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Boyfriend Trust and Porn
So long story short my boyfriend watches porn. It hurts my feelings an it makes me not feel wanted or not what he wants. I found a lot on blondes like hot an sexy blonde blonde this blonde that. But I'm not blonde. He said he didn't kno why the blonde but he has made a comment to me about he wants my blonde back an such. Also why having sex he was like saying stuff about squirting the whole time an he knows I don't squirt? He has done a few things like this an now I'm even more insecure. I also see him looking at other girls butts constantly while were out. I don't do any of this to him and I don't play with myself to other guys. He used to look at pictures which hurt me more then porn but he says now he just does porn? I just don't understand an I'm not the controlling type but I need advice. I don't do so why does he?
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Mine was like that too in some ways and all you can really do is tell him how he makes you feel about that stuff and that he needs to respect you.
~PJC
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Probably about 98% of guys look at porn. Those who claim not to are most likely lying about it.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then he should have the courtesy to keep it private (and likewise, you should not pry into it). If he's doing it right in front of you while knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, that's rude and thoughtless behavior on his part and shows a lack of respect for you. If he's checking out porn while he's alone and you only know about his preferences because you're looking through his computer, then you're the one breaching HIS privacy.
Also, remember that porn is about fantasy and does not necessarily reflect what a person wants in real life. I enjoyed the movie "The Avengers", but I sure wouldn't want to actually LIVE in that universe! Likewise, his preferences when it comes to porn are not necessarily reflective of what he might want in reality. Women in porn are generally hyper-enthusiastic about sex and want it all the time; most men don't actually want this when it comes to a real relationship with a real person.
Insofar as the blonde thing... well, clearly he has a thing for blonde hair. As such preferences go, that's a pretty benign one. I'd say, why not invest in some hair-lightening product and give him a little of what he likes? It's easy enough to change the color back again if you find you don't like it. I don't think there's anything wrong with changing small details about one's appearance to please a boyfriend/girlfriend, especially if they're easy things to change back again. If a girlfriend had told me (for instance) that she found a beard to be attractive, I would have happily grown one for her. Why not? Indulge him in this, and then feel free to ask something of him in return. He may be enthusiastic about fulfilling some fantasy of yours.
As for squirting... that's mostly a myth. It's totally faked in the porn movies, and even when it does happen in real life, it's very subtle. For him to say that he wants that from you would be similar to you saying that you'd like him to use the Force. You can safely tell him that this is never going to happen, and he might as well stop wanting it because no woman will ever be able to give it to him.
You say that you don't indulge in porn yourself. That's fairly typical. Men tend to be more turned on by visual and auditory stimuli, while women are generally more affected by emotional stimuli and romantic gestures. That's why men look at porn, while the vast majority of romance novels are bought and read by women.
Checking out other girls is another matter. I can assure you that the day he stops finding other girls interesting is the day he's lost interest in you as well. Now, common courtesy demands that he be discreet about it and that he should focus primarily on you; if he's going out of his way to check out other girls and/or comparing them to you and finding you wanting, then he's being rude and inconsiderate of your feelings, and you should not have to put up with that. If he's just glancing to the side every so often because an attractive posterior walks by, then he is a normal, healthy male human being.
Bottom line: you should certainly insist that he treat you with respect and courtesy; and that means he should keep any sidelong glances brief, that any porn-watching he does is done in private, and that he shouldn't expect you to fulfill all his fantasies - particularly the impossible ones. In return, you must accept that his glancing at other women does not mean he finds you unattractive; that how he gets himself off when he's alone is essentially his business; and that there's nothing wrong with giving him what he likes sometimes - provided, of course, that he's willing to do the same for you.
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He watches porn because he likes it. He doesn't see anything wrong with it.
Your opinion and values are different from his. I know a lot of people who watch porn and I know couples who watch porn together so really, it's just a preference.
If you're not cool with him watching porn, don't expect him to change. You'll just end up unhappy and he'll end up doing it in secret.
So if this is causing you to become insecure you should probably talk to him about it. Don't accuse him of doing something wrong, because he doesn't see it that way and he won't listen to you. You pretty much just need reassurance. Tell him that you know he finds blonde hair attractive but you don't want to change your hair color. Not all girls can squirt. Tell him that he needs to educate himself on that subject more rather than just porn.
As for checking out girls, that will happen with every guy. But in my opinion, it's rude to do it while the girlfriend is there. You should tell him that it's just making you insecure and you'd like for him to stop and not check out other girls when you're with him.
If you don't have trust in your relationship, it won't last. So you need to have this conversation with him, work it out or break up.
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There are a couple of things at work here. First your dislike of porn only amplifies the situation. Most people and this includes men women and couples watch porn today. There are various reasons why they watch it from instructional reasons to titillation. Your dislike of it because you feel it demeans you or makes you feel not wanted is at the base of the problem. Then your boyfriend is being both rude and a jerk about his porn watching and what he gets from it.
Squirting is, when shown on a porn film, mostly trick photography. There is very few if any women that can truly squirt as shown in most porn films. If he believes what he sees in the film then he needs to be educated about women, their anatomy and what they are capable of.
As for looking at other girls butts. I will tell you what my wife told me on the day we were married. She said; "you can look at the menu all you want, if you ever reorder I will cut off a very important appendage of yours." I assure you my wife was not referring to an arm or leg.
We are men if a women walks by and she has a good looking butt swaying as she walks we are going to look. If she has a good chest on her we are going to look. I look and I'm over 65 but for 42 years I have looked and come home every night to sleep with my wife and she is the only one I have had sex with since we married.
If you think porn is demeaning to the actors forget that. No one is forcing them to act in these pictures and they are very well paid to perform, Many make well over 6 figures a year making only 10 or 12 pictures a year. In fact for every actor who is performing there are 10 or more waiting for the chance to act in these pictures.
Your values are your values and I would never suggest you change them. In this case though I would suggest you think about how you feel about pornographic films and what or how it effects how you feel about yourself. Your current boyfriend is not typical of how most men view pornography. For most of us it is simply titillating entertainment.
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He watches porn because he likes it, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's also not your problem.
Every guy I've ever dated watched porn - but none of them were confused about porn and real women. They understood that most women don't 'squirt' or do many of the other things which are popular in porn.
Although I have had boyfriend express preference about my hair, I've never felt pressured by any of them, and although I know they check out other women, it's never crossed the line to rudeness.
So porn isn't your problem. Lost of people - most people actually - engage with pornography in healthy and respectful ways. Your problems with your boyfriend are behaviour which actually have very little to do with his pornography choices.
If you want the BEHAVIOUR to stop, talk to your boyfriend about the behaviour - not the porn. Yes, you also have some insecurities going on here, and it's difficult for us here online to figure out which of these issues are stemming from your insecurities and what is stemming from his rudeness, but you've it's perfectly valid to ask him to cut it out on the rudeness. Porn doesn't turn men into over-sex, rude little jerks. They do that, or don't do it, all their own.
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