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Not sure if Im happy anymore. (kinda long)
My boyfriend and I have lived together now for about 6 months. We have been together for 4 years. I feel like has changed so much since we got together. He doesn't like the same things anymore, his attitude is different, it's like he's a different person. We can't hold a conversation now because he doesn't care about anything i do anymore, it seems.
He just did this thing where he searched through my facebook messages and found a conversation with an ex, about a year old. This conversation was my ex trying to get back together with me and me saying "i have a boyfriend, its not going to work". And my boyfriend freaked out. He wouldn't talk to me for like 8 hours. I always tell him that if there's something bothering him to please please talk to me. And he just sat in bed for 8 hours and wouldn't look at me, or talk to me or anything. I was about to leave all together because i thought he hated me. and finally at the last second he said something. He won't talk to me about stuff, for some reason he can't communicate when there's a problem. And communication is a huge relationship factor for me. He always says "ill start talking to you when there's a problem" but then he just never does. And I almost walked out because of it!
Last night he was telling me about how he's sooo unhappy because i annoy him. He said that the reason he's unhappy is becaue I leave my tooth floss out sometimes, i drank milk that he bought, i use the tv to watch what I want when i come home from work, and when we're driving together, i comment on his driving. Which to me are very miniscule things, not things to be depressed about. Plus, he has never mentioned them to me before. If he had said something, I wouldnt keep doing it, im not that kind of person.
And furthermore, its my apartment, i pay full rent and bills, he buys food occasionally when his parents give him money. He won't even go apply for food stamps even though we can barely survive on my income. I own the tv and im only home from work for like 3 hours before i go to bed so he has all day to watch tv. And he just learned how to drive my car, it's a stick. So i do comment on his driving, but only when im trying to help him or if he's doing something wrong. When he moved in, we agreed that I would go to work while he looks for a job and he will take care of the apartment (cleaning) in the meantime. Which he does hardly at all. when he "cleans" he just loads the dishwasher. which is great. But then I get home from a long day at work and I have to sweep, vaccum, wipe the counters down, take out the trash, clean the cats' literboxes. And I ask him to do more but he just doesnt.
Lastly, i have always been supportive and encourage him. He doesnt have a job and he gets depressed when he gets turned down for one. And every time, I say "dont worry, you'll get one eventually, stay positive" things like that. I am extremely supportive and wouldnt ever say anything to hurt him. He says that he is depressed, he lacks confidence, he doesnt know how to interact with people anymore, he can't sleep. And I support him through all of it, but I can only sit there and watch someone be unhappy and NOT try to change it for so long. Im the kind of person that if im unhappy, i find out whats making me unhappy and change it. He would rather just wallow in his misery and be a victim. Im so tired of being a mom saying "there there, it will be alright".
Maybe im being a little harsh, i want him to be happy. But equally important, I want to be happy. It's hard to sit here and watch someone you love become a totally different person.
Im just stuck and not sure what i should do :(
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It sounds like he's much younger than you but that's not for me to judge. I think that there's only so much support that you can give. From reading your story I have a feeling that your partner has given up on this relationship. I mean he's achieved his goal, he moved in with you and to be honest why would he change things if everything is already made for him. You said that he doesn't have a job and that he hardly does anything at home. That's just pathetic and if I was you I would make up some grand rules as it seems that you're doing everything around him. I mean what is e a prince, can't he get off his bloody backside and help you. I mean great that you support him but where is his support or some sort of understanding of your person. I don't think that you're being harsh at all and it's nice that you want him to be happy but what about yourself. You deserve way better than this. So here's what I'd do:
Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you don't care, that he either sits through and hears what you have to say or you're leaving him for good. You tell him that you're tired of this relationship where it is only you who puts all the effort. You tell him to get his act together or he'll lose you for good. If he can't find a job than he'll have to do the housework. If he wants to be in a relationship than he'll have to help you out as you can't do this alone. Oh and about that ex of yours use him as an argument. Tell your partner that maybe it wont be such a bad idea to get back together with him as you have enough of this one way relationship.
Sorry if it a bit lengthy but we women have to stick together. I mean you deserve way better. Hope everything works out for you whichever way. Most importantly I hope that you'll be happy again. My fingers are crossed for you so good luck and let me know how it went.
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In your entire explanation, I could find not one positive thing you had to say about the person he is now.
Until we are tested and challenged in life, we won't really know what our strengths and weaknesses are. The guy you knew before had not yet been tested to know what his strengths and weaknesses are. Now he is crumpling under the pressure. I can't promise that the world economy is going to get better anytime soon. So people need to find ways to still get joy out of life and make do with less and get creative on finding ways to eek out a living. Almost everyone is in the same boat now.
You seem a mature upbeat person. If you want a chance of surviving a tough world future ahead, wouldn't you rather have someone at your side who can carry their own weight emotionally and financially as best as possible? I know you developed feelings for him. But a healthy relationship requires both parties putting in maximum effort to make it so. Right now I'd say you already know the right path to take, your gut feeling is telling you, you just wanted to know whether anyone else saw it too. Good luck dear.
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In my opinion, I just think you guys are too different.
He's getting annoyed over small things that are ok to be annoyed with, but he needs to move on from it to be able to be in a happy relationship with you.
It's good that you're supportive, but if he's not trying to change his situation, maybe you need to move on and be happy.
If you continue on with this relationship and he ends up finding a job and all that, would you be able to handle it if it happened again in the future? Possibly when you're married?
Right now I'm going to tell you to think about you and what you need. If he can't communicate with you, that is a huge problem. It's a bad relationship when there is no communication about what's going on.
You can't change his situation. You can't make his depression go away. This kind of thing takes a tole on friendships and relationships, it's hard for you. He needs to change this himself.
So if you're unhappy, and he's unhappy, maybe you guys need a break.
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