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MY GIRL FRIEND LIED TO ME ABOUT HER PAST
I first met this girl, she was nice, we liked each other.I proposed her and she agreed ,she tells me that she loves me so much and is willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. after years i found that she lied to me about her past that she don't had any relationship in past and a virgin. but after i found the truth she ultimately tell the whole truth that she had a relationship with a guy who was tortured her mentally and physically and abused her.and she is not a virgin. i feel very bad , angry with her why she lied to me.she tell me that she was afraid that i after knowing her past i leave her,so she hide it from me. but now i can't trust her. i don't like it that my would be wife is not a virgin. i think she used me. but now she say sorry to me, wants to be with me.and wants to marry me. I LOVE HER ,but i feel very bad.and can't trust her.i feel that she is lying to me. but she is nice girl,very intelligent and very bright student,and not demanding. I don't know what to do, is there any one that will talk to me? Any advice appreciated thank you.
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I can understand how this is hard for you. Being lied to is always hard to handle. It might have been wrong of her to lie to you. No one in this world is perfect. The thing is, you have to look past this and look at "Why did she lie to me about this?"
Women who have been abused don't want people to know about it. It scares them and it makes it hard for them to trust other men. The fact that she has been with you and has had consensual sex with you, means that she trusts you and decided that she can trust you with that awful burden she's been carrying.
It is wrong of you to judge her for this. She didn't choose that to happen to her. Women don't want to be tortured or abused. They want to forget about that and they don't want that to affect their future relationships.
I don't see how she used you. A woman with a past like hers, why would she use you? She had sex with you because she loves you and trusts you. You're overreacting a bit with that.
If you can't understand the torture and pain she went through and not at least try to feel some sympathy for her, she needs to be with a man who won't judge her for this.
Just because someone lies about one thing about their hurtful past, doesn't mean they are lying about everything.
If you can't learn to trust her, you need to let her go. She doesn't deserve any more pain from a man.
You need to forgive her for lying, help her heal from her past, and be a good man to her. If you don't trust her, she needs to find someone else.
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I can see from your writing that English is not your native language. I am guessing that you are from India and possibly cultural backgrounds has something to do with how you are feeling at the moment.
If you would for the moment put you cultural feeling aside I would like to give you a perspective on her issue you may not be seeing. When a women such as your girlfriend suffers a trauma such as she has, the physical and mental abuse and the physical abuse could even include forces sexual intercourse; which would be rape. It is extremely hard for any woman who has suffered this type of trauma to trust another man.
I do not think she intentionally lied to you. I believe that you must be an exceptional man to have earned her respect and trust. Once she found she could trust you she fell in love with you. What she went through is not something she wants to relive in telling anyone which is what happens when she would tell you plus she knew she would most likely lose your love and respect.
Where I live we do not expect our wives to come to our wedding nights virgins. In fact the great majority of us expect to have an active sex life with our girlfriends before marriage. We do not hold their past against them especially one like your girlfriend has had.
Your girlfriend did not ask to be someone's punching bag or to be mentally abused. I am also sure the sex she had with her past boyfriend does not come under the heading of totally consensual given what you said. Sometimes you do things just to survive.
If you love her, truly love her you will put your cultural problems behind you and embrace this women and help her heal. You have already shown her that their are good men out in the world who will love her and not mistreat her. To walk away from because she had no control over her life at one time you will only hurt her more.
Fro my part and the culture I have grown up in. There is no reason to walk away from this relationship. She is still the woman you fell in love with and proposed to. I don't believe she lied to you. Yes she hide something which is not a lie in this case only because of the issue of having to learn to trust you and men in general.
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Either you need to forgive her. Truly, and completely forgive her, with no further hard-feelings or judgements, or you need to end this relationship.
She did not use you. She had a life before you. Every woman you ever meet will have a life before you, and sometimes that life with include sex. If she simply wanted to 'use someone for sex' she had lots of options. She had sex with you because she wanted to be with you.
Frankly, I'm more disturbed by the fact that a man who really wants his future wife to be a virgin - has had pre-martial sex with a girlfriend. That is deeply hypocritical. Whatever high-ground you may have had, you have lost. You are no better than she is when it comes to sexual purity.
It is wrong that she lied, but if you want to stay with her, you must forgive her. You need to respect that although she made a mistake, she did it because she wanted you to see her for the nice, intelligent woman she really is - She didn't want you to be blinded by the fact she is a non-virgin. She wanted you to see that there was more to her than a mistake she made with an abusive boyfriend years ago. That is a fair desire. No one wants their whole life defined by one bad relationship.
If you cannot forgive her and respect her just as you did before, when you thought she was a virgin (before you and she had sex), then you cannot love her and be her husband.
Trust can be rebuilt in a relationship, but only if you forgive and respect her. If you cannot forgive her and respect her, you will never trust her again - even if she does everything to earn that trust.
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You need to lighten up
Your girlfriend may of been afraid to tell her past due to fearing of being judged. Right now, You ARE judging her and your actions towards this situation is very unfair.
I know in some religious cultures many men want women to be virgins before marriage. However, In today's society almost all woman are sexually active. It is the way things are and not many follow traditions anymore, Some don't even follow it even if they are religious. I believe you are being very harsh and unfair towards your girlfriend. If you really truly love her, Then you should learn to forgive her and get over it.
What's done is done, You cannot change the past. Being angry towards your girlfriend for what she has done or been through is only going to cause more misery for the both of you. In the end, It won't solve anything. What love is about is supporting your spouse no matter how bad a situation is. Right now, She needs you to help her and support her and love her for who she is as a person and not the mistakes of her past. It's not worth holding grudges, It's not worth being angry. Life is way to short, Learn to forgive. Stop being angry over stupid things. This my dear, Is something very stupid to be so angry over. Be thankful she told you the past, Get over it and move on. Stop being harsh and learn to listen, Be understanding and love her unconditionally. You get more with honey then you do with sugar.
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