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My Education VS Boyfirend
Thanks for helping… I am a 21 year old Female. I met a guy in the Army online almost a year ago. We have met before; however majority of our relationship has been long distance. He is in Hawaii and I am in Florida. He has 3 more years in his contract and he hopes to reenlist.
My dilemma is that I want to move to Hawaii and be with him and hopefully get married one day. WHAT IS STOPPING ME? 1. I just got accepted to a master’s program to become a teacher. Long story short, we stopped communicating for a while and I tried to move on with my life. The program is going to take about 2 years to complete 2. Hawaii is so far and I've never moved so far from my support system/family. 3. I'm scared, and honestly couldn't see myself making such a huge leap.
However, I love this guy. I’m young and I feel like these should be my happiest years. Even though I am about to accomplish a huge goal in my life (graduating with my bachelor's in Psychology) I’m still not happy. I feel alone and empty, and simply by talking to him I feel like I mean something that I’m important. Being a psych major, I know that all of our feelings and action derive from somewhere.
I don’t want it to seem like I need a guy to give my life meaning. I have goals and dreams of my own. I want to work in education so eventually I plan to get me doctorates. I just feel like life is too short to continue doing the same thing when I’m not happy. He wants me to come to Hawaii, but he also wants me to do what’s best for me. Which would be staying in Florida to get my master’s.
My ideal course of action: Graduate in May. Find a job in Florida and work, so I can save money. Also, so I can gain experience, so when I move to Hawaii finding a job would be less difficult. Before this year is over I move to Hawaii, work, and continue my education. I want to spend my life with him, so marriage will fit in somewhere.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Get education first! If he really loves you he'll stick with you through education.
personally
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Education is definitely what I would choose, I understand that you are in love but on the other hand I would never pass up an opportunity to pursue a career you've worked hard for. Is it possible you could expand the opportunity into the state of Hawaii?
Here are a few things to think about, IF it didn't work out between you and him when you moved do you have a backup plan? Would you financially be able to live independently on your own?
In my eyes, Everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be then it will. I wouldn't sacrifice my education or my career. In the long run what would be best for you, Sometimes it's not always about what you want.
If you feel it is beneficial to you too move, Then do so. Add up the plus and the negs and decide...
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Did your psychology teach anything about how the human mind will fantasize to fill in the empty spaces about anything that we don't have enough information on or enough sensory input? Thats an important piece to know in life.
So whether an LDR on line or doing on line dating in your local area, the more time that is spent pursuing a relationship on-line, the less real it becomes because the biggest part of it is all imagined. And yet we will trick ourselves into believing its real because its something we want. I know, because I have experience in that.
The only way to really learn about another person is face to face, in person, hanging out 24/7, seeing if their actions support their words, promises and beliefs, how they act when happy, sad, angry, upset, etc... A computer screen does not tell you that. Pretty words are cheap, can they back it up with actions? You won't know until you are spending close to 24/7 in their presence.
Something else I experienced: A person as nice as they can be online, can be hiding things, or embellish certain things about themselves because they figure once you do meet, that when you discover that they aren't what you stated you must have (in my case non smoker and someone into natural health, healthy food, and exercise...) they think in person, you'll be willing to let those things slide. Some I met in person, I found were heavy smokers, or obese, etc...things I was led to believe on line and in phone calls that they did not smoke or eat junk food diet. And these were the ones I chose to meet as soon as possible after a few days or a week of talking online.
I learned to use the computer only as a tool to hear about a guy, not to evaluate if he met the standards I had set. I had been previously married, and knew what I wanted to avoid now in many areas.
Some guys were good at hiding mental problems, anger problems etc...and that didn't show until the 3rd date. At that point I dumped them and continued on. I was divorced from an abusive husband and knew what warning signs to look for now but there is no way to see these warning signs over the computer.
You already know you'd be away from your support system if you moved to live near him or with him and that puts you in a precarious position if he doesnt end up being all you thought he might be. You dont want to end up settling for less or someone you actually have chemistry with on line but not in person...the pheremone thing in common, can't be discovered online but in person and can take more than one or two meetings to realize whether it is there. What some think may be that chemistry is actually new relationship energy. Many girls a couple years older than you and in a relationship/married or not are finding their intense feelings faded away after 6 mos and so did his.
Your guy is in the military, and until a guy is at the point where he is not re enlisting, its a strain on a relationship that has been long established, even harder on a brand new one such as my oldest daughter who married a Navy man. If all went well and you married, you'd have to suffer great loneliness as she did, something you're already complaining and concerned about. Its lonely being the wife of a military guy, ask any girls your age who are married to one. The only people who will know how they feel is other military wives they befriend and they are a poor substitute for having the man in your life 24/7, a guy who is able to be there for you to comfort you when you're upset, cuddle up when you're cold, and kiss you to make you feel special and loved.
But of course, all the things I mentioned, only happen to Other people. They would never ever happen to you. Why? You have a 100% GUARANTEE, that it won't happen to you....although I already know from experience that knowing it will never happen to me and being 100% sure, is stupid because this 100% guarantee is issued by my subconscious mind, where all my emotions and feelings are and also my wants and desires. So my subconscious, knowing what I want sooo badly...will do anything to make it happen in order that I can be 'happy', even if it means taking big risks, and ignoring what I have to lose, in order to gain what I wanted. This kind of decision needs to be made with your conscious mind too, fully aware of all the possibilities, good and bad...not pushed ramrod through to the conclusion of ending up in Hawaii to be with this guy by your subconscious mind which often can act before thinking, like a little child. In fact I consider my subconscious to be my inner child. A parent knows what happens when a child is allowed to run the show so to speak or run the home. Everything will end up out of control and miserable for all involved.
If your inner child is also allowed total control and decision making powers over your future, you could just possibly end up with a sh#t-load of troubles cus our subconscious or inner child does not always make the most sound decisions.
Then of course, there's nothing better than the school of hard knocks for some of us. Once you experience some of the realities(not fantasies) of life, it will be easier for you to know that the psychology was great information but didn't always make as great a connection understanding wise, until you began to go through some of lifes experiences. Only then will the psychology make sense. And the moment it does dear, no matter what way you choose to direct your future path, as soon as you know if it was a good or wrong decision act accordingly...stick with it if it was a good decision, or bail immediately if it wasn't.
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What's the hurry? Ask yourself if your education is worth the empty feeling. I think it is. You're relationship, assuming it's worth what I imagine it is, will be there at the end of it. Do what you need to do. Build a support for yourself with your education and start your life at the end of it. They say life is too short, but you can find yourself with regret more easily one might think.
Keep in mind, yes, you're young, but I'm 29 and I'm still considered young. You may not realize it now, but you have plenty of youth to get through before you run out of it. You have time, so I'd use it to prepare for the future. You're relationship sounds strong, it can certainly survive the wait.
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