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Flakey friend who I care about - Not sure how to deal with it
I am 31 and from India. I have a friend who I happened to be very fond of. I enjoy hanging out and talking to her and in general she is a very decent and trustworthy person.
The thing about this friend that confuses me a lot is that she doesn’t respond to my messages most of the time and always cancels any plans that she makes with me. It doesn’t bother me if a friend who is not a close friend does it. But it bothers me when its one of my close friends as it honestly kinda hurts. Now I did at one point decide to not bother and that she may not consider me a close friend which was fine with me. But then suddenly she will do some gesture of friendship like inviting me to her kids birthday (with only a select few invited) or even mention several times in general conversation that I’m one of her close friends. Like the time when I had left my job and was moving abroad. She cancels again and doesn’t call. And just when I decided this was it and time to move her out of my life, one day before I left she texts telling me how sorry she is and that she had a blood pressure problem and hence couldn’t message and begging me not to stop talking to her. Then next day she visited me at my house before I left with a sweet card and gifts. So of course as usual I caved.
There are times she makes me feel like she considers me a friend and a lot of times when it just isn’t clear. Sometimes I feel like maybe she just doesn’t see me as a friend and is just feeling guilty to say no. But I don’t mind backing off and accepting that. But those few instances where she does tell me I am one of her very close friends gets me thinking: am I being too needy, am I failing to understand her? Like the message of her begging me not to stop talking to her, how can anyone ignore that
Because she always cancels, now what I do is I visit my old office to meet friends and I meet her as well. (the abroad thing didn’t work out and am back). In these cases she does make it to meet me and hang out. Also I do remind myself that she has a lot on her hands with the job (she’s had a promotion now), kid and since she is popular I’m assuming lot of people to take her time. I once did make a remark that I know you are busy so that’s why you keep cancelling. But she will say no that’s not it. And when I ask what then, she makes some other excuse. It would have been so much better if she just agreed cos it was she is super busy. Or when I once said oh I know you have so many friends who must be texting you that you cant keep up. And she says something like oh actually its not like that I don’t really have that many friends. Again I wish she just agreed cos then I cant understand why she cant reply. I have even told her how it was hard to tell if she considers me a friend and she seemed offended and said she shows it all the time. I left it at that as I said, she seemed offended.
I thought about it a lot and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and work around it. So if no rely, I ignore, if she cancels, I have backup plans etc. but then recently when I texted her saying I got a job in xyz company, she replies ‘Who is this?’. Another message ‘I lost some contacts on my phone’ and that’s it, no sorry no nothing. Why it pissed me off was, one: I think it is just rude to just ask who this is without any apology of losing the number (isn’t a person telling you about a job he/she got most probably someone close), second: if it was me who lost contact, my close friend would be the first I would check and then get the number on fb or through other friends. I feel this is disrespectful but I don’t know again if I’m just being unreasonable and needy.
I thought maybe the best thing to do is to demote the importance of her friendship. Keep her as a friend but not a close friend. Maybe I should also not reply to some of her texts or calls if I’m busy with something else and not get back to her. Also, will no longer make any plans with her or go out of my way to keep in touch.
I just wanted someone else’s opinion on this. I would have discussed this with my other friends but they already think she is kinda weird so I know they’ll just tell me to cut her off. Appreciate any advice. I wouldnt want to lose a good friend by being unreasonable
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I had to answer your question because I have been your friend, so to speak. She may be telling you the truth. She may be popular and seem to have a lot of friends, but she may actually be extremely introverted. Introverted people sometimes just have a really hard time getting out and doing things, even with people we care about. And I don't mean shy... she doesn't sound shy, from the way you describe her. She may just feel more comfortable at home, or in more comfortable surroundings. When she begs you not to stop asking her to do things, she probably sincerely means it. I imagine she has the best of intentions when she accepts the offers, but when the time actually comes she may go through some inner turmoil or anxiety and decide to beg off. I've been there. If you can, I'd suggest that you keep asking her to do things, and appreciate the time she does actually show up. Offer to meet her more often on her turf. It sounds like she appreciates your friendship very much, and I'm sure she would appreciate you not giving up on her.
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Friends are gifts. Close friends are precious gifts. But being close friends requires some reciprocal commitment and that appears to be lacking in the relationship you're describing, although perhaps not on your part. Both parties must ACT like close friends to validate a close friendship. My advice: Be the best friend you can be and if that draws her closer, she may at some point satisfy your definition of a Close Friend. In any case you still retain the gift of friendship on some level and that can only be a good thing!
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