|
sister says dad molested her
So, my dad went to prison 14 years ago (unrelated to any of this) and just got out last month. He's made attempts to contact me and my brother; we both decided to have dinner with him and have already done that.
My sister, for many years, has said that our dad molested her for years. None of this was investigated, there were no witnesses, it's all on her word.
It's an awful situation. I feel a huge loyalty to my sister, I love her so much obviously. I can only imagine what it'd be like, the betrayal to see your bothers do that to you and be around your molester. However, no one knows this actually happened, and I feel like it'd be unfair to cut my dad out of my life because of my sister's, well frankly, accusations.
I don't know what to do. Nothing was ever proven but why would someone lie about that?
Any advice on the subject would be much appreciated
thanks
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I think you owe to your sister to take her account as credible.
You've suggested no reason to believe she made it up, or that she has any habit or underlying mental illness that would make you skeptical of her account.
These may be just be 'accusations' under the law, but you are not a judge or a prosecutor. You are her brother. Her word should carry far more with weight with you, unless you have a very, very serious reason to doubt her ability to honestly report what happened.
Frankly, she is owed not just your loyalty, but your belief.
Which doesn't necessarily mean you should never speak to your father again, but it does mean you should consider your sister's feelings on the matter very seriously, and speak to her openly about the kind of relationship you are going to have with your father. You'll be in the strongest position to honour both her and yourself if you believe her utterly, and still wish to have some sort of contact with your father (while also respecting completely and utterly if she chooses not too).
It wouldn't be 'unfair' to cut your father out of your life entirely. People do not automatically 'deserve' any family relationship just because they are genetically related to you. Instead, think about what you personally want from a relationship with this man, not about what he deserves. Your sister will likely be able to better accept your choice if you make it for your own sake, not because you think this man is owed anything from you (and he probably isn't owed a thing.)
If you want some sort of a relationship with your father, even though he molested your sister, that is a choice you can make for yourself. Maybe your sister will not be able to accept that choice, but if you can also respect her, make that choice for yourself (not for him) then she might be able to understand. I have to say tho, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't choose to invite someone into my life who I believed has sexually abused a family member.
]
This could be a tough situation for you. After 14 years without your father it is understandable that you would want to get reacquainted with him. On the other hand you also have no reason not to believe your sister.
For me the answer is simple. I would believe your sister. Why, for the simple reason that molested children have a tendency not to tell anyone of the molestation while it is happening. When they are older and realize what happened to them was wrong they are embarrassed to say anything. In your sisters case her molester was already in jail and could no longer harm her so she had no reason to come forward.
You're right it is a he said she said situation as it always is in situations where an adult molests a child. You are also wondering why your dad molested her and not you. This I would say is the thought behind you considering if your sister is lying. I don't have a good answer for that question though I do believe your sister.
What to do about this. For your sister, now that it is out in the open. If she wants she can check to see if she can still file a criminal complaint. Some states do not have a statute of limitation on child molestation.
For you and your brother you are now in a position of, do you divide your loyalties or do you stand behind your sister. For me the answer would be simple I would stand behind my sister. The answer may not be that simple for you and your brother and it would be wrong of me or anyone else to tell you what to do.
The answer lies in whether or not you believe your sister. When you decide that question you will know what the right thing to do is.
]
...well I could give you two different answers. It could be to believe in your sister who you have been or choose to believe in your father who you never been with for 14 years. They will both be hurt in the end. I think, you don't really believe in your sister, maybe you never really knew her at all. As for your father, how much do you know him? I know how much you want to meet him.
Maybe it is also your selfish needs that you cannot believe your sister. She could be right after all but I think the question is, WHAT IF SHE"S TELLING THE TRUTH????? God has reasons why your father went to jail...
]
I find it hard to believe that your sister would just come up with a lie like that. How old is she? Is she an adult?
I understand this is your father and you have every right to have him in your life but you need to decide for yourself if he should be "actively" involved or if you want him to be involved to a certain extent. Again, Why was this man in prison? What was the severity of the case? This would all determine on how much I would want him involved in my life.
Is your sister a liar? Is she a trustworthy person? Again, This would determine on whether I would believe her or not. Even so, I wouldn't shut the door on her statements as even a liar could tell the truth when they were molested. I would keep it in the back of your mind and be a bit cautious around your father. Learn to make boundaries and keep them and even leave some things in your life to yourself and not repeated.
]
More Questions: |