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confused unrequited
here goes.
I am in my 20s, had relationships with guys and very much enjoyed them and plan to keep enjoying.
One niggling thing has got me very confused. One particular girl has me questioning my sexuality.
We met working together and thought her to be a kind, open person from the beginning. I admired her passion.
I noticed the way I acted around her. At first I believed it to be admiration of her work ethic and the effort she would pour in her work.
Started to overly look forward to going to work if i knew she would be there. Did my best to make her laugh if I thought her stressed, would always be aware where in the room she was, like 'pulling focus' on her, everything else faded in the background.
So i thought - i have a girl crush on her. I have known many straight girl friends have similar crushes with others so tried not to think about it too much.
We're now pretty good friends.
It is driving me slightly crazy. I have known her now for over 4 years been through a lot together and those feelings have not changed one bit. If anything as the friendship continues its making me love more about her. My heart breaks when she is upset. When shes angry, angry at me, bossy, patronizing, nothing changes.
Everyday things remind me of her, a certain time, place, discussion we talked about. I dream about her.
I repeatedly get those oh so cheese butterflies in the stomach when we meet. it is ridiculous!!
I don't get like this very often, a few times, all with men.
She is probably the most straight girl I know and have been on many a nights out with her, where we both, met and hooked up with guys.
Have to control the level of happiness I feel when i am around her in case i give anything away. And i do have to check myself because I don't want to jeopardize this friendship.
To make things more complicated: in the many years we chatted about anything and everything including crushes/unrequited loves. I have not been able to help myself in explaining how i felt about a 'certain' person to her.
This is a big part of the dilemma, the one person I would tell I cant because its about her!!! Such a cliche i know!!
I have come close to saying everything, she is bright, with enough hints she would get it. She has said on numerous occasions since that I could say anything to her and she would still be my friend. Even gave me a choice of answers, for me to not have to explain myself and just be done with it: a)getting serious with a guy [was involved with at the time] b) I'm Pregnant c) I'm Gay d)other
I know that if i turned around and said i was gay she would not care. Many of her best friends are gay and so has no problem with it at all.
Again the issue is more complicated then that. I don't think i am Gay, I like men too much!
My biggest fear is If i told her i might be bi and the reason is because of how i feel about her. She will awkwardly stay friends with me, drift apart till there is no friendship anymore.
I value this friendship too much.
My age tells me I cant reason it out as a 'hormonal/puberty curiousness'
from vary recently, we no longer work together, i thought that might alleviate things. Not seeing her for longer then a week, Stop the build up of affection I have for her. Doesn't work. After a month or so yes. As i rationalize how stupid my putting her on a pedestal is. Same way as people filter memories making them better then they really where.
So I think yeah no problem, reality will bring everything down, she cant have that much of an effect on someone. Turns out the first glimpse of her is enough to knock that logic over.
The issue broadens when I worry she thinks my unrequited love is a guy we both work with. She has told me many times she fancies him and for me to not give the name of my crush away and somewhat avoiding meeting her up for drinks if we are both free (though it kills me) could give her the impression I'm trying to hide my liking him and distancing her and as a result make our friendship less strong. which is the last thing i want. Ahhh!!
I dont know what to do with it all!! Keeps buzzing around my brain, many sleepless night.
Any advise welcomed
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This is a strange question for me to try to answer. Strange in the fact that it is the first of its type that I’ve seen and I have been answering questions on this site for many years. I am trying to think how I would feel if my best friend suddenly told he felt as you do towards your friend.
First of all I don’t think you are anywhere close to being gay and being bisexual is even a question since it is this one person you have these feelings for. Next is the fact your avoiding her letting her think the reason is something it is not. This by itself is going to ruin your relationship with her. So what do you have to lose by telling her the truth. To my mind you may have more to gain than to lose. Do you know her well enough to know if she has any bisexual interests of her own that she may not have shared with you? Telling her what you’re holding back with could be a nothing ventured nothing gained situation.
