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my mom saw things never ment to be seen.My biggest fear has become reality
i am a 16 year old female. Im going to be honest and just sate that im a teenager, im bored, im really shy and spend alot of time alone. Im not the best at socializing so being alone just seems more comfortable for my personal persona. Now that i have that out of the way heres what happened. I have an ipad, and i downloaded an app. The app is a video chat room, the kind where you meet random strangers. Yes it sounds bad, but its just seeing your face. Id never even give out my full name let alone personal info. There was no reason for me to just not go on this because ive heard its bad even though i was seeing first hand its fine and its honestly really fun, plus i wasnt participating in dangerous activities.. Im sorry, but its true. well i never gave my mother any reason to be suspicious of me and i had no reason to think someone would snoop through my personal stuff. Occasionally i would take screen shots just for whatever reason, or leave the app logged on because i didnt assume my mom would be reading it. I mean, if ny mon read everything, every text, listened to every conversation i had, id probably never be allowed to leave my room from all her paranoia over innocent things.well when i was sleeping my mom decided to go through my entire ipad. She read all the conersations, sometimes sexually explicit. She saw every photo i had that was only for me and my eyes obly to see. If nobody was to see them, tere would never be a problem. Since my mom saw these things its like my entire life, and the universe around me seems to have blown up. What makes this SUCH a bug deal is how my whole life my biggest fear is my mother to think of me as anything but an innocent angel. I just cant live with her thinking of me poorly. Because i try so hard to maitain this perception the downfall of all this, which is basically my whole lfe because as i said i really dont have much else in my life like friends or other things to keep me going. I would never want anyone to see these things, they are personal and harnless untill of coarse seen by someone else, which they shouldnt have been. My mom is probably disgusted with me, who i am, and the perception shes had for 16 years that just now is ripped apart, and its too late to ever change it. The fact she saw this probably makes her mad at me. its her fault for looking. She had no reason to. I hate myself, my life, and i dont know how to feel about her. Im un so much pain. I cant leave my room to even eat. I wouldnt ever want to "talk" about this with her because the dynamic of our relationship has always been that everything is very taboo, even mentioning this would make me look all types of disgusting. she has mentioned it non stop. She wants me to delete everything which i will but the thought that she even is aware of things she doesnt approve of makes me want to vomit. I feel sick. I blame myself but i cant see any way to solve this. I cant say i wouldnt have done this beause it remains harmless if it was not brought to her attention. I took those pictures out of boredom, yes they were innapropriate but what harm does it do if no one sees them. She invaded my privacy. I understand shes my mother and what she was doing. But i went from being a girl who she probably thought never even knew any of this type of stff to looking like a perverted whore. I just cant deal with this. Its too much. Way too much. Im so lost and i feel sick to my stomach. and all that and my mom still has this knowledge in her head now. I just....i want to die. This problem is bigger than my entire life. My life was so simple and i had one value and that was to not let anything even close to this ever reach my mothers knowledge. Of coarse i would do the exact opposite of what she thought of me to be previously because im a kid and thats what people do. I valued my mother judgement enough to spare her of this, but she took it upon herself and read right into my personal life. The fact that she continued to rea and look bothers me...why didnt she stop. Why does she act so disgusted and make me feel horrible when she didnt have to continue to look.... I just really dont know what to do. What do i make of this situataion....
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
This is what moms do. They do it even if they have no reason to do it. You don't have privacy when you live under someones roof. They pay for pretty much everything and since you are her child, you don't have any right to privacy, even if it would be nice to have.
So you took some inappropriate pictures on your ipad. Your mom will still love you because she is your mom and I'm sure she doesn't think your are %100 perfect. No one is. You will hurt her, she will hurt you. Everyone is human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.
This will not ruin your life. You're just hurt because the image you had set for your mom is shattered and you think she looks at you like you're disgusting. This will keep bothering you until you talk to her about it.
She didn't stop reading because she's your mother. She wanted to know it all.
Here's an example. When a girl sees messages from her boyfriend to another woman, and clearly in the beginning you can see that he has been cheating, but she goes ahead and reads it all. It's just what people do.
Anyways, you need to talk to her about it. This is hurting your relationship and it will continue to bother you until you finally forgive yourself. This kind of thing doesn't make a mother stop loving their child.
My brother had condom wrappers all over his room, stole things (our money, jewelry, cars, ect), drank, smoke, did drugs, ran away, ect but my mom still loves him nonetheless. She was hurt, but it doesn't make someone stop loving them.
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I have a solution for your boredom, shyness and wanting to toy with pretending to do things that you would not normally ever think of doing in real life, and that happens to be a game called Second life. Some people take it very seriously and pretend get married to someone on there, or experience what its like to be a vampire. You get to choose free skin and eyes and hair and put together your avatar. People who put a little money in can spend it to get more realistic skin and eyes and such but if you don't see things as an artist does, you wont notice the difference. People can experience being a fairy if they wish. You mention that all mom seems to talk about is what is taboo. She comes then from a negative and fearful standpoint, and likely has repressed a lot herself. No wonder you like to imagine having the freedom to spread your wings and do stuff she would never approve of. I really think second life is for you. Do check it out. Its a hard learning curve. But its easier with someone to help you. If you decide to try it, let me know cus I have a friend who plays and she may be willing to help teach you and show you where to find all the free clothing. This game keeps RL real life separate from SL second life. No one will ever see real photos of you and only know you by your SL name. So its safe.
Since you don't actually come out and spell out what was inappropriate I can only guess but what is inappropriate to one person may not be to another, so I can't really say if anything you said or did on line was inappropriate.
It's sad that you feel you have to be two people, the one your mom thinks you are and the one you want to be. I do not know if the person you want to be is all as awful and perverted as your mother may think. 16 yr old teens have a lot of hormones going and if they are not sexually active, they should at least be exploring their sexuality on their own. This includes looking at and learning all about their private parts, and masturbating. Its hard for teens to get their hands on vibraters and dildos but use of that should be normal too. From how you describe mom, she'd likely think that to be perverted. I may have gotten the wrong impression, but if your mom is very sexually repressed, I don't want to see that affecting you and scewing your view of what is normal and what is perverted. If you care to share more, you can go to my column and from there be able to write anything additional that i will be able to respond to. if you comment in the section where you rate 1-5 what i say, i cannot respond there. I'd like to help dear but I am not sure I really have a grip on your situation.
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