sperm ddonor father is. There will also be no respect for a crazy or psychotic person or an ex-con on parole, etc...Who is really being helped by keeping a child away from someone like that? The child. Most mothers come with a built in protectiveness and defensiveness toward their children. In nature even, mother animals will protect their young to the point of harming or killing whatever they see as a threat toward their child. Human moms for the most part are like that too, whatever the threat, instinct takes over and wants to protect and shield the child. That's a natural instinct and is there for a reason...men don't have it to the extent women do if at all. The child is helpless in a cruel harsh world and relies on mother to fully protect him from anything that could harm him. If this man were to be told of the existence of the child, that is enough to be real threat to the childs life. You never said if this man was on medication and under the care of a mental healthy professional? If he has never done that, then he is still as dangerous as before. Court decreed visitation rights won't stop a deranged man from kidnapping his child or worse, killing it. Once he knows of its existence, you've opened a can of worms and can never go back to your child being fully safe especially considering a man who may not be under treatment for his issues or not responding to treatment. The only time it may become an issue is if your child develops a medical condition in which Drs need the medical history of both parents. But you deal with that if and when it happens.
It is not wrong for a helpless child to not know their birth father. If once the child turns about 25 and his/her brain has matured to be able to make good solid decisions, then if you feel he needs to know that he has a birth father he's never known, only then would I tell a child, never before then. An a mature adult, if the child wished to meet the father, it would be up to him/her. And as an adult they would be
Good luck and blessings to you
]
Well... is there a man the baby knows as father currently? because if there is, there is no need i dont believe from what you have just said. My daughter doesnt know her father either and she is perfectly fine. Not always will court change the minds of young and stupid fathers... i have taken my daughters father to court several times and he still doesnt do his visitation nor does he pay child support so all my time spent trying to make him apart of his daughters life wasnt worth it. But, if you feel the need to take him to court the judge can order a supervised visitation so the father cannot be alone with the child for the safety of the child. I dont believe you are doing a bad thing because if he wanted something to do with his child he would have inquired if you had actually lost the baby or he would have taken you to court. But, every child does deserve a daddy in there life.
]
More Questions: |