Ask her to meet you some place quiet where you can have a quiet conversation. I would start by saying something like; “Grace your right I have been holding something back from you and it is not what you think.” “You may hate me for what I’m going to tell you but in a way it is better that you hate me for the right reason than the wrong reason.” “You know I like guys and I never thought about doing anything with women, sexually.” (Here comes the big part) Then I met someone who almost from the beginning as we became closer as friends my feelings for the person just exploded.” “I really have no desire to seduce this person but also I am so excited when around her I have almost no self-control.” “Grace that person is you.” Of course you put what I have written into your own words.
Then just sit there and give her time to absorb what you just said. She may be shocked, she may even be relieved . Her relief could be two fold. One: She could have similar feelings for you and had no idea how to approach you either. Two: Relieved that it is now out in the open and you two can now talk about it. By coming out and telling her you have reduced that 800 pound lion down to a pussy cat and if she is the friend you wrote about then I think once she gets over the initial shock of what you told her. You can have a conversation about it. Just how that conversation will go I can’t say, though I get the feeling she is not going to go screaming out of where ever you are.
My suggestion is that at this point you have much more to gain than to lose so I believe you should have a quiet conversation with your friend and tell her what is coming between you.
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I think you have to tell her honestly what you're feeling about her. There are two possible result when you told her your feelings, either she will keep a distance from you or she will accept your feelings. The second one is good but the first is worse I know. You could choose, lost her because you're not telling her the truth or lost her because you told her the truth. Which is which????
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HI There,
I know that it is possible for two females to be such close friends, closer than twin sisters, that they feel things with each other, can't stand being apart and always thinking of, would do anything for the other, etc... but the two are not sexually excited by each other. Yes this is a special kind of love.A crush isn't forever love, but girls can have a long term non crush real deep love for each other without it being sexual.
Bi sexual or gay women want and desire other women sexually and are sexually stimulated by them. This is different from looking at a female one admires so deeply they feel overwhelming feelings of love for but not sex.
I don't know to what extent you are feeling things with her so I can't be the judge. Bi sexual doesnt necessarily mean that you are going to be into alot of women, it may be only one. How life goes for a bi woman can go many ways.
The majority of bi women I know, do not like men too much but met one they are head over heels in love with/married to, and it works, but they have many female friends/sex partners. There are bi women also who are more in what is called a polyamory situation.They have their male partner and maybe a couple other guys they are in relationship with/sex too and there is just one special female that they are deep loving sexual partners with.
You won't know which way it will go for you until you venture out and start to mingle with such people to discover for yourself.
Don't be concerned over having to have some label for yourself. All variations are normal. Your friend sounds like she is pretty level headed and wouldn't spook out if you worded things right.
The best thing I can recommend is the same advice I've seen relationship experts give guys and gals when they want to confess that they are in love to someone. The best way is to tell them that you are beginning to develop deeper feelings for her. If it were a guy, you'd say the same thing and explain it with, "to me it feels like stronger than just friendship feelings. If her curiousity isn't piqued by that prompting her to ask you to give examples, or what do you mean by stronger feelings, then you know she subconsciously doesnt want to hear it, wants to ignore it, so do not say anything, but if she asks, tell her. Tell her the details as if she was a 3rd person that you were asking their opinion of. Tell her if she asks, what you told us. Then ask her what she thinks it all means. Does she think you could be just developing a deep friendship love or could it be bi sexual?
You also need to keep in mind that as in heterosexual dating, even then there will be one partner really into the other developing deeper feelings while for the other, they love the person but just don't feel any sexual attraction. There is nothing that can be done to change that and make the one person who isn't attracted that way, become attracted that way. It shouldn't mean dropping the friendship totally if that one element isn't there. The area of relationships is tricky and most of us learn simply by going thru the experiences, not running and hiding from them. While there may be some guidelines such as the advice i gave of how to start the conversation, what continues to happen from there on, is so varied, that there just couldn't be a relationship book that could cover every angle, every response, every possible thing said. You will need to go with your gut feeling of what seems right to do and to say, or not.
Best wishes to you dear.
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